


Biting Benson

by Cosmic_Files



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alcohol, Anger, Angst, Autopsy, Barson, Cute, F/F, F/M, Fighting, Law and Order - Freeform, Love, Multi, Pain, Rafa - Freeform, Rape, Revenge, SVU - Freeform, Torture, Uncle Rafi, drugged, happiness, love making
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-05-28 07:58:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 53,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15044300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cosmic_Files/pseuds/Cosmic_Files
Summary: In this AU fic, William Lewis didn't commit suicide.  Instead, he ended up rotting in jail.  This gave him four very long years to plan just exactly what he was going to do to Lieutenant Olivia Benson.





	1. Finding Ties

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to have some VERY heavy themes; including heavily depicted violence, rape, and torture. If any of this upsets you, please, do not read this. This is going to be a very long fic. Thank you ahead of time to your patience and understanding if some chapters are posted late.

“Rafael! Wake up!” Olivia hissed as she pulled on her t-shirt and shorts. Her head felt groggy and she desperately wanted to go back to sleep as she fumbled in the dark for her glasses before she finally clicked on the lamp beside her bed.  She left her undergarments flung over her chair before she yanked her bra off the bed post and tossed it to join her panties on the chair. It was already four thirty in the morning and she knew that if Noah woke up and wondered why Uncle Rafi was asleep in Mommy’s bed, she would have some explaining to do, and this was not something that she quite had the energy for right now.  She took a deep breath and lightly smacked his shoulder. 

Rafael groaned and burrowed deeper underneath her blankets, “Five more minutes Liv.” He mumbled into the pillow. 

 

“Barba, if you don’t get up now, I am going to kick your ass because I really don’t want to explain to Noah why Uncle Rafi is sleeping in Mommy’s bed.  Naked.” She smiled with satisfaction as that made him move. 

 

Rafael glanced at the clock and cursed at himself. She admired his ass momentarily before she flung his boxers at him. Between the two of them, Rafael was dressed in minutes.  He smiled at her, sheepishly, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I was simply intoxicated by you and your bed is really comfortable." 

 

“Maybe you shouldn’t have worn yourself out so much,” She smirked as she clipped her hair up.  

Rafael grabbed her wrist, pulling her close, “I shouldn’t have worn myself out?” He said lowly, smirking at her, “I think you should know I wasn’t alone last night.” He said as his free hand traveled down her spine, grabbing her bum. 

 

“Then who were you with?” She breathed as she felt her body becoming alive again as she feigned innocent.  

 

Rafel took her glasses off, placing them on the bedside table before turning back to her, “The most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on.  She has the most expressive, the most beautiful brown eyes ever. With a smile that makes every room light up the moment that she enters it.” He purred before his lips captured hers.  

 

Liv felt herself sinking into his kiss as her fingers ran over the buttons on his shirt.  It would be so, so easy just to give in to him. She felt his hands roaming all over her body before she found herself walking backwards.  She felt the back of her legs hit the bed before the both fell backwards with an oaf and giggles. 

 

“Why not stay five more minutes?” She quipped as her eyes searched his face. 

 

He gave his half smiling, “I would like that more than anything.  But we lucked out with Noah not waking from a nightmare or wanting a glass of water last night.  I don’t want to risk it tonight. Ya know?” He kissed her in between every word, “Do you think that Rollins could take Noah tonight?” 

 

Liv smiled, “I will see what I can do.” 

 

“I promise, it will be worth your while,” He murmured and kissed her neck before he pushed himself upwards.  He drank in the view of Liv smiling blissfully with her hair all around her like a crown of warm chocolate waves surrounding her head.  

 

Liv pushed herself up, leaning on her elbows, “Do you have your socks?” She quipped as she watched him look around.

 

“There they are,” He sat besides her, pulling them on, “I can’t find my tie though.” 

 

“I will find it for you,” She glanced at the clock. “But for now, you have to go. It’s five till.”

 

“Come to my place tonight.” He stole one more kiss before he left, the front door closing behind him quietly.  Liv smiled and started making her bed, briefly wondering where she had lost her hair clip. She smoothed out the comforter before she walked into the living room, locking the front door.  She looked around for his tie, but wondered where it was. 

 

She was happy that it was thursday.  She had given Rollins today and tomorrow off.  Rollins had been the only one that she confided in.  She told her how she was seeing someone, but not who.  It was something that her and Rafael had agreed on. That they would only go public when they were sure that whatever it was this was would work out. After all, there was no use in ruining whatever it was that they had.

 

She hit the brew button on her coffee machine before she started to lift couch cushions, looking for his tie.  She felt her brows furrow as she thought of where his tie could have possibly gone. They sure as hell didn't use it last night. She scratched her head before she walked back to her bedroom.  She pulled on one of her sweaters and grabbed a different clip before putting on her glasses. This was one of her favorite times of the morning, the calm before the storm.  

 

She turned on the stereo to a quiet volume as White Rabbit hummed lowly through the speakers.  She smiled to herself as she stirred her sugar into her coffee. She waited for the sound of little feet pattering towards her calling for her.  She started to go through the normal motions of making Noah’s lunch in between the sips of her coffee. She kept glancing all over the kitchen and living room for Rafael’s brightly colored tie.  She noticed how since they had started to sleep together, his tie options had become brighter. 

 

She couldn’t help herself but smile as she rinsed off her hands, wiping the excessive water on her legs.  She looked down as she realized she was wearing shorts. She had never worn shorts around Noah because of her scars.  She grabbed her comfy pajama pants and changed before she walked towards Noah’s room. She poked her head in as she saw her son still sprawled out, fast asleep.  She felt herself smiling. 

 

_ I fought for life before I even knew you, because you were the reason I had to live before I even knew it.  _ She thought to herself.  She quietly left the door open before she started to get ready for work.  She heard Noah calling for her as she brushed her teeth in her bathroom. 

She spit out the toothpaste before she called out, “In here sweet boy,” She answered as she quickly finished and walked out, feeling her eyebrows shoot upwards as she saw Noah carrying Rafael’s black, blue, yellow, red, striped tie.  She laughed slightly, “Where did you find that?” She asked as she kneeled down to his level. 

 

“Uncle Rafi put it on Eddie.” He mumbled tiredly as he wrapped his arms around Liv’s neck. 

 

She couldn’t help but laugh.  How had she forgotten that, “What do you want to do for breakfast today? Pancakes? Oatmeal? Eggs?” She murmured  as he nestled his face into her neck. Liv picked him up, with him wrapping his legs around her. She felt his warmth radiating off him and she wanted nothing more than to bring him back to bed and call off work and call him out of school.  But Sunday’s were the day when they lounged around in pajamas all day long and ate sundaes for breakfast instead of healthy food. She ran her fingers through his thick curls, smiling to herself. 

 

“Eggs Mommy,” He mumbled. 

 

“Okay sweet boy. Come on,” She murmured and started making breakfast.  She left some of the egg scramble uncooked for when Lucy got here. She made Noah his breakfast, plating it as Lucy walked in.  

 

“Lucy!” Noah perked up as he slid off the chair, throwing his arms around her legs as she closed the door behind her. He was fully awake now. 

 

“Goodmorning Noah!” She cooed as she picked him, resting him comfortably on her hip, “Uncle Rafi was over last night and he put his tie on Eddie!” He giggled out happily.  

 

Lucy grinned as Liv walked around, leaning against the beam.  She had her inevitable mug of coffee in one hand and her phone in the other, “Morning. I have coffee made and I have some egg scramble leftover. I will make those and you and Noah could finish breakfast together?” She smiled. 

 

“I would love that, I am starved!” She smiled as she plopped Noah on his stool before she sat next to him. She gratefully accepted the eggs when they were served up. 

 

“I am going to go get ready. I have to get in early today.  I am taking the entire weekend off. Fin and Carisi are going to enjoy that.” She grinned, “I am going to ask Amanda, but I will be working late tonight.  If it is okay by her, will you drop Noah off at her house?” 

 

“Of course.  I am sure Jesse would be thrilled!” She smiled before she wiped some orange juice off Noah’s face. Liv kissed the top of his head before she walked back to her bedroom and pulled on her favorite black slacks that hugged her butt just right.  She pulled on her dark green flowy shirt and her blazer before she slid her her feet into her boots. She walked to the bathroom and decided her hair would be better up today. 

 

She closed her eyes as she smiled, hearing Noah’s laughter radiating off the walls.  This was the best feeling that there could be. She walked towards them and pick up Noah, who was still in his pajamas. 

 

“Okay sweet boy! You and Lucy are going to have a wonderful rest of your morning.  You have a great day at school. I can’t wait to hear about everything that you are got to learn about.  I love you,” she smiled and kissed his forehead as she felt Noah burrow into her neck. She rocked him slightly, hearing his breathing started to become calmer before he pulled back. 

 

“I love you too Mommy!” He smiled and gave her a wet kiss on her cheek before he squirmed out of her arms.  Liv walked out feeling as though she was floating on cloud nine. Thankfully, that feeling lasted all the way to the office.  She walked in, greeting everyone, not surprised that there was someone already in her office. She pushed up her sunglasses, smiling. 

 

“Chief Dodds, to what do I owe the pleasure?” She questioned as she left her purse on the floor besides her desk.  She hung her jacket on the back of her seat, before she walked towards him, sitting on the edge of her desk. 

 

“I actually came here to tell you that you are going to be taking vacation.  You have too much overtime and your second person, Sargent Tutuola, will be in charge.” 

 

Liv felt her good feeling leave her body, “And when was this decided?” 

 

“Yesterday.  By me. You need some time off. I need Sargent Tutuola to get more experience handling things. I know you trust him, but this is for my own benefit.  Do you understand?” 

 

“Do I have a say?” Liv shot back. 

 

“No.” He said as he stood, smoothing out his tie and buttoning up his jacket, “I hope you have a good week off.” He said with a nod. 

 

“Chief.  I was waiting until Noah was on spring break so that I could spend actual time with him. Can it wait until then? Please?” She asked. She watched as he swallowed before he nodded. 

 

“Fine, but you are going to take Monday off. Can you handle a three day weekend?” He questioned rhetorically. 

 

“Yes sir,” She answered before he left. 

  
  


*****

 

William paced around his cell. This wasn’t enough room for his long limbs and he felt tired.  Only getting to be in the yard for one hour a day was not enough for him. But soon, soon enough that would change.  He stared at his cellmate. He was normal unlike the guy that he had met in the halfway house. That guy liked to fuck soft blankets.  How was that okay? He felt little jolts of pain every time he took a step. But it was nothing like the pain that he was going to inflict on THE Olivia Benson.  He had only gotten her for four days last time. This time it wasn’t going to be four days that she had with him. No, this time, he would keep her alive for months. 

 

By the time that her squad would find them, they would throw up at the sight of her body from all the things that he planned to do to her.  He knew that it would be trickier to go unseen. Especially since she was lieutenant now, but it was well worth the risk. Plus, he had his most recent lawyer wrapped around his finger.  Sometimes women were so easy to manipulate. This was for sure. He walked towards the bars, hanging his hands out. He watched as his CO walked towards him, “You got a visitor Lewis. What is it with you? You’re behind bars and yet you have two of the sexiest women visiting you,” He said, slightly besides himself. 

 

William half smirked, “Women always did take pity on the weaker ones,” He said before he held his hands out.  He knew that playing good would help him. He knew soon enough, he wouldn’t need cuffs. He walked down the dark hallway, hearing all the screams of the other men wanting freedom.  He said nothing in response to their cries. He just limped along. 

 

He kept his gaze as he sat down at the table.  He looked at Brooke McNally. To him, she was a close resemblance to Olivia Benson, but that was something she was too stupid to figure out.  He stood when she got close and kissed her, the only time that they were allowed to touch was hello and goodbye. 

 

He noticed the way she struggled to control her breathing.  He fought the urge to hurt her where she was standing now. He swallowed hard and sat back down.  “Have you been looking at Beach Houses?” He questioned. 

 

“Of course.  I know you said only New York, but I found some amazing ones in Jersey as well.” She smiled brightly. Brooke pulled out a file from her purse. 

 

He shook his head, “No, New York only,” He said firmly, cocking an eyebrow, daring her to test him. 

 

Brooke nodded, “Okay,” She swallowed, “Well I found some vacant houses that are more rural and not surrounded by anyone.  It’s going to be so romantic! I found some in Montauk, Green bay, and Southampton. Places where people don’t really go. Like you asked!” She smiled as she pushed the papers towards him.  She even made two copies of everything just like he had asked. 

 

“You went to an internet cafe, just like I told you to, right? You know how bad the NYPD have it for me.  They are going to stalk me so bad the day that I am released.” 

 

“Of course baby.” She smiled and lightly stroked his fingers before pulling away, “What else do you want me to do?” She questioned.

 

“Nothing for now.  That was all. I will make the choice when I get out of here. Next time you come, I want you to bring me the cupcakes.” He said as he looked at her under his lashes. 

 

She nodded, “Why do you want them laced when you are going to be set free though?” 

 

“I need a day out on the outside.  It’s too much staying caged all the time,” He said softly, turning his charm on heavily, “You wouldn’t understand,” He added before he looked down and away. 

 

“No, I wouldn’t, but I promise you this, when you get out I am going to make you the happiest man alive,” She purred huskily. 

 

Lewis smiled, stifling a smile.  He wondered how stupidity made this world go round and this was how.  He took a deep breath and stood, “I have to. When you come back, will you also bring me a newspaper?” 

 

“Anything you want baby,” She said as they stood. Lewis smiled as he was lead away by the guard, leaving her in lust for a kiss that would kill her eventually.  He walked back to his cell, carrying the papers. He knew where he was going to take her, and four years of planning was not going to go to waste. He sat heavily on his bed, before laying down and stretching out, he stared at the ceiling. He could smell it all now. 

 

He heard her screams as he would press a red hot key into her thigh again.  Or how she would beg for life as he branded her with a W. The possibilities were endless and he couldn’t wait to do them all.  He felt himself get hard with the thought that he would finally get to take her the way that he has been aching to. 

 

He couldn't wait to trash her apartment. He couldn’t wait to wreck everything that she loved.  He couldn’t wait to hear her screams and begs. His biggest regret was that he had taken his eyes off of her for one second too long.  If only that stupid fucking maid hadn’t shown up with her kid. Then he would have gotten to take her that night like he had planned. He imagined how her flesh would taste and how she would feel as she begged him to stop.  This brought a small, but genuine smile to his face. 


	2. Strawberries and Pain

Liv knocked on Barba’s door, “Busy?” She quipped as she hoisted her bag higher on her shoulder. 

 

“Not for you,” He answered rapidly before leaning back in his chair. 

 

“Great,” She said and stepped in, closing the door behind her.  She dug his tie out of her bag, holding it out to him, “You forgot that you put it on Eddie last night.  Noah slept with your tie.” She smirked before dropping it on his desk and sitting across from him. 

 

“That makes sense,” He nodded, “But anyways, what about tonight?” He pulled open his drawer and put his tie away before he clasped his fingers together and looked at her in a softer gaze. 

 

“Rollins said that she could take Noah Sunday, but not tonight.  I am officially off Monday and I want to take that entire day for Noah when he gets home.  Sunday’s are mine and Noah’s day. So, if you want to go to work late on Monday,” She shrugged.  

 

“I couldn’t think of a better reason to be late for work.” He smirked. 

 

“What about our case? Do you think we are going to win?” She quipped, switching gears. 

 

“It’s a slam dunk.  There is no way that I could lose.  Honest.” He glanced at his watch, “Lunch?” He asked as he stood, grabbing his grey jacket off the back of his chair.  He knew why Liv always wore long sleeves and it broke his heart. He walked over to the door and pulled the blinds shut, locking the door as he heard her stand. 

 

He met her halfway and slid her blazer off her shoulders and held the jacket over his arm before gingerly rolling up her sleeves and kissing the only visible scars from when William Lewis had taken her hostage.  He kissed from her wrist to her forearm, gingerly kissing the cigarette burn scars before he saw her look of complete shock. 

 

“Barba, we are at work.” Liv protested, but didn’t pull her arm away. 

 

“ Eres más bella de lo que crees. Cicatrices y todo.” He said slowly.  He kissed the back of her hand then her palm before he finally pulled her sleeve down, brushing his lips over her knuckles before he fixed the blinds on his door. 

Liv felt as though her head was foggy. She remembered the last time she felt this way.  She had been sixteen and madly in love. She knew she could ask Lucy to watch Noah for her.  That would be no problem. She couldn’t help but smile. She always enjoyed how Rafael would be so intensely in work one moment then completely blow her off her feet the next.  

 

“Okay, I want a hot dog.  What about you?” He smirked as he helped her with her jacket back on. 

 

“Barba, you drink too much caffeine.” Liv smirked as they walked out.  She grabbed her purse, walking out with him. 

 

They talked about the case until they make it to the hot dog stand.  The guy was the garden variety rapist but made a very wrong mistake of choosing to try and attack a black belt martial artist.  They both got their normal hot dogs, heavy on the relish for Benson, before sitting at one of the random tables. The weather was perfect. Just the right amount of cool on this April day. 

 

“I will tell Lucy that I am running late and you can shirk some paperwork and I will meet you at your place.  How does that sound?” She questioned. 

 

“Like this is going to be a wonderful night after having a day full of stress,” He grinned, “I do not drink too much caffeine.  Honestly, I don’t drink enough coffee.” He added much to her disdain. 

 

“Eventually you will lay off all the caffeine. That comeback was very delayed, even for you.” She said as she looked at him.  She ignored the urge to wipe off some of the mustard that was on the corner of his mouth.  Instead, she threw a napkin at him, “Jeez you are so messy like Noah,” She laughed. 

 

“Yeah, yeah,” He rolled his eyes as his phone vibrated.  He answered the text and looked at her kind of sadly, “I have to go.  Time to put another pervert away,” He smirked and stood, “Have a good day Liv.” He said before leaving her there. 

 

She looked down at her unfinished hot dog as her own phone started to vibrate, “Benson,” She said as she tossed the rest of her food, heading back to the house. 

 

“Hey, we have another. Victim is forty- three same MO as the others. Carisi and I are headed there now.” Fin said as he slid into the passenger seat. 

 

“Okay.  Be gentle with her.  Call me when you are on your way back to the house. I just left Barba, and he said the guy doesn’t stand a chance against him.  Open and shut. He said you have to be at court on Monday.” 

 

“Great. Just what everyone loves to hear,” He answered back, rolling his eyes even though she couldn’t see. 

 

“I am hoping he messed up this time and gave on more than he should have,” She said before she hung up.  She looked both ways before crossing. Liv turned after she crossed. She swore that was the third time this week that she had seen the same person.  A tall female with brown hair. She could swear that she looked like her, but she doubted that she had a doppelganger. She shook off the feeling that she was missing something before she turned and kept walking. 

 

Liv molded herself in with the rest of the crowd of people before she walked down the steps, waiting for the train to arrive.  She reasoned with herself that she was being vain. She sent a quick text to Lucy apologizing for the fact that she was going to be late before she walked onto the train.  She knew she got lucky in finding Lucy. She doubted that she could find someone else that was more caring and understanding than she was. She sat down on the hard orange seat, closing her eyes as the train started to move smoothly. 

 

***

 

William sat on top of his bed, only eating one of the entire cupcakes.  He enjoyed the sweetness of the frosting. It tasted so good as it melted on the tip of his tongue.  It was something that he hadn’t tasted in a long time. He was surprised how good of a baker Brooke was.  Especially since she was so fit. He licked more of the frosting off the tips of his fingers as he finished licking the frosting off another cupcake.  He set it down before working on his fourth one. 

 

He groaned as all of the pain hit him at once. He clutched at his stomach but it didn’t make a difference. He felt as though his entire body was on fire. He straightened out his legs and arms, but that was no help as he felt his body rolling off the top of the bunk bed.  He barely managed to break his fall as he withered around on the floor. He looked all around him as he faintly heard his cellmate screaming for a guard in fear. 

 

He felt his body being lifted onto something soft. He could barely see the lights as he was gritting his teeth.  He looked at the faint outline of a human telling him that he was going to be okay. He focused on breathing despite the fact that he generally handled pain very well.  He swallowed as the real light, sunshine, nearly blinded him. 

 

_ Ready or not Benson, here I come. _ That was the last thing that he remembered before he succumbed to the pain. 

 

***

Liv laughed hard as Barba tickled her even more, “Okay! Okay! Uncle!” She screamed as he finally stopped, an evil smirk of his own on his face. 

 

Barba settled next to her, smiling.  He ran his fingers over her smooth, beautiful shoulder.  He kissed her slowly, indulging in all the flavors of her.  From the the wine to the strawberries. Liv pulled away reluctantly as she looked at him, running her fingers lightly over his cheek before she played with his hair. 

 

“I have to go soon.” She murmured sadly as she looked at him.  She ran her fingers through her hair as she looked at his eyes.  She couldn’t help but smile. She watched as he grabbed another strawberry before he fed it to her. 

 

“I know.  I don’t want you to, but I understand.” He said softly.  He loved Noah so much, but he knew that it was nowhere near as much as Liv did. He planted another kiss on her lips as he looked at her, “I know you don’t talk about it,” He said softly as he brushed his fingers over the raised scar from a key, “But I just think you are so strong.  Most people wouldn’t have survived, but you did.” He said softly. 

 

“Rafa.  I know that you understand...I just...I don’t talk-” 

 

“I love you,” He blurted out.  

 

Liv felt as though her body was being lowered into a tub of warm water, “I...what?” She said slowly. 

 

“I love you.  I don’t expect you to say it back, but I just want you to know.  Somehow...you managed to introduce more colors into my life besides black and white. I was debating to make a grand gesture of it all, but I know that isn’t who you are.” He finished and tucked a strand of hair behind one of her ears.  He wondered what she was thinking of. This was the first time that he had ever managed to shock her into full silence. 

 

Liv briefly thought of Elliott.  She had fallen in love with him. But she loved her job more than anything else at that time.  She knew that he loved Cathy, but emotions wasn't something that she could change. That was something she would never dare to try to change.  When he had just left with no notice and decided not to return her calls, she had gotten the message loud and clear. He was done. It broke her heart more than she ever let anyone know.  However, as she laid next to Barba, baring her soul and body to him, she knew that she loved him, but she couldn’t bring herself to say it. 

 

She smiled, “I’m not ready for those words yet,” She said slowly, praying that this didn’t ruin their mood, “I do feel the same way for you, but I can’t say it when we haven’t even disclosed.” She said softly. 

 

He nodded, “I understand that and I am not going to push you for something that you aren’t ready for,” He said softly, “I just wanted you to know,” He added. 

 

“Thank you,” She whispered before she pressed the entire length of her body flush against his.  She felt him hold her closer before she felt his weight pushing her comfortably into the mattress. 

 

Barba trailed his fingers down the side of her body as he felt the numerous raised or indented scars.  That didn’t change how beautiful she was to him. He pushed his hand further downwards, hearing the sharp intake of her breath as he stroked her hip. 

 

Liv broke the kiss, groaning for air as she felt his lips on her neck, in all the right spots.  She wrapped one leg around his as she felt him enter her. This time they weren’t rushing. Everything was slow and even and soft.  She pulled back, looking at Rafael as his hands moved her hair out of her eyes. 

 

Her hips rose to meet his as they matched each other.  She felt his lips all over her. She groaned as he hit all the right spots.  She loved the slow moments like this when they took their time and learnt about each other’s bodies even more.  She sighed his name as his lips danced across her collar bone. 

 

“God, you are so beautiful,” He murmured, capturing her lips again as they moved in the perfect rhythm.  He loved the way her body molded perfectly to his. How soft her breasts were. He kissed her deeper as their bodies moved to the sound of their own music. 

 

Liv broke the kiss, half gasping- half groaning for air.  She kissed Rafa’s shoulder, purring how good he felt as he kissed the area where her neck and shoulder met. She groaned as her hips pressed against his as she begged him to go faster.  She groaned in complaint as he kept his steady pace. 

 

Barba enjoyed hearing her soft groans and mewls as they made love.  He loved making her happy. She deserved the entire world on a platter and more. He felt her tightening around him before as he stimulated her even more, before he felt her fingers digging into his shoulder. She relaxed underneath him, before he joined her in his own daze of sunshine.  

 

She smiled, wiping the hair from his sweaty forehead, “Thank you,” she murmured kissing him sweetly.  Liv slowly pulled away, leaving the blanket on the bed as she got dressed in front of him in full view.  She loved letting him have one more look before she would leave. 

 

“Hey Liv?” He sat up, admiring the swell of her hips to the dimples on her lower back. 

 

“Yeah?” She smiled, flipping her hair over her shoulders. 

 

“I can’t come on Monday.  I got called onto a case that starts at eight.  I would love to miss that but I can’t,” He said sadly as he watched her pull up her pants and slid on her shirt. 

 

She turned, walking towards the edge of the bed before she leaned over him, kissing him slowly, “It’s okay.  I will see you on Tuesday.” She answered before she smirked, “Keep my panties as something to lust over until then.”  

 

Liv dropped her lacy black panties on the bed as she laughed softly at his slack jawed response.  She knew she always could leave him speechless. She slid into her boots and grabbed the rest of her things, enjoying the cloud of shock that she left Barba in.  It was the best feeling honestly. 

 

She couldn’t wipe the smile from her face as she walked into her own apartment. She thanked Lucy before checking in on Noah.  She quietly crept in, kissing his forehead, “Sleep well sweet boy,” She murmured before leaving his room to crawl into his own bed. 


	3. Distressing Mondays

_ Day 1  _

 

Liv let herself back into her apartment. She placed her purse on her kitchen counter as she poured herself her second cup of coffee.  It was just what she needed. She breathed in the delicious aroma before she took a sip. She couldn’t deny the fact that she enjoyed the days more that she got to walk Noah to school.  She knew that Lucy appreciated a day off. It was something that made them both happy. She looked around her apartment, realizing how much of a mess she had left it and started to pick up Noah’s toys. 

 

It wasn’t long before it finally looked like she wasn’t a messy person.  She walked towards the kitchen to grab her mug as she heard a small creak from the floorboard. Her hand instinctively went to her hip before she realized that she didn’t have her gun there.  She cursed lowly. She felt as though she was transported to her old apartment. She knew this couldn’t be possible. William Lewis was behind bars. She took a deep breath before she steadied her thinking.  

 

She finished her now cold mug of coffee before she placed it in her sink.  She clipped her hair up before she headed back to her shower. A long hot, quiet, shower was just what the doctor ordered.  She brushed her bangs out of her face before she froze from the all too familiar sound of a trigger being pulled and the cold metal against the side of her forehead.  She felt her breakfast churning and fought the urge to throw up. 

 

“How is my beautiful Lieutenant Benson doing now?” Lewis sneered as he enjoyed the pure look of horror on her face. 

 

“Ho...How?” Was all she could manage to choke out. 

 

“Mm, that is not really something you get to ask right now.  I don’t know if you know this, but my cell mate, he got pretty sick of me bitching how you were the only one that ever got away. In the past four years, you became higher ranked, adopted a beautiful baby boy, and your nanny is cute to boot.  You just have everything together. Almost as if you forgot who I was?!” He hissed angrily as he pressed the cold metal harder against her temple. 

 

“Please...you...you don’t have to do this,” She pleaded as she held eye contact with him. 

 

Lewis backed her up against a wall before he grabbed her chin, “Do you know how long I have been waiting for this day? Four years.  Four fucking years I waited to do this,” He breathed before he savagely pressed his lips to hers. He stepped back looking at her heatedly, “I can’t wait to take you this time.  This makes it even better because precious baby Noah is going to lose his second Mommy.” He sneered. 

 

Liv barely managed to keep her breakfast down as he guided her to the living room.  He shoved her down onto the couch before he grabbed out the handcuffs, “If you do anything to piss me off, I am going to take you to that school and make you get your little boy so he can join us for the ride.  Would you like that?” 

 

Liv shook her head as she felt tears threatening to spill over her eyes.  She would rather die than ever let this monster near her son. She watched as he pulled her hand cuffs from his back pocket, “Before I go, we are going to have a little fun.  How does that sound?” He smirked. 

 

Liv swallowed hard.  She opened and closed her mouth, but nothing came out,  “That will come later darling,” He winked, “Now, be a good little whore and grab your car keys out of your purse.  I can’t believe that you were stupid enough to leave your gun here. What kind of police officer are you?” 

 

Liv felt stung by his comment, “Promise me...please that you won’t bring Noah into this,” She begged. 

 

“Already pleading? You have gotten soft since the last time we spent together,” He taunted, “By the time I am done with you, you are going to wish that you had never survived.  Who knows? When I am done with you, maybe, just maybe I will have to get that moldable kid of yours,” He stared into her eyes, registering his fear. Although he had no desire to do that, he was felt himself getting excited over how much this kid was going to make her comply that much more.  He felt his pants tightening around his hips slightly. 

 

Lewis pushed her into the kitchen watching as she dug through her purse.  She reluctantly handed him her keys as her phone notified her of a text message  Lewis yanked her head backwards with a fistful of her hair, enjoying her yelp of pain before he brought his lips close to her ears, “If you think for one second that you are going to get away from me, picture that sweet, sweet little boy of yours without the back of his head.” He hissed lowly into her ear.

 

Liv hissed as she heard the clink of the cuffs before the cool metal bit into her pliable flesh. He turned her around, staring into her eyes, “I have missed those big beautiful brown eyes,” He purred to her before he started opening all the cabinet drawers, looking for a pan. He knocked various plates, glasses, and bowls to the ground, enjoying the sounds of the breaking glass. 

 

“You have really done good for yourself, you know that, right? I can’t believe you haven’t thought of me.  Tell me, that last person that fucked you thorougly, do they know who gave you those scars? Do they know the story? Do they know how much pain you went through just get better only, without your knowledge, that you would be back at square one?” 

 

“Fuck you,” Liv spat as he dropped her keys in the pan. 

 

“Ah, ah, ah.  We are going to play nice,” He said before he smacked her hard enough to know that he was going to leave a bruise on her.  

 

Liv stumbled back a step into the counter that separated the living room from the kitchen. She blinked hard as she saw stars swim across her vision.  She took a deep breath as she dropped her head. She prayed that someone would call her cellphone, but she had explicitly told Fin only to call her if it was an absolute emergency. She knew that Lewis would taught Fin if he called. 

 

Her head snapped up as she heard the lock twist on her door. She felt her throat tighten in fear as Lewis’s smile only got bigger. She ran towards the door, but was quickly stopped as Lewis yanked her backwards, covering her mouth.   

 

“Hey Olivia? I am sorry, but I left one of my term papers here and I couldn’t-” Lucy stopped in her tracks as she looked at Olivia.  She saw the gun pointed to her head and a man she had never seen before. 

 

“You must be the infamous Lucy,” He sneered with delight. 

 

Liv struggled against him hard, trying to break her trance. She bit his hand before she screamed for her to run but all of it sounded muffled.  She tried so hard to get away from him, but only felt his grip tighten on her. She wanted to save Lucy, not let her get hurt. 

 

“Get in here unless you want Noah to be without a mom.” He said simply, enjoying how easy she complied to him.  This was even easier than he thought. His eyes dragged up and down her body. She reminded him of a younger version of Brooke.  This made everything even better. He knew how much Olivia cared for Lucy by how much she was struggling, “Put your phone on the coffee table. NOW!” He screamed. 

 

Lucy flinched but did as he asked, “I’m sorry Liv.  I...I forgot my term paper and I could-couldn’t find my flash drive to just print off another copy.” She whimpered. 

 

“No need to apologize  _ Lucy.  _ You are quite a delicious little snack for me. “ He smirked before he switched his attention to Olivia, “I am going to move my hand.  If you so much as scream, I will shoot Lucy. Do you understand? Yes or No.” He said. 

 

“Yes,” She whispered as he pulled his hand slowly away from her mouth. 

 

“Where is your duct tape?” 

 

“Hallway closet,” Liv reluctantly answered.  She waited until he was out of ear shot before she looked at Lucy, “Look at me.  Lucy. I need you to stay calm. Okay? I only have a couple of minutes here. He is going to duct tape my mouth and he is going to torture and rape you.  No, please, don’t cry. I am  _ so _ sorry.  I want to stop it. But I need you to be strong.  I promise, afterwards, you will be okay. Just please, I am so sorry.  He incapacitated me. I want nothing more than for you to be okay. When you are found, remember William Lewis.  Okay?” Liv said as she watched her nod her head. 

 

She  wanted to hug Lucy and protect her.  She turned as she heard Lewis coming back.  She said a silent prayer as she hoped to God that this was going to work.  She took a deep breath and watched as Lewis duct taped Lucy’s mouth and her wrists together before he walked towards Liv. 

 

“No, no.  Don’t do that.  Come on, what do you want with her? How could she know what you would possibly want after all this time? I mean, I  _ know _ you.  I can keep you satisfied and I can give you all that you want.  How many times did you fantasize about taking me?” Liv questioned as she stepped provocatively close to him as she dragged her eyes over his body, “I can give you everything you want and more.” She purred to him. Her eyes pleading with him to take her. She watched Lewis, as his face gave nothing away. 

 

“In a way, you are right,” He said slowly, “However, I wonder how much more fun it would be for you to watch me take her right here and now. We can relive the old times,” He sneered as he pulled the duct tape tightly over her mouth, “And by the way, you don’t get to make the plans. I do.” He added. 

 

Lucy struggled as William pulled her over to Olivia’s kitchen, taping her legs to the table to keep her open for him, “Did you wear this pretty little skirt just for me?” He purred to her before he grabbed Olivia. She screamed and struggled, her eyes pleading with him not to hurt Lucy.  She didn’t deserve this. Of all people, she was not one to deserve this. She was the most caring girls on the face of this planet. Liv watched as tears streamed down Lucy’s face. 

 

William looked over at the clock, “My oh my! I didn’t realize how late it was getting.  I have to get a move on. Well, little Miss. Lucy, it looks like today, of all days, is your lucky day,” He said as he stepped towards the oven, grabbing Liv’s keys out of the hot pan.  He walked towards Lucy, keeping his eyes on Olivia as held the heated keys in his hand. He yanked up the back of her shirt up as he smirked darkly, “However, I can’t leave without giving you at least one present!” He smirked before he seared her skin with a red hot key. 

 

Lucy screamed as she fought to move her body away from him, banging her hips against the table in desperation. She felt as though she had broken one of her vocal cords from how hard she screamed.  She could see the horror that was on Olivia’s face but the only thing that she was registering was the face that it felt like every single nerve in her body was on fire. She wanted to vomit from the smell. She felt herself crying as he pulled the key from her back, “How pretty! Some flesh as a keepsake.” He said as he pulled the key away.  He walked over to the oven, turning it off before he pulled up Olivia. 

 

“We have some shopping to do.” He smiled before he pulled her towards the door, “But before we go, there is one more thing I have to do.” He turned away from her, walking back to Lucy. 

 

“You lucked out little girl. If it wasn’t so important that I put distance between here with Olivia I would have enjoyed you so much.  Do me a favor will ya? Tell Rollins how much I have missed her,” He pulled her up, squeezing her breasts roughly and gave her a kiss before he slammed her head into the table, knocking her unconscious. 


	4. Bad Feelings and River Tears

_ Day 1 _

 

“Rollins,” She answered her phone absentmindedly before she looked across at Carisi who was munching on his fifth doughnut, rolling her eyes as she felt her shoulders grow tense, before she looked at Fin.  She knew that he could read her expression better than anyone else, “Yeah…I can be there in twenty minutes. Are you sure that she wasn’t there to pick him up? Either one of them?...Okay. Thank you,” She said before she hung up. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Fin questioned. 

 

“That was Noah’s school and apparently no one went and picked him up? Liv should have done that.  She is off today. I guess Lucy must be in class because that isn’t normal for her not to answer her phone whenever the school calls.” She said as she stood, grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair, feeling her stomach sink. 

 

Fin glanced at Carisi, “I am going to go check on the apartment.  Bring Noah back here just be on the safe side. Carisi, call Barba and ask him if he has heard from Liv at all today.  Just because she is off, doesn’t mean she isn’t working.” He said as he grabbed his own coat, “Carisi, put that damn doughnut down and lets go!” He barked before heading out. 

 

*

 

Fin knocked on her door, “Liv? Yo Liv! Open up! Nobody picked up Noah today and I wanted to make sure that you were okay.” He called out, pounding his fist against her door again.  He felt his stomach sinking with every second that she didn’t answer. This was not like her at all. He unbuttoned his holster as he palmed the cold metal. Fin pressed his ear against the door as he watched Carisi pull his own gun out.  He swore he could hear muffled screaming but wasn't sure. He pounded on her door one more time before he tried the knob.  He knew it was bad when her door opened. 

 

He slowly walked in, seeing nothing out of the normal, but it was the smell that hit him. Burnt flesh.  He walked forward, “Olivia? It’s Fin. Are you here?” He called out. His head snapped to the kitchen when he heard the muffled screaming. “Shit. Lucy!” He  re-holstered before he jogged towards her. He saw the bruise that was blossoming on her cheek and head. 

 

“Lucy? Lucy, it’s going to be ok,” Fin said gently as he felt for her pulse.  He was happy that he felt a strong one, “Come on,” He said softly and slowly pulled the tape off her mouth before he grabbed a knife as Carisi called for a bus. 

 

Lucy slowly started to come out of her shock even more before she coughed, “Fin, she tried, but he wouldn’t stop.” She started to cry.  

 

Fin gave them Liv’s address before he hung up.  He cut her legs free, peeling some of the duct tape off her leg before he freed her wrists.  He helped her slowly stand up before he lead her to a chair and wrapped his jacket around her, “Okay, Lucy.  I need you to take a deep breath and think hard. I need you to tell me who it is that hurt you. Do you know who hurt you?” 

 

Lucy swallowed hard.  Her throat felt raw from how hard she had screamed earlier. She swore that she was able to taste blood on her tongue.  She signaled for some water as she tried to focus on her breathing. She couldn’t get the look of how relieved Liv was because she didn’t get raped, but at the same time how terrified she looked before she was knocked out. She shakily took the glass, drinking some of the water before she looked at Fin.  She felt her eyes well up with tears yet again as she looked at him. 

 

“Liv was freaking out.  I walked in and he was just standing there with a gun to her head.  She said that I was going to get...get ra...raped and tortured,” She whimpered, “But then he said that he needed to get distance between here and there,” Lucy leaned forward, resting her forehead in the palm of her hand as she felt her shoulders shaking.  She didn’t understand how Liv was so strong during this. 

 

“Did you see his face?” Fin asked gently as he kept glancing at the door.  No one had gotten reports that William Lewis had escaped. He figured that this had to be a copycat.  Someone who idolized this sick fuck. 

 

Lucy nodded her answer as she heard the sirens coming from up the block, “She tried to seduce him Fin...just so he wouldn’t hurt me, but it pissed him off,” She answered as her voice cracked on the last word. 

 

“Seduce who? Did she say a name Lucy? This is really important.  I know you are struggling but I need to know if she said a name.” Fin said as he heard the sirens down below.  

 

Lucy looked at him, feeling how wet her cheeks were and how sore her body was, “William Lewis,” She whimpered. 

 

Fin felt as though his stomach fell out of his ass.  This wasn’t possible but he knew that all of this fit his MO perfectly, but he still didn’t want to believe it.  He stood as the EMT’s came in. He stepped back, letting them do their jobs as they started to assess Lucy. 

 

“Lucy, I am going to have a police car follow you to the hospital. I am going to post an officer outside the door of your room.  Okay? I want you to breathe and just do whatever the EMT tells you to do.” 

 

“Fin, please,” She croaked out, “Find Olivia.” 

 

He nodded his promise before he headed for the door but she stopped him before he left the kitchen, “Wait! Is Noah okay?” 

 

“Amanda has Noah.  He is perfectly safe,” He said as he gently soothed her.  He pulled his phone out, running down the stairs as he called Barba.  

 

*

 

“Hello?” Barba answered as he walked out of the courtroom. 

 

“Barba, it was Lewis.  God damn it, I don’t know how he did it, but he got Liv.” Fin said as he blared the siren.  He blew threw the lights. He had to get back to the house for backup and quick. 

 

“How? He is in jail,” Barba said as he jogged down the stairs of the Court House.  

 

“I don’t know but do me a favor and call Rikers.  This has to be a copycat then,” Fin said as he honked the horn. 

 

“Fin.  Please tell me how this could be Lewis or a copycat to Lewis? There is no way that all of the intimate details were ever printed.  The jurors were practically green when Liv was done with my line of questioning.” 

 

“Then this better be a damn good copy cat because Lucy said that the person that attacked her was William Lewis.” 

 

Barba felt the entire world freeze around him.  It was as though ice had been injected into his veins, “Does Lucy know who William Lewis is?” 

 

“No! Now call Rikers!” He said before he hung up.  Fin squealed to a stop before he took an elevator to his floor.  He ran in, and found Carisi back at his desk, “Good! You didn’t leave.  Come with me, now!” He said as he headed back to Liv’s office. 

 

“Are you sure that we should be in there?” Carisi questioned as he followed him.  

 

“Carisi, now is not the time to be questioning things! I need to find…” Fin trailed off as Amanda came in.  She sat Noah down at her desk before she headed back to Liv’s office once she spotted them. 

 

“Fin what the hell is going on?” She questioned 

 

Fin stopped long enough and looked at her, “William Lewis has Olivia.”  He saw the way that color drained from her face. 

 

“What?” She whispered.  

 

She ignored the confused look on Carisi’s face. This couldn’t be true.  She tried to process what Fin had said to her but still nothing was making it through her head.  She looked at Carisi again as Fin answered his phone. 

 

“Are you fucking kidding me Barba?! How are we just now being fucking notified?! What the fuck!” He screamed as he slammed a desk drawer shut. He knew that Liv always kept the file on Lewis within arms reach.  Now, he only had to find it. 

 

This caused Amanda to snap out of whatever spell it was that she was under.  She took a deep breath and looked to Fin for orders as he hung up with Barba. 

 

“He fucking escaped the Prison Ward of Bellevue. I don’t know what landed him there, but we are going to find out fast.  We are just lucky that Noah was in school. I don’t know what Liv would have done if Lewis had gotten his hands Noah. Put him in the crib. Rollins, I am going to send an uni to pick up Jesse.  Call the daycare and let them know. I am going to let Chief Dodds know. You two go to Rikers. Get the visitors log, have his cell taped off and get techs to the hospital, Liv’s apartment, and Rikers. I will have Barba watch the kids.  That way they are with someone they know.” Fin nodded for them to go before he left himself. The last thing he would let happen is Noah to grow up without knowing his Mom. 

 

***

 

Carisi looked at Amanda, “Who is this guy?” He questioned as she weaved in and out of traffic. 

 

“William Lewis.  I had...I picked him up on a misdemeanor, but I knew something wasn’t right… when I picked him up, I couldn't ID him because he had burned the tips of his fingers off. Liv and Amaro interrogated him.  Since then, William Lewis has had a strong infatuation with her.” She croaked out. It felt as though her throat was closing in on itself.  

 

“What? Was he a psychopath?” He was gripping the handle on his door so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. 

 

“Worse. A mixture of both with narcissism.” She mumbled as she slammed on her breaks.  She felt the seat belt bite into her neck. She hissed in pain before she finally made her way around the group of traffic.  

 

“What made him grow such a hard on for Liv?” Carisi questioned as he rubbed his own neck. 

 

“She was the only that got away.  He had her for four days. She was the only one that ever survived with him for that long.  I don’t know if she will make it another time.” She answered honestly. 

 

“What do you mean got away?” 

 

“He held her hostage for four days.  He tortured her and had her so strung out on pills and booze that she looked shocked to see us when we found her.  He had her hurt in ways that she never told us. She beat the shit out of him to subdue him before we found her. She survived.  When I asked her how, she looked at me with such a blank look and in the deadest voice, told me that she didn’t know. It’s not something that I want to see on her face again.” 

 

Carisi stared at the dashboard hard.  He didn’t know about this. When all of this went down he had to have been either at Staten Island or Brooklyn.  He took a deep breath as he formulated his sentence. He didn’t know what to say. 

 

Instead, a heavy silence fell between them as Amanda kept her eyes intently on the road in front of her.  She didn’t know what else to do. She felt as though it was a small win because she had made it to Rikers in record time, but also felt her stomach churning as she looked at the small amount of emergency patrol cars that swarmed the hospital. 

 

She felt as though the gates were moving slower than molasses, as she struggled to hold down her breakfast.  This was an answer that she got that she didn’t want. She swallowed hard as she ran up the stairs with Carisi a few paces behind her.  She slowed hard as she emptied her gun alongside Carisi, wishing that this process could somehow go faster. She glanced at Carisi before she walked towards the scene as if everything was happening in slow motion.  

 

“What happened?” Carisi spoke for them. 

 

“Lewis ate cupcakes of some sort then next thing we know, he is convulsing on the ground.  We have his cellmate in solitary but he said that he doesn’t know what was going on. He claims that he has no idea that this was even going to happen.  I don’t believe him.” 

 

“You allow them to get home cooking in jail?!” Carisi questioned incredulously. 

 

Amanda couldn’t hold it back.  She ran towards the bathroom, but only made it to the stairwell before she felt the bile burn her throat as her breakfast left.  She felt guilt rack her body. They had all promised Liv that she would be safe and that Lewis would never get to her again. They had all broken that promise.  She sank to the floor as her body shook from her silent sobs. She couldn't believe that he had managed to escape in the same manner twice. 

 

***

 

Fin rasped his knuckles on Dodd’s doorframe.  He waited until he got off the phone. 

 

“To what do I owe the pleasure Sargent Fin? Are things not quite working out the way you hope they would at SVU?” He questioned smugly. 

 

Fin fought the urge to punch his face as he stepped in, closing the door behind him, “I know this was before you got here, but Captain Cragen knows who he is and so does Nick Amaro and Munch.  I suggest, that if possible, you could have Munch loaned to us. I don’t know if you know who he is, but his name is William Lewis. He was sent to jail because he kidnapped, and tortured Lieutenant Benson for four days.  I just got the call confirming my information, but he managed to escape from prison. He has Lieutenant Benson. Again.” He watched the way the smug look slipped right off his face. 

 

“What are you talking about? How long as he had her? How did you find this out?” He stood, pacing behind his own desk. He had heard of Lewis and what he had done to Lieutenant Benson but never thought that he would have to deal with it himself. 

 

“We don’t know how long he has had her, but her nanny Lucy places him at the scene of the crime.  Knowing Lewis’s MO, he is transporting her with a stolen car and she was either physically subdued or she was fed a cocktail of pills and booze until she was dazed enough for her not to be able to fight him.  From my guess it is earlier rather than the later.” 

 

“Do we have her son?” 

 

“Noah is safe.” 

 

“Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go.  Now!” He said as he grabbed his own coat. 


	5. Rubbed Raw

_ Day 1 _

 

Liv struggled to see straight. The last thing she remembered before she was hit with the butt of her own gun was how scared Lucy was.  She groaned as her body flew up, from a bump that he hit. She hissed in pain as she tried to move, but quickly realized her arms were still handcuffed.  She could feel the duct tape that held her legs together, rubbing her skin against her legs. She could feel her stomach churning, but knew that she couldn't throw up or she could aspirate. She tampered down her fear as she felt the car come to a stop. She knew what this meant.  Either that Lewis was getting supplies or they were stuck in traffic. Liv licked at her duct tape, trying to get it off her mouth as she kicked at the side of the trunk. She could feel her stomach clenching even more from the taste of adhesive on her tongue.  She needed to get out here. She needed to know if Noah and Lucy were okay. 

 

She groaned as light flooded her vision, “You need to stop now.  If you don’t want anyone innocent to die. I can only imagine how parched you are. If you be a good little girl, I will give you a drink when I get back.  But for now, I need more cigarettes.” He smirked before he shut the trunk. 

 

Lewis grinned as he walked into the gas station.  He strolled up and down the aisles as if he had all the time in the world.  He tucked a cheap bottle of vodka into the crook of his arm.  He stood in front one of the cooler doors, his eyes scanning over the drinks.  He grabbed a couple of energy drinks and a bottle of water before he strolled down another aisle.  He felt annoyed that they didn't have rope but saw that they had jumper cables instead.  That would work out just fine.  He felt his skin tingle as he found some a pair of scissors.  That would be even more fun.

He glanced around, surprised that the news hadn’t broken.  He looked out the window and made sure that no one was looking at his car with suspicion.  He had long ago dumped Liv’s car and had stolen a blue sedan that was roomy for him at least.  He didn’t care if she was comfortable. He walked to his car, after getting a pack of cigarettes and drove for another thirty minutes before there was enough privacy.  He parked the car, stretching his own legs before he walked to the trunk, and opened it up. 

 

“Awh, don’t fight me now!” He smirked as he sat her up, “We have gotten this far.  I know you are probably thirsty. Are you going to scream if I give you something to drink?” He questioned as he pressed her gun to her head, "Ya know, I was in and out of that gas station. No one noticed me. The story hasn't broken.  I doubt they even know that you are missing. Looking t the time, I am guessing poor baby boy is wondering why his Mommy isn't picking him up!" 

 

Liv took a deep breath as she looked around, trying to figure out where she was.  She needed a relieve of some sort to figure out if she could make it back to civilization.  Back to Noah. She felt anger the moment that he said his name.  That wasn't something that he go to do.  She wanted to get away from him as fast as possible but she knew what was coming next.  

 

William could see the gears in her head working as he watched her look everywhere but him.  He grabbed her face, and yanked it so that they were looking at each other, “You won’t be getting out of here alive.  Do you understand that? This morning was the last morning that you got to see your son...Noah? Alive.” He hissed, "I hope that you held him and hugged him and told him how much you love him because that baby going is going to be mommy-less."

 

Liv could feel the tears pricking her eyes and felt his nails scratch at her skin before she finally nodded her answer. Lewis smirked and slowly peeled the tape off.  He kissed her roughly, laughing at the look of disgust on her face after he had pulled away, “I’m thirsty,” She croaked as she stared down at carpet that lined the trunk.  She felt as though sandpaper was coating her vocal cords. She heard a pill bottle shaking out some pills before she looked at Lewis. She knew what he was going to give her.  The same as last time. She clenched her jaw as she looked at him. She knew what he was going to do and she was not going to help to make it easier on him. 

 

She winced as she felt the grip on her jaw get tighter., “Open your fucking mouth,” He growled. 

 

Liv shook her head no.  She knew what he was going to try to do with her and she was not going to let him have total control, “Open your fucking mouth,” He threatened as he cocked her gun. 

 

She shook her head again before she felt him pinch her nose shut.  She knew that he was going to force her one way or another, “Open your fucking mouth,” He snarled.  Benson could feel her lungs burning as stars swam into her vision. She knew she wasn’t going to last much longer before she heard herself gasping for air. 

 

She could feel chalkiness of the pills on her tongue before she felt the vodka burning her tongue and throat. She tried to spit it out, but he already had her jaw clamped shut with his hand.  She tried to hold it in her mouth but he held her nose, “Swallow and I will let you breathe.” Olivia knew that she could choke, instead she chose to swallow.  

 

“That’s my good girl,” He smiled.  He hoisted her up after capping the bottle of vodka. He pulled her towards the back seat, enjoying the fact that she was stumbling over her feet.     He knew that between the pills and alcohol, it wouldn’t be long before she started to get woozy.  This was something that made him excited, "Tell me something," He said as he held her up against the car, "How did Lieutenant Benson become a mommy?" 

 

"Fuck you," She hissed. 

 

"Soon enough," He winked, "Was it because of surrogacy? Adoption? Clearly it was by your own body," He purred as he raked his eyes over her body. 

 

She felt her skin crawling. If she could have power over something, it would be the fact that she would not be discussing her son with this low-life.  She would be damned before he got information of her son from her. Lewis held her flush against his body before he opened the back door, "Fine don't answer me, but you will regret it later," He promised her. 

 

He situated her on the floor of the car. He filled the cap of the bottle with vodka and pulled off the duct tape from her mouth, “Don’t scream.  I am just giving you a refresher.” He said squeezing her cheeks and dumped the alcohol down her throat before he decided to tip the bottle down her throat, “Don’t splutter.  Drink up. Who knows when you will have another drink!” 

 

Liv choked, coughing hard.  She tried to swallow as much as she could but she felt like she was drowning.  She groaned from the pain that shot up and down her arms. She wished that he would just leave her alone.  She wanted to vomit and pass out from the pain. She craved water desperately as Lewis slammed the door shut again. She heard the car start before she felt the motion of it backing up again. She could feel the booze slowly soaking into her shirt and hair.  Her eyes burned slightly from the vodka that had gotten into them.

 

“I didn’t get to finish telling you, before we were so rudely interrupted earlier, but I have plans for you.  Big plans. I mean, I get excited at the thought of some of the things you are going to do.” He smirked to himself, “Those keys that I started to heat up were supposed to be for you. Not for that Lucy girl. I just wish that time hadn’t gotten away from me like that. Then I would have gotten to take her.  I bet you would have loved that! I bet you this much, she won’t be taking care of Noah anymore.” He smirked. 

 

Liv tried to tell him to shut up, but all that made it past the tape was a weak moan.  Something that didn’t even sound strong to her own ears. She felt annoyed beyond belief as she felt the pills entering her system.  She felt as though someone had suddenly put a fog machine in her brain. Even her vision became blurry. She felt as though each of her limbs was starting to weigh a thousand pounds.  Her body was starting to succumb to sleep as she smelled the cigarette that he had lit. 

 

The last thing she thought about before she succumbed to sleep was Noah.  She thought about his smile and laugh and the way he cuddled into her that morning. She would be damned if this morning was the last time that she ever saw him. 

 

***

Lewis yanked the door open, smiling as he heard a muffled scream of pain from her.  He took the cuffs off her before he pulled her up into the seat from the floor. She could smell the salt in the air.  She felt her head rolling without her being able to control it. Lewis looked at her wrists, giving a tisk of disapproval. 

 

“There, there Olivia! Time to wake up!” He said as he lit a cigarette, blowing the acrid smoke into her face, “We are officially home. I just wish that you wouldn’t have rubbed your wrists raw,” He purred pulling her close, “I thought that a beach house would be perfect for us during our honeymoon phase. What do you think?” 

 

Liv felt her eyes narrow.  Her head didn’t feel as foggy now but her shoulders felt as though they were on fire. She was still struggling to focus her eyes on him. She felt her breathing quicken as she watched him stare at the cigarette, “You aren’t answering me,” He sighed heavily before he pushed the lit end of his cigarette into her skin. 

 

Liv screamed as she tried to pull away but she felt his grip tighten on her.  She felt tears stinging her eyes as she smelled her own flesh. She struggled against him so hard but wasn't able to get away from him. She felt the tears rolling down her face. Her therapist had been right.  You couldn’t remember how bad physical pain could be. Her head dropped as he finally pulled the cigarette away.

“When I ask you a question, you answer. Are we clear?” William watched with a satisfactory grin as she nodded yes. He took off one cuff before he propped her up against the car, “Do you want to know the best part? We are totally one hundred percent secluded. No one will know where we are. See you all underestimated me. You thought that I was stupid. But you see, the person that I had scope these places out, they are all over the board, up and down the beach coast.” 

Liv groaned as she felt her feet hit the steps as she pulled her into the house. He let her fall down onto the steps before he used the shears to break the glass on the door. He quickly pulled her in before he dropped her back down. He pulled out three more of the sleeping pills, pulling off the tape again.

“I have to run out and get some more supplies. I know you will miss me, but trust me when I say, soon enough I am going to have you all to myself,” He smirked.


	6. Broken Skin and Loose Ties

_ Day 1  _

 

Noah was curled into Barba’s lap, starting to get more and more sleepy as he played with Eddie, “Why didn’t Mommy come and pick me up?” He looked up at Rafael with big curious eyes. 

 

Barba swallowed hard.  This was the question that he had been dreading to get since he had picked him up from the bull pen from Rollins.  He adjusted Noah in his lap, wondering what to say. He was good with lying. Lying to himself. Lying to friends.  Lying to family. Hell, he was even good about lying to kids. Noah was not just someone else that he wanted to lie to but he knew that there was no way around it this time.  He took a deep breath before he looked into is bright grey-blue eyes, “Mommy had to go away for work.” He said gently. 

 

“Why didn’t she tell me?”

 

“She wanted to, but it came up very unexpectedly bud.” He pushed some of Noah’s curls from his forehead, “But that means that you get to hang out with Uncle Rafi.  How cool is that?” He questioned with a forced smile. 

 

“Okay,” He shrugged, satisfied with his answer.  Noah crawled off his lap and jumped off the bed before he crawled onto Jesse’s bed.  He watched as Jesse woke and the two of them started to play. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.  He had to come clean. He walked to the door before he pulled one of the other random detectives in. He walked downstairs and looked around before he finally found the person that he was looking for. 

 

“Tutuola, can I talk to you?” He questioned as he looked around, “Privately?” There was too much hustle around them for this to be said here and now. He watched as he eyed him, before he lead Barba into Liv’s office. 

 

“What’s up?” He questioned as he closed the door behind him, 

 

“I have to disclose something to you.” 

 

“What would you have to disclose to me?” Fin cocked an eyebrow before he crossed his arms over his chest. 

 

Barba loosened the tight windsor knot from around his neck, and paced a couple steps before he finally looked at him, “I have been sleeping with Olivia.” He said, “For a couple months now.” He waited impatiently, in annoyance as he realized that this was the first time that he couldn’t read Tutuola’s expression.   

 

“You have what?!” He finally exhaled, moving his head forward slightly and cocking an eyebrow.   

 

“Look, since it isn’t a relationship, that is why we never disclosed.  But I don’t want you to have to find this out as a surprise. My...relationship with Olivia has not affected any of my cases that I have worked on with her.  Do you understand that?” Barba eyed Fin as he paced back and forth. He wanted an answer from him now. He also wanted another cup of coffee. 

 

“It has only been the past two months?” He questioned as he kept pacing.  He wished that he wasn’t as shocked as he was,"Plus, I am not the one that you have to worry about. I mean I am not your boss." 

“Yes, and I know.” 

 

“You didn’t tell me this and no one needs to know.  Right now, the focus is finding Liv, and getting her back home to Noah.  I broke my promise once to her, and I will not break that promise again.” He shot back solemnly.  

 

“Is there anything that I can do?” 

 

Fin thought rapidly.  He knew that Barba couldn’t help with this case.  Not when he was sleeping with Liv, “Excuse yourself as counselor on this case.” 

 

“I can't do that,” He shook his head. 

 

Fin finally stopped walking and looked at him, “You can and you will. You tell them that you will be taking care of Noah and that is going to be your main priority until Liv is  back home.” 

 

Barba sighed, re-knotting his tie, “I know someone who will be perfect to help you with this case,” He answered in a clipped manner before he left.  

 

Barba grabbed his jacket from the coat rack before he half walked, half-ran to the elevator.  It was time to call in his favor as he jabbed the down button three times in a row in rapid succession.  He felt the anger flare into his stomach as he stepped in. 

 

Barba knocked on the door, waiting for an answer as he looked around.  The neighborhood was nice enough but he knew that this wasn’t what she was all about.  He knocked again, waiting impatiently before he finally heard the locks clicking open. 

 

“Rafael Barba as I live and breathe.  This is a sight that I thought I would never see,” She smirked as she leaned against her door frame, resting her arm above her head against the door frame, and rested her other hand on her hip, "Hell might actually freeze over," She grinned. 

 

“How much do you hate dealing with narcotics?” 

 

“More than you know.” She heaved a sighed. 

 

“I need you for Manhattan SVU.” 

 

“Why?” She questioned. 

 

“Because Liv was taken and I have to recuse myself.” 

 

“Wait...what? Olivia was abducted?! By who?! Why, of all people, would you have to recuse yourself?" 

 

“I will taking care of her son until she comes back. That’s why.  You are the only other person that I trust to take over this case without fucking it up.” He said bluntly. He felt as though his jaw had seized shut as he forced the words, "William Lewis." 

 

She took a deep breath, and without a second thought; she grabbed her jacket and briefcase, “When can I start?” She finally questioned. 

 

“Now.  Let’s go Novak.”

 

Casey took all of five minutes as she put on her heels and locked her door before she lead him out of her apartment complex, “Please tell me that you will have someone for me to get an arrest warrant on.  I will need someone to catch me up on this son of a bitch that took her.” 

 

“I will have Fin do that.  You should give him a call. He already knows that I recused myself from the case.” 

 

“Perfect.  That makes my job that much easier.” She smirked. 

  
  


***

 

Amanda slammed her fist onto the table.  Her anger boiled so hot in her stomach that she needed to get it out before she punched her in the face, “Brooke, this is your  _ last _  chance to tell me something before I go and grab the district attorney and tell them to book your ass for obstruction of justice, accessory to kidnap, murder,  _ and _ rape.  How much clearer can I be? William Lewis does not love you.  He only used you!” She snapped. 

 

“That is what you think! He loves me!” She protested as she crossed her arms, looking away.

 

“If he loves you so much then why is he with another woman that isn’t you? Where would he take her that is supposed to be you? Wrap your pretty little head around that you idiot! William. Lewis. Used.  You.” She snapped. 

 

Carisi stood in the corner as he watched Amanda.  He knew better than to interfere with this interview. He had never seen such a wild look in her eye and if he was being honest, it was scaring him.  

 

“He told me that you would say all of that! That is why I don’t believe you! He is going to come back for me!” Brooke shot back smugly as she scooted further in her chair, crossing her arms tighter over her chest, “You really do have a hard on for him.  You’re the one who needs help, not me!” She proclaimed. 

 

Amanda saw the color red flash before her eyes.  She started to charge at Brooke before she even realized that Carisi had his arms around her, “Amanda, take a walk now,” He breathed in her ear. 

 

“No!” She struggled against him as he lead her towards the door. 

 

Carisi yanked the door open before he pushed Amanda out and shut the door.  He pulled the chair out and sat down across from her, “I am sorry about that.  My partner can get a little too hot headed for her own good. I think that she is overreacting.  I mean, William Lewis is one hell of a lucky man to have a woman like you waiting for him,” He said smoothly as he watched shock flash across her face almost too fast. 

 

“Ya know, your partner is a bitch.” 

 

“My apologies for that Miss. McNally.” Carisi smoothed his tie out as he sat down. 

 

“Brooke,” She corrected. 

 

“Brooke, right. Is there anything that I can get you? Something to drink or eat?” 

 

“Water,” She shrugged before she looked at him, “Why does your partner have such a stick up her ass and you are so cool about everything?” 

 

“She is the one that has a real hard on for our Lieutenant.  I think she might even have a crush on her, if you know what I am saying,” He grinned before he finally stood, grabbing the manilla file from the ledge and bringing it back to the table. 

 

“She can pull that stick out of her ass.  I am not going to talk to her.” Brooked huffed in annoyance as she rolled her eyes. 

 

“Then is there anything that I can say or do to convince you to help me? Honestly, I don’t care if she comes back or not, but I need that fucking bitch off my back.” 

 

“I can understand that, but I won’t be talking.” 

 

“I don’t want to see you go to jail though,” Carisi said as he thumbed at the file, giving her the wholesome boyish smile.  He hoped that this would help him with persuading her. 

 

“Why would I go to jail? I didn’t do anything wrong.” 

 

“Did William tell you why he went to jail?” 

 

“No.” 

 

“Can I show you the pictures from the scene of the crime?” 

 

“Are you going to show me even if I tell you no?” 

 

“Yes.”

 

“Whatever,” She said and rolled her eyes as she flicked her wrist at the folder, “Show me then Mr. Tough Guy,” She heaved. 

 

Carisi nodded, “Okay, as you wish,” He said and opened the file.  He showed an up close shot of one of the raised burns on the body of a previous victim, “This is one of his victims from Alabama.  He burned a key onto the flesh of her skin. Not once but numerous times. So many times that she could barely tell the detectives what exactly had happened to her. “ He said and slid the picture across the table. 

 

“You’re claiming that he had more than one?” 

 

“Yes.”

 

He watched as she looked in pure disgust before she pushed the picture away. He slid another one across, “this is a sixty years old woman.  He held her for a period of eighteen hours. He raped her. Sodomized her. Branded her with a coat hanger. She ended up dying from a heart attack a few days later.  All she did was take pictures in the park and happened to notice Lewis. She was sixty and she loved photography. He was the cause of her heart attack.” He said as he pushed more and more pictures across from her. 

 

He watched how tears started to well in Brooke’s eyes before she pushed the pictures away and crossed her arms over her chest,looking away, “I don’t believe you.” She scowled, “This is not the William that I know.” 

 

Carisi felt sick to his stomach as he looked at the pictures that told Olivia’s story, “This is my boss.  The one that you hate so much. She had over one hundred superficial wounds, the equivalent of a paper cut, all over her body.  She has an L, from a coat hanger branded onto her inner thighs. The doctor lost count of how many cigarette burns were on her body.  She had thirty on herchest and abdomen alone. The man that you love, did this to these women and this is only the tip of the iceberg. He has more victims and he has Lieutenant Olivia Benson again.” 

 

Carisi took a deep breath before he slapped down a picture of Olivia smiling at Noah as she pushed him in a swing, “Please, if not for your sake or my own, please tell me how I can find her so that this little boy doesn’t have to wonder why his Momma left him.” He said softly.  He watched as tears streamed down Brooke’s face at this point, smearing her eyeliner. He felt like crying himself. 

 

“Did he really do all this?” She stammered out shakily. 

 

“He could have done it to you,” Carisi said softly. He waited patiently as he watched her squeeze her eyes shut and take a deep breath.  

 

“Look, I don’t know where he took her.  Just...can I have some water and I will tell you anything that you want to know.  Please, just take those pictures with you,” She responded, turning her head away as she shoved the different stack of pictures towards Carisi. 

 

“I can do that,” He answered as he stuffed the pictures in the file folder.  He walked out of the interrogation room, looking at Casey. He glanced at Amanda before looking back at her. 

 

“Casey Novak.  ADA. Rafael recused himself to take care of Noah. I will be taking over the trial matters.” She answered before he could even ask as she held her hand out. 

 

“Dominick Carisi, but you can call me Sonny.” He took her hand in his own, giving her a firm handshake before looking around the hall. He briefly wondered where Amanda had gone. 

 

“She took off.  She is getting too close to the case and I might have to ask her to recuse herself before any mistakes are made.  That was some really good work in there. Barba wasn’t kidding when he said that you are one of the good ones.” She crossed her arms as she answered his unspoken question. 

 

“He really said that?” Shock passed through his features rapidly. 

 

“Yes.  I got the arrest warrant and I am assuming she was mirandized when you two picked her up?” 

 

“By yours truly,” He smiled. 

 

“Good.  This has to be by the book.  Barba told me how slick this son of a bitch is and I want to make sure that this time, he is locked in solitary confinement for the rest of his miserable life.” 

 

“Hopefully we can get a lot of information out of her.  Do you think she will be of use?” 

 

“I hope so. Did you used to work with Olivia?” Carisi questioned. 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“I am going to get her back...I promise. What are you going to give me to offer to her?” 

 

“Just keep doing what you are doing.  I know that Fin is out with Munch trying to figure out who his other mysterious visitor was. I will take care of that.” She said softly.  “Now go get her the water and get her talking. The more useful the information is that she gives us, the more that I will help her. If it checks out and it's right, hell...maybe she will even be able to stay out of jail.”

 

Carisi nodded, handing her the file before he went and got two bottles of water along with a granola bar for her.  He walked back into the interrogation room, “Okay, where should we start?” He questioned as he sat across from her, “What did he say you two were going to do once he was released.” 

 

Brooke stared at the water bottle, unsure of how she managed to get herself in this situation.  She swallowed the lump in her throat before she finally looked up,” I wasn’t always this stupid ya know? But uhm, he told me that we were going to stay in a beach house and make love and just listen to the waves roll in.”

 

“How did you two meet? Did he have you lookup any specific beach house locations?” Carisi questioned as he kept his pen poised. 

 

“Yea a bunch of places,” She finally cracked open her water bottle and took a long sip before she looked at him, “All over the place,” She heaved a deep sigh, “I am part of a program that matches up mentors with inmates.” 

 

“Can you be more specific?” 

 

“Only in New York.  He would never give me an answer specifically as to where he wanted to go.  The last three places that I gave him were Montauk, Southampton and New Suffolk beach.” 

 

“Did he have you look other places?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Where?” Carisi watched as her lower lip started to tremble, “There were so many places! I don’t know! I feel so stupid! How could I be so stupid?!” She cried as she covered her face with her palm, her body was shaking as she cried even hard. 

 

Carisi swallowed hard, “Hey, hey.  I need you to stop the tears,” He said as he pulled a travel packet of Kleenex from his pocket, “You screwed up.  We all understand that. However, now, you are doing the right thing. That is what is important. I need you to take some deep breaths and think.  I need you to tell me the other locations that he had you look up. I need you to think and tell me if he had you look up certain things that you would never look up.  Can you do that for me? The more you help us now, the more we will acknowledge that. How did you look up everything that he asked you to?” Carisi could feel himself getting anxious as he waited for her to calm down.  He knew the faster that he got answers from her, the closer he could get to finding his boss. 

 

“He...He told me to only use an internet cafe.  But sometimes it was just too cold to go outside so I would use my own laptop.  Ya know? I never told him because I didn’t want him to get mad at me.He would scare me whenever he got angry.  I only wanted him happy whenever I was with him. And...he only wanted places that wouldn’t have a toll or a bridge located by it.”

 

“Did he ever make a phone call to you from Sing Sing?” 

 

“No.  We only talked about our plans in person.” 

 

“Okay.  See? This is good. You are doing good.  Now what did you spike the cupcakes with that you gave to him so he was sent to the hospital?” Carisi question as he looked up before he saw the look of pure confusion on his face. 

 

“What are you talking about? I can’t even boil water without burning it.” She answered with anger in her voice as she suddenly sat up straighter. 

 

“You mean to tell me that you didn’t make him any cupcakes?” 

 

“No...I didn’t,” She said firmly. 

 

Carisi knew she wasn’t lying, “Okay, where is your laptop now?” 

 

“At home.” 

 

“Do you live with anyone?” 

 

“Yeah, my roommate Sarah.  She is on vacation right now though.” 

 

Carisi turned in his seat, looking at the window and gave a slight nod before he returned his attention back to Brooke, “Can I have your permission to seize the laptop?” 

 

“Yes.”

 

Amanda glanced at Casey, “Was I too hard on her?” She crossed her arms as she watched in on the interview next to Casey. 

 

“Are you kidding? I would have punched the shit out of her if I was in your position.  You did better than I could have,” Casey admitted. 

 

“Thank you,” Rollins answered quietly. 

 

“No problem.  I am going to go get that warrant and get papers drawn up to make sure that she will testify for us when this goes to trial.  That way there is no ifs, ands, or buts. That way I can make sure that this sad sack of shit never harms another woman.” 

 

“He won’t be making it to trial if I have a say in this matter,” Amanda mumbled. 

 

“I did not hear that,” Casey said, “Off the record, I hope your say is the biggest part of this then.” 

 

Amanda couldn’t help but smile for the first time in what felt like an eternity, “When this is all over, you are buying me a drink.” 

 

“Deal,” Casey smirked before she grabbed her suitcase and left.  

 

Amanda stood there, watching Carisi work Brooke McNally.  He did it the right way. He treated her like a victim and in a sick sort of way, she was.  She turned the volume up as she listened to them, absentmindedly running her fingers over her knuckles before she winced.  She looked down at her hand, realizing that she had managed to crack one of her knuckles open. 

 

“Fuck,” She hissed as she started to suck the blood off her knuckle.  She didn't think that she had hit the table hard enough to break the skin. She walked towards the break room, before she turned on the sink, and watched the mixture of blood and water run down the sink. 

 

***

 

Munch massaged his temple as he looked at Fin, “How the hell did they not realize that Lewis’s other visitor was seeing him under a name that doesn’t exist in any system?”

 

“I don’t know,” Fin sighed heavily.  They were both sitting in the car staring at the precinct. Neither one of them knew how to deal with their emotions at this time.  Liv was the one that always knew what to do. 

 

“I promised her that Lewis would never come after her again.” Fin announced, breaking their streak of silence, “I feel like I failed her.” 

 

“This is not something that you have control over and you know better.  Why are you thinking this way?” Munch said sternly. 

 

“I don’t...I don’t know.” He said honestly. 

 

“This isn’t your fault.  You and I have both been working the beat long enough to know that once a psychopath, always a psychopath.  The main thing that we can do is get her back before he breaks her.” 

 

“You’re right,” Fin responded before he took a deep breath, “I will kill that bastard when we find him,” He admitted. 

 

“You and a handful of other people are thinking the same thing. What about Noah?” 

 

“Barba recused himself from his cases for the time being to watch Noah.  RIght now we have Novak back.” 

 

“Good.  We need someone just as fiery and just as connected in the court house.” Munch reached over, unbuckling his own seat belt before he patted Fin’s shoulder, “We are going to find her and she is going to be home before we know it.  I think that as soon as we find this mystery woman, we will have all of our answers.”

 

“Let’s go crack some heads.” 


	7. Salty Air

**Salty Air**

 

_ Day 3 _

 

Lewis, watched the sunset come up as he blew the smoke from his cigarette out from between his lips. He took a deep breath before he headed into the house. He walked down the stairs silently. He stood over her body.  He knew that it was the pills that kept her sleeping as he stared at her, taking another drag of his cigarette as he crouched over her, watching the way the her chest fell and rose evenly as she silence pressed against his ear drums. Olivia’s screams pierced the silence in the small, stale basement.  She desperately tried to move her body away from Lewis as he put another cigarette out on her skin. She felt tears streaming down her face as a smile lit his face up. She focused on the duct tape that held her legs together and could feel the handcuffs biting into her wrists even more. 

 

“Good morning Lieutenant Benson.  Did you honestly think that this nightmare was over? Were you having sweet dreams of Noah?” Lewis questioned before he tossed his cigarette butt on the hard cement floor. 

 

“Fuck you.” She hissed through clenched teeth as her chest heaved. 

 

“Tsk, tsk. That is no way to speak to me now is it?” He cooed. He crouched down in front of her as he looked at her calmly. 

 

Olivia groaned as her neck snapped to the left.  She could taste the metallic tang as the blood flowed freely in her mouth.  She slowly pulled her head back before she spit at his face. She felt a small amount of satisfaction as he wiped her blood off his face. 

 

“I have missed your feistiness. I have something for you.  Honestly, I might give it to you if you behave like a good little whore that you can be,” He smirked as he stared at the way the bare bulb made the blade of his pocket knife shine.  

 

“What could you possibly have that I would want?” She hissed. She felt as though the drugs were finally wearing off, but knowing Lewis, this wasn't going to last long and he did everything with a reason.  She could feel terror in the pit of her stomach. 

 

William stood, walking around her, eyeing her fully clothed body, “There is a lot I want from you, but tell me how much you want this,” He smirked as he reached into his back pocket.  He pulled out a folded picture of Olivia and Noah. He was only one at the time and Nick had taken the picture as she was pushing him on the swing. She swore she could feel the room shrink as she stared at the picture.  She felt like she was imagining things.  

 

Olivia felt her throat close up.  She felt as though she forgot how to talk. She squeezed her eyes shut as William had become blurry in her vision, “Please...let me...please,” She begged. 

 

“Please what?” 

 

“Please let me have that picture,” She whispered. She didn't want to open her eyes in fear that the picture he was holding was a lie. 

 

“Let me see those big beautiful brown eyes of yours. That’s my girl.  Now, what would you do for this picture?” Lewis questioned as he stuffed the picture back into his pocket. 

 

She felt her chest heaving as she yanked at the cuffs again, wincing as her barely healed wounds ripped right back open, “Please! Just let me have that picture. I will do anything for it.” 

 

William nodded and started to cut the duct tape that bound her legs together but still left her handcuffed to the railing in the basement.  He smirked as he grabbed a fist ful of her hair and pulled her up, “Do you think that I have gone soft since the last time we met? Oh no. I did a lot of research.  Did you know that the body can last up to twenty-one days without food. You are only on day three. How are you feeling? However, I will keep you hydrated. I have to keep you ready to go when the time comes.” He purred 

 

“Just because you know a few facts doesn’t mean that you are smart,” She said lowly as she looked at him with furrowed brows.  

 

He pressed his lips against hers hard.  Olivia fought from gagging against his liquored tongue.  She wanted to replace that with the taste of coffee and gentle, loving hands.  That was something that she had come to love about Rafael. That was something that she wished she had told him. She winced as she felt his nails scratch her face as she pulled her face away and spit onto the floor. 

 

“I wonder if the name has changed for the one you will call out for.” He smirked at her. 

 

“Fuck. You.” 

 

“I have a big day planned for us.  You might as well rest up for a bit while I set up,” He smirked. 

 

WIlliam went upstairs, leaving her back in darkness.  He felt his entire body become lighter as he took another hit of meth.  He dragged the table that was in the kitchen all the way to the living room.  He worked his way through every single cabinet door, letting numerous glass plates, cups, and bowls as he searched for a pan. He left all of the doors open, before he finally leaned against the counter in frustration.   

 

He crouched down, going through those cabinets before he finally found a pan that was the perfect size. He felt excited with the prospects of what was going to happen.  He let the pan get hot as he walked to the closet and grabbed a couple of metal hangers before he turned on the oven and the rest of the burners on the rest of the oven. 

 

He leaned against the counter and unwound the metal hangers one by one.  He smiled to himself as he could heard the screams coming from her now. He winced slightly as he felt his pants getting tighter.  It was an inconvenience, sure, but soon enough he would be able to take care of it. He laid down the hanger, squeezing the counter top as he calmed his body down. He glanced out the window, seeing nothing but a house that was far in distance.  He stared at beach and knew that she would want to see it, but maybe another day. Once she was broken. 

 

He straightened himself before he laid out the duct tape, the hunters knife and the straightened out hangers on the table before he grabbed the gun off the top of the counter.  He dropped keys and coins into the pans as well as some butter knives before he walked back down the to basement. He flicked on the lights. He smirked as he watched Benson curl into herself.  He crouched in front of her, squeezing her lips together before he shoved her gun into her mouth, “We are going to play a little game. How does that sound? Come on. I have also decided something that is going to be either good or bad news for you. But for now we are going up stairs,” He purred.  

 

He uncuffed her from the railing before he pulled her upstairs by the hair.  Benson groaned as she tripped up the stairs, struggling to keep up with his pace. She struggled to keep up with him. She was struggling to walk after her body was numbed by sleeping, if you could call it that, on a cement floor. Her arms were burning and she felt like she wanted to throw up. She felt herself get thrown onto a kitchen table, feeling her head bounce slightly.  She saw all of the glass on the floor and felt grateful for the fact that her shoes were on. 

 

Lewis laughed slightly as he cuffed her hands behind her back. Benson tried to pull away as she felt his hands spreading her legs despite the fact that she knew that he loved a fight, she couldn’t stop fighting, “Please,” She begged as she heard the duct tape being pulled apart from its roll. She felt him tape one leg to the table, followed shortly by the other.  

 

“I am surprised that you aren’t fighting more. You must really want that picture of your son since you are behaving so well,” He purred in her ear.  Olivia shrunk away from him. She realized that he had changed his MO but she didn’t realize how much it was. 

 

“You don’t have to do this.  Please, just let me go. I promise that I won’t tell anyone.  I promise that I can leave and I won’t tell anyone where you are.” Benson pleaded as she felt his hands running up and down the back of her thighs, hinting at where he was going to touch her, but not quite yet. 

 

“Except there is only two problems with that,” He said as he stopped his hands just below her ass, “Number one,” He murmured and reached past her, “You are a cop.  You wouldn’t be able to stop looking for me and Rollins, that annoying perky little blonde, won’t give up when she is given a bone. I mean, just think, if she had listened to me and let me off on a misdemeanor, we wouldn’t be here in the first place.” 

 

Lewis took the hunter’s knife, yanking her back as he wrapped his hand around her throat as he raked his teeth over her earlobe, “Number two, you won’t stop looking for me until I am dead.  I am not that much of an idiot.” He stepped back and put a small cut into her jeans, nicking her skin slightly, before he ripped them upwards.  He did the same to the other leg as he stepped back, appreciating his handiwork. His hands gripped her ass, roughly kneading her body.

 

“You wore special panties just for me?” He purred loving the way her red panties contrasted her black pants, “You shouldn’t have,” He smirked before he cut her shirt off and added, “You thought that I did my worst to you when I had you last time, but I never got to do what I wanted to do.  I never had that chance. You caught me off guard. That won't happen this time. Now, when I am done with you this time, there won’t be a single part of you left to save,” He purred. 

 

He left her there and walked towards the kitchen, grabbing a metal hanger along the way, bending it into the shape of an L.  He smiled to himself as he watched the originally brass colored hanger turn a bright, angry red.  He walked back to her, and smiled to himself, “This is just the beginning,” He smirked as he pressed the metal against her skin.  He felt himself grow hard as he heard her screams of agony. He pulled it away, looking at her freshly blistered skin on the back of her right thigh before he repeated the process on the other side of her fleshy thigh.  He smiled and tossed the rod once it was no longer hot. 

 

He yanked her panties down, pressing her face into her table as he struggled to get his own pants off with one hand. He could feel his excitement growing even harder.  Benson screamed, desperately trying to kick him away despite the fact that her legs were taped to the table. She fought to get away from him, now that his MO was different, she didn't know how to react to him. All she could think about was Noah. She squeezed her eyes shut as she felt his hands pressing harder against her face. 

 

“NO!” She cried out as he forced himself into her. She felt as though she was being ripped into two pieces. 

 

***

 

“It has been not one, not two, but three fucking day!” Rollins screamed at Brooke, “Three days that a Lieutenant has been missing and three days that a child has been without their mother.  You need to tell us more. Where is she?! I know that you know where she it!” She snapped as she pounded her fist onto the table, “Think! Now! Did William Lewis tell you that any place was perfect in particular?!” She shook her hand out.  She knew that this time she would be walking away with bruises. She knew that the longer she was missing, the more likely she was dead, and that was not a thought that she wanted to have about Olivia. 

 

She was running on sixteen hours of sleep in seventy two hours.  Her entire body felt shaky and she didn’t know how to make it better, but she knew that the caffeine was making it worse.  She took a deep breath before she walked backwards. She knew that she was scaring Brooke and she knew that this wasn’t helping anyone else get any closer to the answers that she needed. She walked out, slamming the door, leaving her alone. 

 

“Amanda,” Fin said softly, “You need to go to sleep.  I mean it. You deserve to get some sleep. When was the last time that you hugged Jessie? She needs her Mom as much as you need her.” He said softly as he squeezed her shoulders. 

 

“I...I can’t.  Okay? We need to find Olivia. We need to bring her home before Lewis does something to her that can’t be reversed.  Do you understand that? We need to go help her. She needs me!” Amanda’s voice cracked on the last word as her tears finally spilled over. 

 

“Hey, hey now. Come on,” Fin hugged her close and lead her to the crib and sat her on the bed he rubbed her back soothingly.  He crouched down in front of her and let her cry. He knew that she needed this. He let her calm down before he finally spoke. 

 

“We have so many people helping us Rollins.  This isn’t all on you. In varying degrees, we all have promised her safety and comfort.  This is not something that will be pinned to one person especially since it is no one’s fault. Not a single one of us went to that hospital room and uncuffed him. Do you understand that? As your Sargent, I am sending you home to get some sleep before you wear yourself so thin that you crack.  I am ordering you to go and spend some time with that beautiful baby girl of yours and just focus on breathing and sleeping, just for the rest of today. We still have another lead to follow up on. Brooke is not our only hope. Do you trust Munch and I?” He questioned gently. 

 

Rollins kept her eyes glued to the cement floor.  She couldn’t look at him right now. She knew he was right but it still hurt., “Yeah...okay? I promise,” She dead panned before she left the room.  She grabbed her jacket before she headed towards the elevator, ignoring Carisi's questioning eyes. She felt as though she was the world’s shittiest detective on the face of the planet. 

 

Casey rubbed her temples as she looked in at Brooke, “Please tell me that you have someone that can get this woman to talk.  I know she is holding back. I just can’t tell you exactly what she is holding back. We need to get Benson home. I don’t know how much longer I can keep a judge on speed dial. The longer she is missing the least likely we are to find her.” 

 

“I know,” Munch sighed heavily, “What if I call in a favor so that we can get someone here that would really know how to find her?” He leaned against the slight ledge. He knew that letting Brooke sweat would help them slightly. The techs were already going through her laptop and he only hoped that they would find something good. 

 

“You’re not thinking what I am thinking.  Are you?” She questioned with raised eyebrows. She took a deep breath. She knew that Munch was one of the best detectives she had ever meant because of the way his brain made him question everything. 

 

“What if I am?” He said slowly. 

 

“I didn’t hear this conversation.  Do you understand that?” She said seriously before she grabbed her briefcase and walked away. 

 

“Loud and clear,” Munch answered before he walked away, pulling out his cell phone. The number was familiar, “Hey, I know we haven’t talked in a long time, but that favor that you owe me? Yeah I am calling in for it now….I don’t care if it is expired by four years, you are going to hate yourself if you don’t do it. If not for me, do it for Benson...yes...she really does have a kid now.  Great, you too. Just get here when you can,” He said before he hung up. Munch looked at his watch, praying that this would bring something onto the table He knew that Barba had Noah and Fin told him he sent Rollins home. This was good. This meant that soon enough they would have at least one set of fresh eyes. 

Tossing Lewis' cell had helped, and corroborated with Brooke's story, but he felt as though he was missing something. For the first time, in a really long time, Munch prayed silently that he wasn't making a wrong decision in calling his favor.  He only hoped that this would help them solve their case. He ran his fingers over his eyebrows before he headed back to his desk to sit down. 

***

Olivia could taste the salt on her tongue from the breeze that came in from the open kitchen window.  It felt as though her shoulders were going to freeze in their spot. She heard Lewis breaking more items in the kitchen and cursing. He was looking for something specific but she didn’t know what, nor did she care.  She stared at the white walls and wondered who really owned this place and what their reaction would be to the trashed state of their home with a dead body in the basement. She could feel her hope sliding out of her pores like the blood that was coming from the small cuts on her body. 

Her entire body hurt as she shifted her body to look the other way.  She heard Lewis coming back. She felt fear creep back into her stomach but didn’t know how to react. She screamed as he pulled her up and held her mouth open.  She could feel the alcohol burning her stomach and throat as he poured it down her throat. She wanted water more than anything. She felt her body dropped back onto the table as she felt her limbs loosening.  She knew why she was getting drunk so easily. She hated the answer. She felt her panties being pulled upwards before her bra was clasped closed. She felt so dirty and ached for a shower, but instead she was stuck to the table. She saw her shredded shirt on the floor and could only imagine how her pants looked.  

 

Lewis kissed the back of her shoulder before he grabbed the hunter’s knife, “I think that you should have something to forever remember this day,” He murmured.  He smiled to himself as he yanked her arms downwards, hearing her screams as he angled her arm properly before he started to carve the date into her arm. Olivia screamed, pleading for him to stop, but unable to move. She could feel the tears pouring down her face.  

 

William smirked to himself, “And you said that you were too much of a woman for me? Just exactly who the fuck do you think you are?” 

 


	8. Shocking Nostalgia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely meant to post this chapter last night, but I was invited to a concert and it was so worth it. I hope that y'all like this chapter and I plan to post the next chapter either Saturday or Sunday!

_ Day 7 _

 

“Fuck me,” Fin mumbled under his breath as Carisi shoved another donut hole in his mouth. He stood, his chair hitting the desk behind his because of how fast he stood.  He could feel his hands shaking. He clenched them hard to make them stop. 

 

“What?” He commented before he finished his coffee and tossed the cup into the garbage can. 

 

“You fucking piece of shit!” Fin snapped as he took long strides towards him, “You know you really did a fucking number on her! You didn’t return her phone calls! You didn’t bother to say goodbye! You just fucking left like the piece of shit you are!” Fin screamed as Carisi stood, and ran towards him, grabbing him around the waist, dropping his donut holes onto the ground.  

 

Munch stepped in-between them and shook his head, “Hey now, we all needed a set of fresh eyes.  Someone who wasn’t as connected to the case we are.” He said softly. 

 

“Damn right he isn’t as connected! He left Liv hanging.  He left all of us hanging. She even had to pick up your desk after you, you fucking piece of shit!” Fin yanked his body away from Carisi, “Get off of me,” He snapped as he smoothed his shirt out.  He looked at Elliott Stabler like he was seeing a ghost before he left. He was a sargent now, and he knew how much trouble he could get in for punching a civilian when it was unprovoked. 

 

“Aw man,” Carisi sighed as he picked up his flattened bag of donut holes, “This sucks,” He huffed, tossing the bag into the garbage. He looked at them, wondering who he was. He perched himself on the desk as he looked at them. 

 

“What is he doing here?” Fin questioned. 

 

“Helping.” Munch answered, "You done being hot headed?" He questioned as he stared at Fin. 

 

“Look, I know I screwed up.  By the time I was able to pull my head out of my ass, I knew that it was too late to try and reconnect with you all.  I still know Liv.” Elliott said gently. 

 

“No, you think you know Liv.  Seven years is a long time and a lot happens in seven years," He shot back, ignoring Munch's question. "I bet you didn't know that she has a kid now! I bet you didn't know that Liv has grown and become a better person than you ever will be," He snapped, shoving his balled up hands into his pockets. 

 

“Then let me help you get her back.  I owe it to her and you.” Stabler said as he held his hand out. He felt as though someone had punched him in the gut. He knew that Liv deserved all of that. He also knew that Fin's anger was fair. He just wished that he hadn't screwed up their relationship so much. 

 

Fin looked down, “If you don’t come up with something fresh within the next twenty four hours, you are out of here. Got it?” Fin ignored his hand as he walked past him and headed towards the coffee machine.  

Carisi looked between Munch and Fin, but knew better than to question it.  He knew that he was missing an important detail. He swallowed before nodding to Munch and headed towards his desk.  Barba walked in and looked at everyone. There were still people manning the telephone lines. There was possible leads on the numerous cork boards as well as notes with things they might have missed.  He swooped down, picking up Noah as he walked closer to everyone. He could feel the tension and wondered who the knew person was despite the fact that he looked older.

 

“Rafael Barba,” He said and held out his hand. 

 

Elliott couldn’t help but smile.  He looked at Noah as he took his hand, “Elliott Stabler.” He said before dropping his hand. 

 

Rafael felt his anger make a nerve twitch before he put Noah on the ground, letting him run to  Carisi, “The Elliott Stabler?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Why are you here?” 

 

“To find Liv and help bring her home and to help lock up the bastard who did this to her.” He crossed his arms over his chest as he kept his voice low. He was guessing that Noah didn't know the truth about his Mom. 

“You left. I have heard of you.  What you did was shitty.  If I worked for the police and they tried to make us partners, I would rather quit,” He said bluntly.  

 

“Good thing you aren’t on the force and that I am a private detective.” He shot back smoothly. 

 

“No, I am one better. I am the Assistant District Attorney.  If you think I am someone to mess with, you thought wrong,” He stated before he looked to Munch, “Do you have anything new?” 

 

“You know I can’t discuss that with you.” 

 

“When has that stopped you before.” He said pointedly. 

 

“Before the cases weren’t about Liv,” He postulated before he looked around the room, “Okay, is everyone done comparing the size of their ego? Fin, Stabler.  I know you have some bad blood between you, but I need Stabler up to date Fin and you are the one who cracked this last time, so you are going to help him so he can help us.” 

 

Stabler turned, looking at Fin before he turned back to door opening as Rollins walked in, “I couldn’t sleep last night and I think I have something.” She said as she ignored Stabler’s presence.  

 

Barba sighed heavily before he took Noah’s hand and lead him out the door. He knew that seven days was a long time and he was starting to lose hope as to whether or not Liv would come home alive or in a body bag. 

 

“What do you have?” Fin quipped as he looked through Stabler. 

 

“Brooke said she was looking for a beach house, right? Now I took the most recent spots because those were on her laptop.  The Montauk, Green Bay, and South Hampton. This makes a pretty decent sized circle, right? But wait, we all know that Lewis wants Secluded.  That cut out a lot of the beach houses that were not secluded. This still leaves a lot, but she didn’t wipe her hard drive and leaves us with these spots,” She said as she pulled up the dots marked on the map, “Liv is in one of these houses and I know it.” She looked around the room. 

 

“Did you get any sleep?” Munch questioned gently. 

 

“Yes.  Jessie was the one who helped me calm down so I could sleep.  Now, here is my question, who can get Brooke to pinpoint the house that he could possibly be staying in?” She finally took off her jacket and hung it on the back of her chair before she looked around. 

 

“I can,” Elliott answered somberly, “I mean, I am sorry if I am stepping on any toes, but I am the only one that hasn’t talked to her.  She doesn’t know what to expect with me.” 

 

“Okay. Elliott, go.  Carisi join him. Fin, do we have anything on the mystery woman?” 

 

“No, but we finally have a shot of her face.  She was smart, up until the day before Lewis broke out of jail.” Fin said as he pulled her picture up on the computer screen. 

 

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Rollins muttered.  

 

“What is it?” Fin quipped. 

 

“It’s Vanessa Mayer. But with brown hair,” Amanda muttered in shock.  She couldn’t believe that after Lewis attacked her mother, she was helping him. 

 

“Holy shit,” Munch muttered as Fin stood. He put his coat back on and looked at Amanda. 

 

“Let’s go,” Amanda said with a nod of her forehead. 

 

\----

 

Stabler sat across from Brooke, after handing her a sandwich and some water, “I hear you have been very helpful. Let me introduce myself.  I am Elliott Stabler. I am a friend of Olivia Benson. I have known her for a very long time. I was wondering if you are okay with me asking you some questions,” He said gently, giving her a smile. 

 

Brooke looked him up and down as she perked up, “Yeah, anything you want! I am more than happy to help out.  WIlliam Lewis is a piece of shit that used me and I feel horrible. You see, I thought he was planning a special get away just for the two of us and he made it seem like the NYPD had a huge hard on for him.  I just….I was stupid.” 

 

Elliott nodded, not interrupting her, “You said it was going to be romantic.  What do you mean by that?” 

 

“He was going to have a beach house for us. We were going to make love...ya know...the things that normal couples do.” 

 

“Only your most recent search was on your laptop, why?” 

 

“He required that I use internet cafes.  He was so cautious.” 

 

“The last three spots you looked up was on your laptop, Green Bay, Montauk, and Southampton..  Can you tell me, from the papers that I have here if he was looking at any of the specific houses?” He questioned.  He slid the papers across the table. He glanced at Carisi before he stood, “Why don’t we give her some time Carisi?” He questioned before he walked out of the room. 

 

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Casey smirked as she looked at Elliott. 

 

“Finally, some kind words,” He said and gave her a hug.  He squeezed her shoulders before he cocked his head, “I was not expecting you to still be an ADA.” He said bluntly. 

 

“How is Cathy and the kids? It took a lot of time, but I finally got what I needed to get back in. They had me on appeals for a long time before I went to Narcotics then Barba called in a favor.” 

 

“Fine. Cathy never quite forgave me for just leaving. But getting a job as a PI wasn’t hard,” He shrugged. 

 

“Cathy is a smart woman.  Maybe you should listen to her more often,” She smirked. 

 

“Maybe one day I will learn,” He shrugged before he turned away and looked at Brooke, “This William Lewis guy? I want to kill him,” Elliott said seriously. 

 

“I didn’t hear that.” 

 

“Course not,” He nodded, “How have you been though?” 

 

“Fine, but you aren’t here for me.  Are you going to stick around this time?” 

“You always knew how to push buttons.” He pointed out. 

 

“I wouldn’t be good at my job if I didn’t know how to.  You have really mellowed out.” 

 

“Yeah, that’s because I have been spending more time with my family.” He answered as Brooke knocked on the glass. 

 

Brooke pressed two pieces of papers with two different beach houses, “I can’t remember which one, but I know he was really looking at these two cabins.” 

 

Elliott looked at Carisi before nodding, “Game time.”  *** Noah looked up at Rafael, "Why was everyone so...I don't know the word," He said softly. "Because everyone was struggling to be nice to Elliott," He answered as he looked around, before crossing the street with him. "When is Mommy coming home?" Rafael bit his lip, picking up Noah, "Do you want some ice cream?" He smiled. He knew that he was distracting the child, but knew that he had to do that. The last thing he wanted to do was have to lie to Noah even more because every time that he had to, it broke his heart just a little bit more. "Can I get chocolate?!" He grinned brightly. "You can get whatever you want!" He smiled as he set him down, walking with him into her cool ice cream shop. He got Noah's ice cream with extra whipped cream and sprinkles, opting for just a single scoop of banana ice cream for himself. He thanked them, leaving a tip before he walked with Noah to a table. Everything about this place smelled sweet. He loved and hated that at the same time. He set Noah's sundae down before sitting opposite of him, "Are you going to be able to finish that?" "Maybe," Noah shrugged as smiled at him, "Why hasn't Momma called? She always calls." He said honestly. "There isn't very good cellular service where she went." He said and handed him a napkin.

Noah wiped at his mouth, "But Mommy promised that she would always call whenever she was away." He stated. He set his spoon down, pushing his sundae away, "Mommy has been gone for a week now." 

Rafael cleared his throat, holding his cone. He didn't know how to do this. He didn't know how to be a father or how break news to a child. He looked at Noah before he started to talk, "You mom is...she is very busy trying to find a bad, bad man. She can't call us because she is chasing someone that is also very smart and will do anything to make sure that he isn't caught. A man that she doesn't want to know about you so that she knows you are safe." He said gently. 

"Mommy is like Wonder Woman?" He asked brightly. 

"Yes," He smiled, "Your Mom is Wonder Woman," He grinned. 

"That is so cool!" He exclaimed as he pulled the sundae back towards him, shoving the spoon into the slightly melted ice cream before he sighed suddenly, "If you get to talk to Mommy, can you tell her that I miss her?" He asked in a small voice. 

Rafael felt his heart break into a thousand pieces. He knew exactly how he felt, "I will. I promise Noah," He said softly as he gently patted the top of his hand, "Now, what do you say that we finish up our ice cream and go to the park?"

"I say yes!"


	9. Haunting Hallucinations

_Day 9_

 

Olivia didn’t fight this time.  She knew that he would just have his way no matter what.  She stayed still as he pumped himself in and out of her. He was just using her again.  She flinched as she felt the knife slice open her skin superficially, but this time, only a small whimper escaped her lips.  She could barely focus on one spot because her mind was so foggy. She could feel her stomach clenching hard, begging for food.  She couldn’t remember when it was the last time that she ate. The only date that was sticking in her head was 9/18/2018. The date of the first rape.  She couldn’t tell you how many days it had been since that day.

 

She looked away as he pulled his pants up, “I am getting bored with you Benson.  Maybe this will give something to fight for,” He sneered as he dropped the picture of her and Noah on her battered body.  He left her uncuffed because he knew that she was too weak to even make it up the stairs. He felt starved as he left the basement, leaving the light on, but locking the door.

 

Olivia grabbed the picture with a shaky hand before the picture blurred from her tears.  She curled in on herself, feeling the cement bite into her broken skin as she rolled off the mattress. She had felt something inside of her break.  Something that she didn’t know if she still had or if she had a name for it. She stared at the picture until she fell into unconsciousness.

 

_Olivia looked up from her desk, “What do you want?” She felt herself grinning as Barba closed the door behind himself._

 

_“I just wanted to see you.  Is that a crime?” He questioned as he sat down across from her._

 

_“Yes it is because you left me.  How am I supposed to trust this new guy?”_

 

_“The same way you trusted me.  What else would you expect?” He smirked._

 

_“Why didn’t you stay for me?”_

 

_“I left so I could have you. Don’t you understand that? I would move heaven and hell just so I knew that you were okay,” He said gently._

 

_Liv sighed deeply, and went to answer but her phone started to buzz.  She looked down and felt her stomach drop, “That’s not possible,” She whispered._

 

_“What isn’t possible?”_

 

_“Elliott Stabler is calling me.”_

 

_“Answer it.”_

 

_“I can’t,” Liv whispered, “He left me and I am not ready to forgive him yet,” She whispered before she stuffed her phone in her desk drawer. She stood and looked at Barba.  Since they no longer worked together, she gave him a chaste kiss, “I will be right back,” She said softly before she opened her door._

 

_She felt as though her entire skin was covered in salt.  It was all she could taste. It was all she could smell. She turned around, feeling confused as she looked around.  She was just in her office. How could she be on a beach? She started walking towards a couple of people in the distance.  She screamed louder in hopes that they would hear her, but it didn’t make a difference._

 

_She turned around as she felt a tap on her shoulder, “Excuse me miss.  I was wondering if you could help me,” Lewis questioned with a charming smile._

 

_“NO!” She screamed as her hand flew to her hip, but felt fear course through her veins as she realized her gun wasn’t there.  Instead the taste of charcoal, oil, and lead coated her mouth as he shoved the gun into her mouth, quieting her protests. Liv felt a sharp pain in her thigh as she pulled the knife out, slicing wildly._

 

_She watched as his hand flew to his neck, with blood seeping out between his fingers.  She felt triumph and grabbed her gun, pointing it at him as she looked for help. When she turned back, she felt confusion as she stood over her own body, pointing the gun at her own head._

 

_“FREEZE!” Carisi screamed as pointed  his gun at her._

 

_“No! Sonny! It’s me! Don’t you see?!” She screamed back before she heard his gun go off._

 

Olivia woke up screaming.  She looked around at her surroundings and realized that she was still in the basement.  She felt her chest heaving as she looked at her bloodied wrists. That was when she realized she wasn’t handcuffed.  She looked at the picture of Noah smiling. She didn’t feel as foggy after waking up. She didn’t hear Lewis moving around upstairs as she looked around.  

 

She saw the washing and drying machine up against a wall as well as a tool bench opposite from that.  She looked at the wall and only saw two windows. Two windows that she knew she wouldn’t have the energy to climb through in order to make it to safety.  She pulled herself up with the support of the railing. She didn’t know if she could walk, but she was going to try her damndest.

 

She slowly made her way across the floor.  She felt like a toddler that was just learning how to walk.  She leaned heavily against the wooden bench, unable to fully support her weight on her own two legs.  She wanted to vomit the alcohol up, but fought to keep it down so William wouldn’t know that she was strong enough to make it this far. She grabbed the longest screwdriver she could find, and rested for a bit before she started to make her way back to where he had left her.

 

“Fuck!” She hissed as she fell from nothing except for pure exhaustion.  She rolled onto her back slowly as she caught her breath. She stared at the ceiling before she turned back over, getting onto all fours before she crawled back towards the mattress.  She put the screwdriver under the stairs, where he wouldn’t see, before she grabbed the picture of Noah. She gently outlined his face, just staring at him before she fell back into unconsciousness.  

 

_Liv looked at Rafael in shock.  She couldn’t believe he had just kissed her.  They were at his apartment, doing final preparations for their case.  She was shocked to say the least. She stood and walked towards the door.  She turned, surprised to find him right behind her, “I have been wanting to do that for a very long time,” He murmured._

 

_Liv felt herself being pressed into the door by Barba, but didn’t tell him to stop.  Instead she found herself kissing him. She could taste the scotch on his tongue but there was still the faintest taste of coffee.  It was as if he was permanently stained with that flavor. She didn’t mind though._

 

_When they broke for air, she loosened his tie, “Why do you have so many layers to take off?” She questioned._

 

_Barba scoffed, “If I would have known that I would finally have the courage to kiss you today, I wouldn’t have bothered with the cuff links.”_

 

_Liv followed him to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes in their wake.  She felt his lips all over her body and felt extremely elated. She laughed as she fell back onto his bed.  Neither one of them lasted long. In their afterglow, she tried to remember when it was the last time she had had sex.  She rested her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. It soothed her fears. She knew that she shouldn’t be doing this, but it wasn’t going to stop her now.  She felt his arm tighten around her as she felt his fingers dancing over her body._

 

_“I want to kill him ya know,” He said as his fingers found a raised scar of a key on her thigh._

 

_“I know.  Me too,” She murmured as she felt herself getting more and more comfortable.  She was happy that Rollins had taken Noah for the night. Maybe this was meant to happen.  She sighed contently as she felt him kiss her shoulder._

 

_“I hope you know that you are the most beautiful woman that I have ever had in my life,” Rafael murmured in her ear before he gently kissed her temple._

 

_“Mmm,” She smiled sleepily._

 

“Wake up you stupid bitch!” Lewis yelled as he smacked her again.  Liv flinched awake as she struggled to focus her eyes, “I brought you food you fucking idiot,” He hissed as he kicked her in the ribs.

 

Olivia coughed hard as she curled into herself.  She desperately tried to clear her vision as she blinked hard, but she was still seeing stars.  She took a painful deep breath before she struggled to pull herself upwards. She looked at William as she settled her full weight against the staircase.  

 

She smelled the food and knew that if she could start stockpiling whatever it was that he was going to give her, then she could save up enough to absorb all the alcohol and pills in her system.  She felt her head loll to the side before she looked at him under her eye lashes, “Please let me go home,” She croaked as she felt fresh tears pricking her eyes.

 

“You know I can’t do that beautiful.  I am nowhere near done with you. I am just beginning.  I mean, come on now. Do you really think I would only let you go after such a short period of time? I mean, it has only been nine days!” He said gleefully.  

 

She watched as he walked back up the stairs.  She flinched as he slammed the door shut. She knew that he would be back soon for round two. After the second time in the day, she would forget how many times he would fuck her.  She unwrapped the burger, feeling her stomach clench, before she started to scarf it down. She knew it wasn’t much, but it was nice to have something filling in her stomach besides pills, booze, or sperm.

 

****

 

“We checked both locations Fin.  There is no sign of life. Look, call me crazy, but I have a hunch,” Rollins said as she glanced at Stabler.  She knew that he was struggling with this case. After all, he was finally seeing only a small portion of what William did to her.  He didn’t see how badly he had gotten inside of her head.

 

“Then tell me what it is,” Carisi replied before he put his phone on speaker.

 

“There is no scent trail connected to either one of them.  What if Vanessa knew the exact location? I mean, has she spoken yet? It’s the only reason as to why Lewis asked for two copies of everything,” She replied before she pulled onto the side of the road and put her car in park.

 

“That makes a lot of sense,” Carisi said as he glanced at Fin, “Want me to call Munch?” Fin called out.

 

“Yeah, I feel like I am missing something out here, so I am going to go over the lay of the land one more time.” She responded.  

 

“Okay.  Head straight back to the precinct as soon as you two are done,” Fin answered before Carisi hung up.  

 

Rollins stared at all of the cars as they passed by.  She tapped her fingers against her knee, her mouth opening and closing, but nothing coming out.  She blew her bangs out of her eyes before she glanced at Stabler before she looked away again.

 

“Just ask it already,” He instructed.  

 

“Why did you leave like that? Why did you ignore Liv? I know that I only knew her for a year at that point but you hurt her really badly.  When Lewis got her the first time, she could have really used a friend.”

 

“Liv didn’t need me. Don’t you get that? She wanted me.  She wanted me to keep being there with her. I knew how she felt about me.  I knew that she loved me and I know that I hurt her. That was never my intention, but I needed to let her go.  I was falling in love with her just as much. Do you get that? I am married. I didn’t think it was possible to love two people at once, but I was wrong.  I was so wrong. I saw Sister Pegg die after I had to shoot a girl that was only a few years younger than my son. Do you know how much that hurt? I could barely look at myself in the mirror for months afterwards, let alone try to keep up my friendships.  I took my pension and left because I needed to.”

 

“Even if you didn’t call Captain Cragen or Fin or Munch, why didn’t you at least call Liv?”

 

“Because saying goodbye to her after everything her and I went through would have been the hardest thing ever.  I know it doesn’t excuse what I did to her, but I needed to let her go so I could get better and she could see the fact that she is a much better detective than myself because after all these years, she didn’t lose faith in the system and she never lost the softness she had to her.” Elliott finally looked over at her, unsure of how she would react.

 

Rollins face gave nothing away, “She is a lieutenant now, and a damn good one.” She said.

 

“I pay attention to the news.  I am not a total hermit,” He pointed out before he finished his coffee, “Why are we still here?”

 

“Brooke McNally has given us all that she has.  There is nothing more we can get from her. We have to find Vanessa Mayers. I know that Olivia is here.  We are close and I can feel it. But the question is, which house. I know we checked those two, but what if we checked houses that are within a ten mile radius? It makes the search wider, but with dogs, we can narrow it down faster.”

 

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but it has been nine days.  Do you honestly think that William Lewis has kept her alive this long? I mean...normally, he is done after two days.” Elliot questioned calmly.

 

Amanda adjusted herself in her seat after she took off her seat belt and looked at him, “You didn’t see the way Lewis consumed her with his eyes.  You didn’t see the way he treated her as a hostile witness and made everyone feel powerless because all that could be done was Barba objecting to his battering, but being denied.  You didn’t see the way that he grew obsessed with her. He is going to use her until he breaks her. It will be up to us so that he doesn’t break every last fiber in her. Last time, she survived four days because she was looking for Noah to enter her life.  This time, she is surviving to return to Noah. I am not going to return a beyond broken Mom. Do you understand that?”

 

Elliott nodded, “Okay...I will call a couple of my guys and I will get us some more help.  Where do you want to start?”

 


	10. Hopeful Longings

**Hopeful Longings**

 

_ Day 10 _

 

Rafael walked towards the sink, placing Noah’s empty cereal bowl in the sink before he stared at the wall.  He was happy that Amanda was helping him with Noah because half the time he felt as though he was in over his head.  He didn’t know how Liv did it. How she managed to take care of Noah and still get sleep as a lieutenant. He left the bowl in the sink, unwashed, before he walked to the bedroom.  He sat on the bed. It had been ten days. Ten days since she was yanked away from him. Eleven days since he had told her that he loved her. 

 

Rafael remembered the last time that he had told a woman that he loved her. Last time it ended with him waiting for her for over two hours in a restaurant, eating shitty bread sticks with an engagement ring that didn’t leave the box.  That was also the night that he decided to marry his job instead of feeling like a fool ever again. Liv was the first woman that he had been honest with his feelings about. To her and himself. It broke his heart knowing what the future was going to hold.  

 

He knew that when she came back, she would not be the same woman.  He wondered if his love would be enough for her. He took a deep breath and looked down. His sheets still carried her scent.  He ran his hand over his face and felt the day old stubble. He couldn't remember the last time that he had skipped shaving. Noah had told him that his stubble had tickled his when he had given him a hug goodbye this morning. He laid backwards and ran his hands over his bed. He rolled onto his stomach as he took a deep breath. He inhaled the light flowery scent that was always on her skin. He ran his hands underneath his other pillow before he felt the soft fabric.  Her panties. 

 

Barba pulled it out and felt as though someone drove an icy stake into his heart as he ran his fingers over the smooth silk.  He stood, holding the panties in his hand as he walked to his office and poured himself a neat scotch. He took a long drink from his glass, feeling the delicious burn in his stomach. His fingers wouldn't stop playing with the thin fabric. He set his empty glass onto his desk as he wished he could take her spot. He would do anything to get her home safe right now. 

 

He closed his eyes and felt as though he could feel her fingers on his shoulders.  He swore he could feel her hair on his chest and hear her laughter filling the room before she would take her glasses off and would kiss him.  He swallowed hard before he squeezed his eyes shut, and felt his finger tips get wet. He took a deep, but shaky breath before he stared at the ceiling.  He focused on his breathing as the beige ceiling only became blurrier. 

 

“God...I know we haven’t talked in a while and lord knows that if Abuelita knew that, I would be up there with you now.  I know that you do everything with rhyme and reason, but I don’t understand this. I  _ don’t _ understand how you can put this woman through so much pain.  Don’t you understand that she is one of the good ones? She is one of the women that would do anything to make the world better? Why do you have to make it so tough on her? She loves Noah and I know that is most important thing a person can have.  A child that loves them and them loving their child. Please….I know she won’t be the same, but please, let whoever it is bring her home safe back to me because I will do  _ everything _ in my power to help remind her of the woman that she is. I promise God, that if you bring her home back to me, that I will start attending church regularly again as well as make sure that she is taken care of.  Please..just give me this.” He could feel his tears hitting his shirt. He knew he wasn't a perfect man. If anything, he was the opposite. But this? This was something that he wasn't going to go back on. 

 

Rafael grabbed his cell phone, calling his secretary, and told her he wasn’t coming in.  He knew that he shocked her but there was something that he needed to do. He knew he couldn’t be a participant of the investigation, but he would be damned if he was just going to sit on his hands because the frustration was beginning to kill him. 

 

***

 

The only thing Rafael could smell was the sunflowers as he knocked on Lucy’s door.  He was happy that they had only held her overnight. He glanced around before thinking to himself that this was definitely a nice place for a nanny.  He briefly wondered what she was majoring in before she opened the door. 

 

“Hi Lucy,” Rafael said gently as he held the flowers for her, “I got these for you.  Do you have a moment?” He questioned gently. 

 

“Yeah,” She accepted the flowers, and stepped back to let him in, “I was just working on my term paper.  I could use a break.” Her gaze stayed low as the locks sealed the door shut behind them. 

 

She lead him into her living room before she walked to the kitchen and put the flowers in some water. She filled her tea kettle before she walked towards him, “Thank you for stopping by.  I know it’s not much, but this is my place.” She wiped her hands on her sweat pants. She fiddled with one of her sleeves as she signaled for Rafael to sit. 

 

“I came to see how you are doing. I mean...you went through something pretty serious,” He stated in a caring, even voice. He knew that this would be awkward but he wanted to make sure that she was okay. 

 

“I...I am okay.” Lucy said slowly as she avoided eye contact before she took a deep breath, “She tried to seduce him...did they tell you that?” She blurted out. 

 

“What?” Barba felt his entire body fill with shock. No one told him this. With the exception of Fin, no one else knew about the relationship he had with Liv. He didn't want to admit that he was angry, but he knew that she was doing that only to protect Lucy. 

 

“He went to get some duct tape or something and she warned me that I was going to be raped and hurt me...and then he came back and...and it was almost as if something entered her and she tried to seduce him so he wouldn’t touch me.  He laughed at her. I mean...I didn’t get raped,” Lucy's voice sounded so tight as she hugged herself, avoiding eye contact. She didn't know why she was talking to him about this. She had barely left her apartment since the attack. She could still see the terror in Liv's eyes when she had walked into the door that fateful day. 

 

Rafael took a step closer to her and gingerly placed his hand on her shoulder, feeling her flinch slightly under his touch, “I can’t even imagine what you went through, but if you don’t want to talk about this, you do not have to.  That is not why I came here. I came to see if you were okay. I came to see if you needed anything or if you just wanted some company for a while.” 

 

Lucy looked up at him, “He took Olivia...Noah hasn’t seen his Mom and I am struggling to leave my apartment right now.  For the rest of my life I am stuck with this.” Lucy pulled away, twisting her hips slightly before she pulled her shirt up.  The key shape was an angry, raised color of pink skin, “The doctor said that I would have this for the rest of my life. If he hadn’t noticed that it was late in the day, I would have been raped.” 

 

Rafael took a moment, thinking about everything that she was saying, “Wait...you said that you weren’t raped because he realized that it was late in the day?” He questioned gently. 

 

“Yes,” She answered before she walked away and pulled whistling tea kettle off the stove top and turned the flame off, “Is Noah okay?” 

 

“He misses you,” He answered distractedly. 

 

“Do you care if  I come over and see him?”

 

“Do you want to pick him up today?” He smiled. 

 

“I would love that.” 

 

“You said that he left because it was late?” He asked again as he looked at her. 

 

“Yes.” She offered up a cup of tea. 

 

He waved it off before he looked at her, “I am sorry...I have to go. I don’t mean to be rude but I think that...I think that-” He stopped talking as Lucy squeezed his arm, “Bring Noah home.  Hang out with him. He has been asking about you and I will make us some dinner to eat. It’s amazing how you can teach yourself so much in order to take care of a kid.” 

 

“Bring her home,” She said softly. 

 

*** 

Rafael walked into the precinct and looked around.  He hated that he wasn’t on this case but there is no one else that he would trust besides Casey.  He looked at the cork boards that was tacked with so much information and tips that they had from the case. He glanced over where people were taking tips. That was much smaller than he liked to admit. He wished they had more people for that. He felt the tightness in his chest and felt frustrated that he had to take himself off the case. Sometimes it was his objectivity that killed him. 

“Barba what are you doing here?” Fin questioned as he walked towards him. 

 

“I came to see if you made any progress,” He answered honestly. 

 

“You know I would call you if I did.  You know that you can’t be here. I am already covering for you and there is nothing that I can tell you.  You know the rules Barba.” He said softly. 

 

“I am going crazy ok? I just want her home.” He ran his fingers through his hair as he stared at his tennis shoes hard.  He knew what he was risking but he also knew that if everyone in this precinct had their way, William Lewis would not be returning at all this time, "And I just went and saw Lucy, she is jumpy. I was wondering if I could ask a favor and ask that you have someone watch her so she can feel more secure? She admitted to me that she has barely left her apartment." 

 

“We are doing the best that we can.  We are trying everything possible to bring her home.  You know how much she means to all of us!” Fin answered gently before he placed his hand on his shoulder, “We just got a new lead that I think will bring her home to us. As for a protection detail, I can do that for Lucy.” 

 

Barba could feel his shoulders shrinking inwards before he finally looked at him, “It’s been ten days.  How do we know that he hasn’t gotten bored with her?” He questioned crudely.

 

“Don’t think that way,” Fin answered firmly before he stuffed his hands in his pockets, “Go home and get some sleep.  I promise to call you if we find something. Okay?” 

 

Barba nodded, “Yeah...yeah. Okay,” He said slowly before leaving. 

 

Carisi sat across from Vanessa and blew some of the steam off his cup of coffee, “Thank you for coming in.  You are a lawyer, and you know your rights. How will we be going about this?” 

 

“I didn’t help him break out of jail.” She stated plainly. 

 

“But you visited him in jail.” 

 

“Because when that stupid bitch got him out, I wanted to kill him,” She said as she looked up at him. 

 

Carisi couldn’t help but notice how baggy her eyes were or how dead they looked.  He swallowed before he clicked his pen twice, “So you are telling me, that you were fooling him?” He questioned. 

 

“Yes. You know what he did to my mom.  She can’t even leave the house and she cries over my Dad once a day...minimum. Why am I here?” 

 

“Lieutenant Olivia Benson was taken by him. Not only that, but the other person visiting him can't bake for shit.” 

 

She felt her eyes widen as she looked at him, “Oh god.  No...I...how can I help?” She questioned as she sat up straighter, "If I would have known he had taken her, I would have come sooner!" 

 

“Well, we can start with the basics,” He answered as he slid a legal pad across the table, “I need you to write down everything that you talked about.  List any location that he talked about. Is there anything that you are willing to hand over to help in our investigation?” 

 

“My laptop. I just...I do have a research history of how to kill a person.” She admitted as she looked down at the blank pad. 

 

“We will withhold all charges.  You are cooperating with helping to find Lieutenant Benson.  Is there anything that I can get for you to drink?” He asked as he stood. 

 

“Water, please.” She answered. 

 

Carisi walked out and looked at Casey, “Well?” 

 

“There won’t be any charges.  She cooperated from the get go. Clearly her Mom needs her. Off the record, she wanted this son of a bitch dead as much as we do. Plus, I believe her. I doubt that she went to that jail to seduce him. She knew what he was capable of and she wasn't going to take that shit from him again. I believe he when she says that she would have come in earlier if she had known sooner." 

"All she had to do was turn on the television," He said in seriousness. 

"Not everyone's life revolves around news," She bent over, grabbing her briefcase, "Trust me." 

 


	11. Not For Nothing

_ Day 13  _

 

Olivia ran her fingers over Noah’s face in the picture.  She no longer felt it whenever Lewis forced himself on her.  It was as though she wasn’t in her body anymore. She knew that it was dissociation.  She had been taken by him in every way possible. She could still taste the metallic sulfur taste every time her own gun betrayed her by raping her mouth.  She pulled her knees to her chest, squeezing her eyes shut as she heard Lewis walking around upstairs. She barely had enough energy to stand, let alone fight anymore. 

 

She could feel the scabs on various parts of her squeezing her skin tighter as she reached for the screwdriver that she had stashed under the stairs.  She felt her breathing get heavier as she struggled to pull herself up straight. She saw her knuckles turn white as she groaned weakly from the exertion.  She stopped to catch her breath. She could still taste the whiskey that he had given her this morning. She supported her weight against the railing as she moved to the base of the stairs. She looked up the stairs as she dropped to her knees. 

 

“Fuck,” She hissed.  She felt her scabs open on her knees before she started to pull herself up the stairs as she crawled on all fours.  She could hear the metal scraping against the slightly damp wood. Olivia stopped halfway up as she struggled to see straight.  She squeezed her eyes shut as she dropped her head against the cool wood raling. 

 

“Noah...I love you so much,” She whispered as tears slipped past her eyelids.  She knew her team was trying to find her. But she didn’t know how much more she could take of this.  She felt her nails break against the wood as she pulled herself up. She took a deep shaky breath as she felt her hand hit the door. 

 

She pulled herself up straight as she finally pushed the door open and looked around.  The house was trashed and she didn’t hear him moving anywhere. He had to have crashed.  She gripped the screw driver tighter as she started to head towards the back door. She saw the kitchen and felt her stomach clench.  She moved around the broken glass as carefully she could. She hisses when she felt the glass breaking her skin as it went into her foot. 

 

She wanted to bend over knock the glass out of her path.  She was scared to bend over in fear that she would fall. She looked at all of the broken glass, broken furniture, and cabinet doors that were wide open.  She saw how the shelves were broken barely containing anything. She kicked the glass aside, hissing in pain as the glass cut into her flesh even more. She felt as though it was taking her an eternity to cross one-hundred feet to get to the fridge.  Her heart broke, knowing that this once beautiful house was broken in a way that couldn’t be fixed. 

 

She leaned against the fridge heavily, fighting to catch her breath before she leaned back slightly and pulled the door open.  She glanced over her shoulder before she yanked open the refrigerator door and grabbed the bag of the lunch meat and stuffed as much in her mouth before she chewed and swallowed.  The meat felt like a heavy ball of lead in her stomach. She choked down a couple more bites before she threw the bag back in. She grabbed one of the bottles of water, chugging it down so fast that she could feel her inner body get cold. She felt relief that it wasn’t alcohol entering her stomach.  She turned slowly and saw one of his various shirts hanging over one of the chairs. 

 

She pulled it on, feeling decent, and grabbed the screwdriver as she felt some of her strength come back.  Not nearly enough but enough for now. She turned, still not hearing him before she moved towards the back door on shaky legs.  She struggled to twist the knob before she leaned back, screaming in pain as she stepped on the glass. As the door opened, she took a deep breath of the fresh air, and felt the tears running down her face.  This was the best smell ever. She liked that there wasn’t the smell of stale sex suffocating her or smelling so much blood and burnt skin that she could taste it. 

 

She placed most of her weight on the railing before she pulled the few chunks of glass out of her foot as she struggled down the stairs.  She took a deep breath of cautious relief as her feet hit the soft dewy grass eve. She started  walking slowly in the direction that she hoped would lead to a main road. She took a deep breath as she started to walk faster.  She glanced around and kept going. 

 

Lewis watched from the second story window, watching her walk in his t-shirt.  He smirked to himself before he turned away from the window and walked down the stairs at a steady pace.  He knew that she was struggling to even make it to the sidewalk. He knew that she wouldn’t make it far and he wasn’t worried about it.  When he saw her close to the car he lightly jogged towards her quietly before he pushed her body against the car. 

 

“No!” She screamed as she felt his body pressed against hers, “Please,” She begged as felt her hand being smashed against the car repeatedly before she dropped the screw driver.  She felt his fingers in her hair before he turned her around. She looked at him as she felt his other hand wrap around her throat. 

 

“What were you thinking? Did you honestly think you could get away from me?” He sneered.  He ran his hand up her thigh, forcibly grabbing her hip, “Did you think you were going to kill me?” 

 

Olivia struggled to breathe as she felt his hand tighten around her throat.  She felt her hand clench in a fist before she swung. She felt satisfaction as her fist connected with his face.  She felt the pain of the punch radiate all the way up her arm and into her shoulder. She felt herself get lifted up as her feet left the ground.  

 

She clawed at his hands as she desperately tried to get out of his grasp, “You are not going to leave me.  I will let you go when I am done with you. That is, if you survive,” He hissed before he dropped her to the ground. She heaved for air as she blinked against the bright sunlight. 

 

Lewis bent over and grabbed a fistful of her hair, “Are you going to fucking try and leave me again?” 

 

Olivia groaned as she looked at him.  She wouldn’t make that promise to this jackass. She screamed as he yanked her up and tossed her over his shoulder like she was a sack of flour. She felt as though all of the wind was knocked out of her lungs. She screamed as he laughed. 

 

“Do you really think that anyone is going to hear you? Have you seen where you are? There is no one here that could possibly help you!” He screamed over her yells for help. 

 

Lewis threw her on the top of the kitchen table.  She screamed as she felt something puncture her back, “Fuck!” She hissed. 

 

“Someone is getting fiesty again!” He smirked as he yanked her panties down, “Damn did I miss this!” 

  
  


***

 

Rollins handed a cup of coffee over to Elliott, “There was nothing around the first area.  With us getting further and further away from the day that Benson was taken, we lose more man power.  I know that Chief Dodds doesn’t want to call it off, but if we don’t find something soon then we are going to lose all the man power that we do have.  How are we going to be able to find her if we don’t have help?” She questioned. 

 

“I don’t know, but we will figure it out.  Okay?” Stabler said calmly before he took a long sip of his coffee, “I have a couple more buddies coming to help.  Plus, there are a lot of people that care for her. There is no way that this hunt will be called off without her being brought home.” 

 

“But what if it is in a body bag?” Rollins murmured as she looked down at her knees.  She felt so guilty for even thinking that. 

 

“Now, now. We can’t think in that manner,”He said softly. He reached out and gently squeezed her shoulder, “Think of it this way.  We eliminated the area around the first spot. That narrows it down to one more area. Plus Vanessa Mayers is cooperating with us. We have one of the best assistant district attorneys helping us.  I trust Casey Novak with so much. I mean she is amazing.” 

 

“I know,” She sighed heavily, “I just don’t know what I will do if I lose her,” She said honestly.  

 

Elliot stood, taking her cup of coffee out of her hand and pulled her up into a tight hug.  He could feel her shaking against her body against him as he gently started to rub her back.  He knew that she was freaking out. He was too, but he was never one to show it. After a few more moments, he took a step back, “Go clean yourself up and we will get back on the road and start searching again.  Okay?” 

 

“Yeah,” she sniffled and kept her head down as she walked towards the bathroom. 

 

Stabler looked up at Fin as he came out of the interrogation room, “Did you get anything?” 

 

“Yes.  We might be able to finally be able to narrow down where Liv is,” He said with a twinkle in his eye.  

 

“Is there anything that I can do to help?” Stabler asked as Fin squared off his shoulders. 

 

Fin stared at him hard, lifting his chin slightly before he finally nodded, “Yeah, ride with me and I will catch you up so that we can be on the same page,” Fin answered before he held out his hand and shook Elliott’s as Chief Dodds walked in. 

 

“Sargent Tutuola, a word please.” Chief Dodds said firmly before with squared off shoulders as he jerked his thumb over his shoulder. 

 

“Yes Chief,” He answered before walking past him into one of the interrogation rooms with him.  He closed the blinds before he turned to face him, “What can I help you with?”

 

“It has been thirteen days since Benson was taken. From what I studied, Lewis never kept them for longer than two days.  The first time he held her, it was four days. I know you want all the man power possible to find her, but you have the best detectives in this unit working to find her plus a private investigator.  We have not had proof of life. We have not had any other witness come forward saying that they have seen either one,” Chief Dodds sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair. 

 

Fin felt his shoulders tense, “You can try to put Rollins and Carisi and myself on another case, but we won’t be able to accomplish much and you know that.” He said seriously. 

 

Dodds frowned as he looked at him, “Do you think that I want to do this? I have so much respect for her that the last thing I want is to even think that she is coming home in a body bag and leaving a young son behind.  I know how it feels to lose someone.” 

 

Fin took a deep breath, looking at the ceiling before he finally looked at him, “Here is the problem that I am having with you right now sir.  Every single one of my people out there, they all are struggling to swallow some sort of guilty conscious. They are all working themselves so thin to bring home the person who holds this entire department together.  Do you understand that? I understand the odds are against us. God knows when she comes back if she will be able to return to work. It doesn’t matter if you try to move us off this case. You know we will still be working it.  You bringing in this type of attitude helps no one. Everyday Barba has to tell a lie to Noah saying that his Mom got pulled away for a work conference. Everyday Rollins is pushing herself so hard that she will maybe get one hour of sleep.  Elliott has barely been home and he is no longer on the force! Carisi will only leave when I push him out the damn door. So excuse me for saying this, but your piss poor attitude will help no one in the long run.” 

 

Dodds looked at him, taking a deep breath before he ran his fingers through his hair, “You are twisting my arm in the wrong way,” He scowled. 

 

Fin felt as though he had been hit by a bus.  He couldn’t believe that he hadn’t thought of it sooner.  He looked at Dodds with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, “I have an idea.” 

***

 

Lewis crouched down in front of Liv.  The smell of booze and stale body odor and sex assaulted his nose. He frowned slightly.  She didn’t even stir this time. Instead, her hand that was handcuffed to railing hung limply and her breathing was deep.  He knew that he had given her one too many sleeping pills but he couldn’t risk her breaking free. Especially when he was going to go get some much needed essentials.  He sighed deeply before he yanked her head back with a fistful of her hair. He heard her groan in response, but her eyes barely fluttered opened. 

 

He rolled his eyes and started to slap her cheek lightly. He smiled as he her eyes slowly opened, “You were bad earlier.  You tried to leave before I was done with you. You know there are rules and you broke them. Since you decided to break them, I am going to have to punish you and you know that I am a man of my word. “ 

 

He watched as she barely managed to keep her eyes opened before he flashed the picture of her and Noah infront of her eyes.  He watched as her tears started to fill with tears. He rolled his eyes as he pulled out his lighter, “You lost this privilege,” He pulled out his lighter as he watched her eyes widen with realization. 

 

“Please no,” She croaked as she watch the flames start to engulf the picture.  She yanked against her restraint as the flame hungrily ate the picture. She watched as the picture started to bubble and melt.  She swallowed thickly as she watched Noah’s face melt. She looked away as she pulled her knees to her chest. She felt her heart ache as Lewis stood. 

 

“I am going to go get some things.  Clearly you won’t be trying to leave anytime soon or be able to get another screwdriver.  Maybe if you get back on my good side, you and I can go for a car ride. “ He smirked before he dropped the burning paper to the cement floor. 

 

The sound of her cries left him feeling hard, but this time, the need for more alcohol and food out weighed his need.  After all, the worst was yet to come for her and he needed to get the rest of his supplies. 

 


	12. Heavy Hearted Tricks

_ Day 15 _

 

_ Liv glanced down at the ice cream bowl, plotting her attack. She bit her lip, smiling to herself. She heard the metal cling against the ceramic as she pulled some of her ice cream onto the spoon, pausing only momentarily before she hear Noah gasp, as she pressed the spoonful of ice cream onto his nose. She heard him laugh before she felt him stand and press his face into hers as they both erupted into laughter. She hugged him tightly, she felt the cool cream melting onto her face. She couldn't help but laugh. To her, this was the most perfect moment of her life that she could have ever asked for. She kissed his forehead before they erupted into even more laughter... _

 

Lewis stomped down the stairs as he pulled out the key to the handcuffs.  He had never felt so much joy in his entire life. He knew that this was the best news ever.  He grabbed a fistful of Olivia’s hair and pulled her up as she groaned, pulling her from her dreams. He pulled her towards the stairs as fast as he could.  He felt annoyance with how much she was stumbling over her legs.

 

Olivia could barely keep up with him.  She cried out as she tripped up the stairs.  She felt pain erupt all over her body before she was hoisted up by him.  Lewis gripped her around her waist as he half dragged her up the stairs, not caring that she was hitting her shins against every step that they went up.  It was easier now that she had lost weight. Then again a steady diet of pills and booze with an occasional burger could do that to a person. He pushed the door open as he kicked numerous items out of his way before he dropped her onto the couch.  The television was blaring so loud that Liv could barely hear it. 

 

She looked at the screen as a picture of her smiling face flashed across the screen.  It felt surreal to see that. After all, how many of these types of press briefings had she done?  Lewis held her head in his hands so she couldn’t look away, “Fin,” She mumbled. She saw how professional he looked and wanted to reach out and touch the television.  She swallowed hard. She knew what was coming next as she saw Rollins, Carisi, Munch, Dodds and Barba standing behind him. She swallowed thickly and tried to move her head, and instead felt Lewis tighten his hands around her face, his nails biting into her skin. 

 

“Thank you everyone for being here today. My name is Sargent Odafin Tutuola.” Fin glanced downwards before he started to address them again, “Fifteen days ago, a member of our own was taken by the criminal William Lewis. He took Lieutenant Olivia Benson.  We have been exhausting every lead that we were given. With a heavy heart, we are sad to announce that we have not come up with any promising evidence. We do not know if she is still alive. The usual motive of William Lewis is that he is done with his victim after two to four days.” Fin stopped, clearing his throat. 

 

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut.  She could only imagine how difficult this was for him, “Open your eyes bitch.” Lewis hissed in her ear. 

 

Olivia slowly opened her eyes as tears started to stream down her cheeks. She swallowed hard as she watched Rollins wipe her own tears away as Fin continued to talk, “It is with a heavy heart that we are announcing this.  Without any new leads, we are cutting back on the amount of manpower that is being used to find Lieutenant Olivia Benson. We thank everyone that has come out to do searches, called the tip line, and gave food to our officers on duty. We will be keeping a tip line open if you do see or hear anything.  We are still offering the award of ten thousand dollars for any tip that leads to the discovery of Olivia Benson. She is a mother, and a friend to all of us here. Please, call the number below if you do know or have seen anything useful.” Fin picked up his hat, letting the others off the stage before he left himself.

 

Lewis released her head before he walked around the couch and clicked off the television as a picture of his face flashed across the screen, “They don’t even think you are alive.  I wonder what they are telling that little boy of yours. I bet he asks every night where his Momma is. I bet every night someone has to lie to him about you.  I bet it’s that perky little blonde telling him that you will be home soon enough.” He sneered. 

 

Olivia finally looked up at him, “Why are you keeping me alive?” She quipped in a flat, hallow voice. 

 

Lewis looked at her, “Four years, I was in that jail cell, fantasizing about the day that I would get to finally take you and make you mine.  Dreaming about the day I would get to hear you begging me to stop. Wondering how many times I could make you scream by extinguishing a cigarette on your skin before you begged me to kill you.  Four years. In four years, after your misconduct, you moved on. Swore to never be another victim and you got a little baby boy. Tell me how that is fair Lieutenant.” 

 

“You broke the law,” She articulated. 

 

“SO DID YOU,” He screamed as his nose touched hers. 

 

Olivia could feel his spittle on her face, “I know. It was so I could put you away,” She answered back evenly. 

 

“Justice isn’t a pick and choose policy. This is the justice that I am giving to you because you deserve to be treated like a fucking criminal.” He snapped. Lewis pulled back and started pacing in front of her, “Come on, you need a fucking shower.” 

 

*** 

Fin sat heavily in his chair as he stared at the fake wooden panel.  He felt disgusted by the words he had to say despite the fact that he knew it was all a rouse in hopes that Lewis would mess up.  He ran his hand over his face and closed his eyes. He felt dirtier than when he worked undercover. 

 

Munch squeezed his shoulder, “Hey...you were doing everything that you possibly could. This is one of the things that sucks.  You are doing the right thing but that doesn’t make it any less painful,” He said softly, “Plus someone is here to see you.” 

 

“Thanks,” He grunted before he stood.  He looked up and felt shock, “Ken? What are you doing here?” He quipped as he walked towards his son and gave him a tight but brief hug. 

 

“I just saw the news.  Is that true? Are you guys really going to give up on your search for Olivia?” He questioned in disbelief. 

 

“No,” He said softly as he lead him to his desk, “We are doing this in hopes that Lewis will mess up.  We are giving him confidence. We have narrowed down the search in where she could possibly be but there is still a lot of area left to cover.  If he screws up, no when he screws up, it will because he thinks that we no longer care. That is why I held that press briefing. The only thing that is true is that we don’t know if she is still alive.” 

 

Ken took a deep breath as he looked around.  He saw how tired everyone looked, but he felt even more shock when he laid eyes on Elliott Stabler.  He looked at his dad, choosing not to question that at the moment before he finally said, “Okay, when was the last time you all have eaten? I bet everyone is hungry.” 

 

“Starving,” Carisi answered as he piped up. 

 

Fin felt himself break out in a genuine smile, “Man, your twig ass is always eating and always hungry!”  

 

“Amanda Rollins. Special Victims Unit,” She said as she kept her eyes away from everyone.  She could still hear every word that Fin had said in her head over and over again. 

 

“I hear you are hungry for a bone Detective Rollins,” Lewis sneered into the phone.  Amanda felt her entire body freeze up as she looked up. She felt as though a mist had filled her brain. She swallowed hard before she snapped her fingers and pointed at her phone.  She couldn’t believe the kind of balls that Lewis had, calling her at the precinct. 

 

“William Lewis. Just what kind of bone is it that you are going to be throwing my way?” She questioned as the entire room went into motion.  She tried to focus on the people around her but they seemed like nothing but blurs around her. 

 

“I am guessing that you are tracing this call, so I won’t be on very long.  It breaks my heart to hear that you are giving up on one of New York’s finest.  Here I thought that the NYPD didn’t give up on their own. I thought that you of all people would be the last to give up on her,” He chided. 

 

“Is she alive?” 

 

“Who?” 

 

“You know damn well who!” She snapped as she stood so fast that her chair was knocked over. 

 

“Oh, you mean Lieutenant Olivia Benson?” He feigned innocence. 

 

“Is she alive?” She fought to control her breathing as she asked again. 

 

“I guess you won’t know. Ever.” He answered before hanging up.  

 

Amanda pulled the phone away from her ear slowly, feeling as though time had slowed down.  She knew that people were moving around her. She felt as though she was drifting above her body as her fingers tightened around the receiver on her phone. She didn’t register the fact that was screaming.  All she did notice was the feeling of the phone starting to crack as she brought it down against her desk repeatedly. She felt the plastic cutting into the skin on her hand before she felt someone’s arms around her.  She felt herself getting pulled backwards before she finally felt herself shrink into whoever it was that was leading her away from her desk. 

 

Carisi lead her to the couch as he looked at her, “Hey,” He said softly. 

 

Amanda blinked hard as she finally looked down and registered that she was bleeding, “That creep.  That fucking creep,” She whispered as Carisi wrapped her hand in a towel. 

 

“I think you need a couple of stitches.” Carisi said softly. 

 

“He is fucking toying with us.” She answered thickly. 

 

Carisi stood and locked the door and closed the blinds so that they could have privacy.  He kneeled in front of her and reapplied pressure to her hand, hearing her hiss slightly, “I know what Lewis is doing.  It’s working. On you. Why do you think that is? Because you are a fighter. Because we all know that you will do anything that it takes to get her back and Lewis knows that as well.  He is targeting you because he knows that if he can get rid of you that our manhunt will suffer. I want you to take a deep breath.” He said softly. 

 

Rollins looked at him, focusing on his face as she felt her lungs expanding and deflating slowly.  She started to feel the pain in her hand as her shock finally wore off, “Okay,” She said slowly. 

 

“Rollins, I know you feel like you don’t have control over anything and I can only imagine how badly you want to gamble, but I want you to ignore those feelings and think about this,” He said softly before he gave her a tight, loving hug.  When he pulled away, he tried to read her emotions. 

 

“Damn it Carisi,” She mumbled as she glanced at him before she looked down at her wrapped hand.  She saw little spurts of red beginning to blossom through the white towel. 

 

“Now.  Let’s go get the stitches that your hand needs and get back to work,” He said calmly. 

 

Rollins nodded as she used her other hand to apply pressure.  She stood and walked out of the room with him. She took another deep breath as they walked out.  Carisi told Fin he was taking her to get stitches before they left. 

 

***

 

Olivia closed her eyes as the hot water ran over her shoulders.  She knew why they had done that broadcasting and she could only imagine how much it hurt Fin to do it.  She ran her hands over her arms, feeling new indents, raised skin, and scabs. She opened one eye and saw how red the water was.  She wanted to throw up. She swallowed hard before she leaned her head back. She was grateful for the shower and was shocked that Lewis was letting her have one. 

 

She grabbed the towel and started to scrub her skin.  She winced with the pain as she started to scrub even harder.  She could feel him inside of her. Violating her. Burning her.  Cutting her. She threw the curtain open and retched out what little amount of food that she did have in her stomach.  She shakily pulled the curtain back before she sank into the porcelain. She weakly hugged her knees to her chest as she started to cry.  She felt her entire body shaking as snot streamed freely from her nose. 

 

She struggled to breathe as she thought of everyone.  She wished more than anything that she could feel Barba’s arms around her.  That she could tickle Noah just to hear his laughter. She wished that she could give Carisi a hard time with Fin joining in while Amanda laughed smugly.  She wished she could see Munch roll his eyes but still smiling as this all went on. She felt her stomach clench as she thought of Noah being tucked in by a stranger that didn’t know he wanted to sleep with Eddie. 

 

She slowly opened her eyes as she looked down at the water that was finally running clear.  She felt herself sink lower into the tub as she stared at the blue tiling that went up the wall.  She briefly wondered what the owners would think if they knew what was going on right now. Olivia closed her eyes as she sank into her thoughts. 

 

_ She watched as Barba rolled up his sleeves and started to put the food away.  The radio was playing softly in the background as she tilted her head to the side, “What are you doing?” She questioned with a smile.  _

 

_ “You worked hard, and made a delicious dinner. Mami raised me right.  I am helping you clean up as a gesture of gratitude. Now sit, enjoy your wine and I will finish the clean up.” He commanded as he finished putting away the stuffed chicken.  It didn’t take him long to put the little amount of food left in the refrigerator. He walked towards the sink and started to put the dishes in them, rinsing the ones that needed them.  _

 

_ “Well, thank you Barba” She smiled as she sat on one of her stools, drinking her wine as she watched him, “Thank you for coming to dinner.”  _

 

_ “Did you really think that I would miss out on your cooking?” He glanced over his shoulder at her.  _

 

_ “You are amazing with Noah.  I remember the first time I handed him to you and you looked as though a poop bomb was going to explode on you,” She teased as a giggle escaped from her throat.  _

 

_ Barba dried his hands on a towel as he turned up the radio slightly and as Bobby Darin drifted through the speakers. He walked towards her, taking her glass and setting it on the table before he pulled her up, wrapping his hand around her waist as he pulled her close.  Their free hands intertwined as Liv put her free hand on his shoulder.  _

 

_ “Barba! What are you doing?!” She laughed as they started moving around her kitchen.  _

 

_ “Dancing.  When was the last time you dance?” He questioned as he smiled back at her.  _

 

_ “Are you sure this is entirely appropriate?”  _

 

_ “No.  But I know that I am having fun,” He answered as his smile matched her own.  He couldn’t believe that he was actually doing this. He always thought about how good it would feel to have her in his arms but his imagination didn’t do this moment justice.   _

 

_ “That I am,” Liv smiled as she pressed closer to him.  The song made her feel lighter and happier than she had in months.  She couldn’t believe how happy she felt. It helped that she had a couple of glasses of wine in her system so she wasn’t over reading this.   _

 

_ All too soon, she felt as though the song was over.  She swallowed hard as she looked into his green eyes, noticing the way they crinkled with his genuine smile.  She knew that she should step away. She knew that they both had been drinking, but nowhere near enough to be drunk.  She glanced down at his lips before looking back at his lips.  _

 

_ Before Barba could overthink, he pressed his lips to hers.  He could taste the wine on her red lips as he kissed her cautiously.  _

 

_ Liv pulled away slowly, looking at him before she felt her body being pushed up against the fridge.  She threaded her fingers through his hair. She could taste the scotch on his tongue as she felt his hand cradle the back of her head as he pulled her flush against his body.  She groaned as she felt her lungs beginning to burn. She didn’t even know how badly she wanted this until it was happening. She pushed him away as she heard feet pattering through the apartment.  _

 

_ She saw how flushed Barba was as he turned towards the sink.  She had felt how excited he had gotten. She turned towards Noah as she saw him come around the corner, “Mommy,” He whined, “I had a bad dream,” He cried as he wiped at his eyes.  He had Eddie tucked in the crook of his arm as he looked at her.  _

 

_ Barba cleared his throat as he looked at her, “I should go.” He supplied lamely before he grabbed his jacket and disappeared out her front door.   _

 

_ Liv felt arousal still shocking her nerves before she crouched down and picked up Noah.  She carried him back to bed singing his favorite song lightly in his ear. It took him three stories before he fell back into a comfortable slumber.  She kissed his forehead, cracking the door before she walked back to her kitchen.  _

 

_ She poured the rest of her bottle into her glass before she called Barba.  She heard three rings before he finally answered, “Did you mean to do that?”  _

 

_ “Yes.”  _

 

_ “What did you mean by the kiss?” She questioned as she rolled the stem of the wine glass between the pads of her thumb and pointer finger.  _

 

_ “Liv.  I like you. I can’t even begin to count the amount of times that I have wanted to hug you.  Kiss you. Undress you. The way I planned for things to happen was not how they went down. I wanted to do it in a different way. Not being interrupted by Noah having a nightmare.” He purred huskily into the phone.  _

 

_ Liv drained her glass before she answered, “Rollins is taking Jesse and Noah to the Zoo and keeping him for a sleepover next week on Tuesday.”  _

 

_ “I will clear my schedule.”  _

 

_ “I will be waiting,” She said before she hung up, biting her lip before she allowed herself to smile.  _

 

Liv jerked awake as she realized the water was ice cold.  She clambered to turned the water off before she felt her breathing even out. She stood slowly, relishing in the fact that she was putting on clean clothes and not  just her used up undergarments.  She looked in the mirror and felt disgusted. She ran her fingers over her gaunt cheeks. Her skin looked pale and flat. She saw how badly bruised her face was with all the bruises in different stages of healing. 

 

She winced when her finger touched her busted lip.  She looked down at the rest of her body and couldn’t believe how bad it was.  She hugged herself as she took a couple of deep breaths. She loved the dream she had.  It was almost as if she could still feel Barba’s arms around her before she had taken Noah to bed.  She wiped at her eyes and hated herself for crying so much lately. She blew her nose and swiped at her eyes one more time before she finally opened the door and stepped out. 

 

“You were in there for quite a while.” 

“It’s the first shower I have had in fifteen days,” She shot back as she looked at anywhere besides Lewis.  

 

“Hungry?” 

 

Liv looked at him.  She felt so weak. The few bites of food that she had when she tried to escape were long gone. She grudgingly nodded her head.  She looked up, confused as he held out a pair of sunglasses, “I will let you come with me this time. However, if you try to escape again, I will go get your son and kill him right in front of you.  Now you know I am a man of my word. We better get moving cause the stores will close soon.” 

 

Olivia took the glasses, knowing that he was telling the truth.  She took the flip flops that he handed her as well. She felt even smaller as she walked past him.  She felt her stomach clenching as it begged for food. She wished that she had some sort of weapon but had no luck.  She took a deep breath as they walked outside, not believing that she forgot how salty the air was. 


	13. Sniffing Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normally I wouldn't be posting chapters back to back, but I won't be able to post the next chapter until Wednesday! I hope that y'all enjoy and thank you so much for all the lovely comments and support!

_ Day 19 _

 

“I know we have been over this before but do is there anything that you can remember?” He questioned gently.  He watched as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He looked at her patiently. A box of cannolis sat open, but untouched, between them as she took another sip of her coffee. 

 

“I can’t...I mean...he talked about beach houses but they were in so many different areas that I don’t…” Vanessa trailed off as she looked at him.  She felt so damn stupid. She couldn’t believe that she hadn’t seen it before, “Do you have a map?!” She questioned as she set her coffee down. 

 

Carisi quickly pulled up a map of New York.  He watched nervously as she scanned over the map.  He knew that there was something there that she wasn’t remembering.  Everyone else had called him crazy for pulling her in for another interview but he knew he was right.  He was so happy that he followed his gut. 

 

“Here! This is where they are!” She poked the screen hard as Carisi thrusted his fist into the air, “They have to be,” She looked at him seriously. 

 

“Thank you so much!” He ran to the interrogation room and opened the door and looked at Fin and Amanda, “I got something.  I think I know where she is!” He smiled widely. 

 

***

Olivia wandered up and down the aisles, not far from Lewis.  She was shocked that he had taken her out again in the span of four days.  He was trusting her because she was giving him an excuse not to. She knew that he was getting comfortable.  She knew this was always when a perp messed up. She took a deep breath and kept her eyes on his back as she they walked down an aisle that contained knives.  

 

She thought he was an idiot for not having her walk in front of him.  Since she had begun to act more submissive to him, he had trusted her more. She grabbed a paring knife after staring at the camera, before she stuffed the package into her sweat pants pocket. She grabbed a pair of scissors as after a couple more steps.  

 

She glanced around them, making eye contact with everyone that she saw, as she walked towards the registers with him, “I have to go to the bathroom.” 

 

“Hold it,” He said as he unloaded the cart. 

 

“I can’t,” She shot back. 

 

Lewis grabbed her arm and pulled her close, “Remember the rule,” He threatened before he released her arm. 

She felt his eyes on her as she kept her hands in her pocket and eyes low before she walked into the bathroom.  She closed the stall behind her, pulled out the scissors and quickly cut the wrapping off the paring knife, hissing as she scraped her palm against the sharp plastic. She yanked the knife out of its plastic and stuffed the knife into her pocket. She felt calmer with the fact that there was a protective case on the knife. 

 

She left the scissors atop the small square metal trash can. She dropped the trash on the floor, touching everything she could before she left the stall. She washed her hands, shaking the water off as she walked out, spotting Lewis. 

 

She felt grateful that someone was looking out for her since he didn’t realize that she had taken the knife.  The moment that he had chosen to threaten her son was the moment that she decided only one of them would be leaving in a body bag and it wasn’t going to be her.  

 

*** 

 

Stabler pulled the dog out of the car and looked around.  He saw no signs of life or a car in the driveway. He held out one of Liv’s shirts and released the dog. That way if he did get caught, he could say the dog had gotten loose.  He jogged lightly as he followed the dog. He had parked far away enough to make it seem as though he was just jogging with his dog. He felt the sweat breaking out on his forehead from the humidity alone.  He started to move faster as the dog picked up pace. 

 

He felt his heart thudding against his rib cage.  He couldn’t believe how hot it was since they were not too far from the beach.  He watched as the dog suddenly broke out into a run. He pumped his arms as he ran faster once the dog started barking as she bound up the cement stairs and plopped down in front of the door.  

 

He caught up to her a few moments later and scratched behind her ear, “Good girl.” He smiled before he pulled her off the stairs and back towards his car as he pulled his cellphone out.  He took a picture of the address on the door and glanced around before he lead the dog back to the car. 

 

He pulled up Fin’s contact and hit send, “We have found where he is keeping Olivia. Tell Carisi I am going to buy him all the pizza he wants.” 

 

“Get out of there now.  I don’t want to spook him.  Find stores in the surrounding area and get their surveillance footage.  I want proof of life for Liv before we storm the place. I want that son of a bitch alive when we take him.” 

 

Elliott arrived a few hours later with footage from three different stores.  He was shocked that they even had that in such a sleepy town. He handed out a DVD to everyone before he popped one in for himself to watch. He glanced around.  He couldn’t believe that Vanessa was the one to give them their lucky break. 

 

Munch popped in his own DVD and leaned back in his chair.  He rubbed his eyes as he fought to focus on the screen. He couldn’t believe how exhausted he felt.  He knew he was getting too old for this job, but he would rather pull an all nighter than never being able to forgive himself if Liv came home in a body bag. He sat up straighter, leaning towards the computer as narrowed his eyes. He took a deep breath and watched the familiar figure. He watched the way her shoulders were curled in on itself. He felt shock fill his entire body as he hit the pause button. 

“Olivia is alive!” He exclaimed in happiness before he felt anger burning his stomach.  He saw how gaunt her cheeks looked. He noticed the discoloration on her face despite the film being black and white.  He saw just how badly busted her lip was.He stared at the way her face was framed by the camera lens. 

 

“What?!” Rollins jumped up and saw the screen briefly before her vision blurred, “We have to go get that son of a bitch now!” She said as she looked to Fin desperately. 

 

“I am going to get ESU ready.  Stabler has a buddy sitting on the house.  Carisi, give Barba a call. Rollins ride with Stabler.  Munch get your old ass up and let’s go!” He barked.

 

“We are sure this is the right house?” Fin questioned Elliott as the elevator brought them closer to the parking garage. 

 

“I would bet my life on it,” Elliott answered. 


	14. Weak And Strong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! I hope y'all enjoy this chapter! There is HEAVY violence in this chapter and if that is going to bother you, please only skim over this.

_ Day 19  _

 

Liv glanced outside and saw how dark it was.  She knew that Lewis was asleep. She hadn’t heard him moving around upstairs after he heard a door close.  She looked at her cuffed hand. She could still feel the alcohol sloshing around in her stomach as she reached under the steps.  She knew he wasn’t an idiot, but he had his moments of stupidity because he was being presumptuous. She forced herself to eat the first slice of bread and could feel it literally soaking the alcohol up in her stomach.  She knew what she was risking by doing this but she also knew what she was risking if she didn’t do this. 

 

It felt like hours before she finally felt sobered up enough.  She struggled to reach the knife. She had overestimated slightly when she slid it into its hiding spot.  The only thing that had stopped it from going further was the first piece of bread that she had thrown down in order to stop the knife in case this did happen. She watched as the blood bubbled from her scab that was opening all over again. She hissed as she fought to stretch her body further. 

 

She felt her fingers graze the handle. “God damn it,” She hissed as she desperately wished that she had one more inch.  She gained her footing and felt the cuff cut into her skin even worse as she struggled, but managed to finally grab the knife. She pulled the casing off with her teeth before she slowly managed to pull herself up.  She pressed her heels into the hard cement an fought to get blood flowing in her legs as she started to loosen the cuff on her wrist with the knife. She felt extremely exhausted already but the thought of Noah in a coffin made her push herself.  She walked up the stairs as quietly as she could. She winced anytime she hit a squeaky step. She could feel herself holding her breath as she tried the door knob. 

 

“Fuck,” She groaned.  She felt anger build in her stomach.  She wondered how he could trust her to go to a store and not run away but not leave the door unlocked.  She was pissed that he wasn’t as cocky as he seemed to be. She tapped her finger on the door to figure out how easy it would be to break.  She breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t real wood. It was hollow in the center. She knew that if he had stuck a chair under the handle, it was going to be even harder for her to be able to make it even harder to get out. 

 

She took a deep breath, bracing herself, as she threw her shoulder into the door.  She whimpered as she felt the pain vibrate down her entire arm. She gulped for air as she saw stars dance across her eyesbefore she finally threw her body into the door again and stumbled forward, falling from the trajectory of her own body.  She watched at her knife went flying across the floor. She stayed still shocked that she hadn’t woken him up. 

 

Lewis tossed his cigarette onto the pavement before he walked back in the house.  He yanked open the door and turned on the light. “What the fuck?!” He gaped as he saw the upper half of her body and the broken door.  

 

“Shit,” That explained why she hadn’t heard him moving around.  She scrambled to push herself up as she ran towards the knife. She felt as though if it was her first try all over again. 

 

Lewis snapped into action as he tackled her to the ground.  Olivia screamed as she heard something crack and felt a searing pain.  She felt her body roll over his. She slammed her head back and heard him scream as she pushed off of him and lunged for the knife.  She felt her fingers graze the handle as he yanked her body backwards. She felt his weight on top of her body as he pressed her into the ground.  

 

Lewis shifted his weight as he rolled her over, “You like to play dirty Lieutenant.  I hope you enjoy lowering your son into the ground!” He snapped as his hands wrapped around her throat. He raised his fist, punching her in the face hard.  He grabbed a shard of glass and slammed it down into her hip hard before he yanked it out. 

 

Olivia clawed at his hands as she struggled to breathe. She temporarily saw white as she felt the glass rip through her flesh. She kicked her feet against the floor, barely managing to move a centimeter.  She struggled to take a deep breath as she felt her fingers touch the handle as she felt adrenaline flood her veins.  She wrapped her fingers around the handle and swung the knife wildly. She felt the pressure from her throat disappear as he fell backwards.  She felt air flood her lungs as she pushed her body away from his. 

 

“My eye! You fucking bitch!” He screamed as she struggled to pull herself up using the counter.  He looked around before he found a lamp and threw it at her back. Olivia screamed in pain as she collapsed back to the floor.  She crawled towards the door that he had come in as she heard a kitchen knife being unsheathed from the block. She tried her pull herself faster but her lungs felt like they were on fire.  

 

He strode over her. He threw the entire amount of his weight down onto her foot and heard a satisfying crack. Olivia screamed out in pain as she rolled over and pressed her back into the linoleum as her body crumpled into itself.  He stood over her, feeling pissed, he was clutching a knife himself and it was bigger than hers. She could feel herself wanting to give up, but the thought of not giving Noah another hug or seeing her squad or kissing Barba ever again shot adrenaline into her veins. 

 

“You fucking blinded me!” He screamed as he pulled her up by the hair, “I am going to take extreme pleasure in killing little baby boy Noah,” He hissed, "Especially since he will know that I killed his mommy!" 

 

Liv could see the stars swimming in her vision.  She felt as though every nerve in her foot was on fire.  She couldn’t believe how much pain she was in. She watched as he lifted his foot again.  She screamed as she curled away and drove the knife into his calf. 

 

Lewis screamed as he felt her pull it out.  Olivia drove the knife downwards, pinning his foot to the floor as she pressed all of the weight of her body into the knife. She pushed herself upwards and slammed her head into his crotch.  She screamed as he fell onto her foot. Lewis gripped his balls as he saw stars from the pain. He felt his eyes watering. 

 

Liv swung her good leg, landing another blow onto his balls causing him to roll off her leg.  She rolled, pulling herself away from him as she struggled to breathe. She could feel shards of glass from the numerous broken plates cut into her skin. Lewis swallowed thickly before he finally caught sight of where she was.  He swung his leg and felt it connect with one of her body parts. Olivia gasped as she felt the wind get knocked out of her lungs. She saw blackness swimming into the corners of her vision as she saw Lewis pull himself up, using a chair after he pulled the knife out.  He limped towards her, and yanked her up by her throat, “You stupid fucking cunt,” He growled in pain and anger. 

 

“I...am...not...dying!” She choked out as she felt her body smashed into the fridge.  She clapped her hands over his ears as hard as she could before she felt her body collide with the floor. She screamed in pain as she felt the tip of a wire hanger puncture the back of her thigh.  She watched as he stumbled backwards gripping his head. She turned away, grabbing the knife and turned as he lunged at her. 

 

She screamed as she thrusted the knife upwards blindly.  She felt her own eyes widen in shock as she watched the knife sink into his neck.  She quickly yanked it out as she watched the deep red blood flow quickly through his fingers.  She pushed herself backwards as he turned paler than a sheet. She heard the blood gurgle in his throat as he tried to talk, but nothing came out.  She felt her breathing even out as his stopped. She kicked him with her good foot before she broke down in tears. He was  _ dead _ . He was finally dead. She heard herself crying and laughing at the same time, “You’re finally dead!” She threw the knife away from her body before she crawled towards him. She pushed his head and felt relief flood her system as her head fell slightly. 

 

She pulled a wad of cash out from his pocket, tossing it aside, she searched his other pockets, grateful that she had found the keys for the car before looked around. She could feel the pain in her foot increase as her adrenaline wore off.  She looked looked at her hip and saw that the cut wasn’t as bad as she thought it was. She took off her shirt, and bit at it before she tied it around her hips, inhaling deeply as she felt even more pain. She looked at the hanger in her thigh. She knew where the femoral artery from all the times that Melinda had pointed it out. She cried as she pulled it out slowly. 

 

She grabbed the keys off the floor before she pushed her herself upwards, pulling herself upright full, supporting her weight on one of the few unbroken chairs.  She used it to go into the living room slowly.  She cried out in frustration as she saw the landline cable cut. She looked around before she saw the closet and slowly made her way there.  She yanked it open. She stared at the vacuum, before she saw the crutches, “Thank God,” She mumbled as she grabbed them. She slid her good foot into the over sized tennis shoe before she made her way back to the kitchen.  She could feel her pain intensify as she yanked open the fridge. She grabbed the pitcher of water and drank until she felt sick. 

 

She put it back before made her way out of the out of the door, hobbling over Lewis’s body.  She slowly maneuvered herself to the car. She tried to start it. She looked at the gas meter and pounded the steering wheel in frustration.  She felt fresh tears cascading down her face as she grabbed the crutches before she started down the driveway. She wondered how far she was going to make it.  She looked down and felt worry creep into her body as she realized that she was bleeding through the shirt. 

 

She hobbled as fast as she could.  She could taste the salt in the air as she felt hope that someone would be driving by.  She felt her adrenaline wearing off as she got even more tired. She stopped, dropping her head as she gasped for air.  She was so fucking tired. She screamed as she felt her body fall forward. The tried to break her fall but failed as her head landed on a rock.  

 

*** 

 

Elliott and Rollins were the last ones the race to get to upstate New York as they raced through another red light with sirens blaring.  He gripped the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were ghostly white. He took a sharp turn as they drifted around a corner. He glanced over and saw Amanda brace herself against the door but didn’t make a noise.  Everyone was wearing their bullet proof vests ready to walk into fire. 

 

They were almost there and Elliott had called Cathy to let her know.  He had a full view of the road as the lights off of the ESU trucks flooded the entire road.  They sped past house after house. He glanced at the speedometer and barely registered that they were pushing seventy miles an hour as they got closer to their target.  He barely registered the deer as he slammed on the brakes. 

 

He heard Amanda curse as she skidded to a halt. He caught his breath before he looked at her, “Are you okay?” He questioned as the rest of the team kept going.  

 

“Yeah. You?” She breathed out as he nodded. 

 

“Okay, let’s go,” He said. 

 

Amanda grabbed his arm, “No!” She said as she pointed to the deer. The deer was frozen to its spot, but it wasn't looking at them. It was looking at something else.  He turned his head and felt his brows furrow as he watched the deer run away in the opposite direction that it had just run to, “That’s not right.  Even for a city deer,” She said and got out of the car, unbuttoning the holster for her gun as she clicked on her flashlight. 

 

Elliott followed suit as they walked towards the driveway.  She brushed her light across the pavement as she saw the rocks lining the pavement.  She looked to her left and right as she started up the slight hill, “OLIVIA!” She screamed as she ran to her body.  She heard Elliott come up behind her. He shoved his gun back into his holster as he ripped off his vest and laid it on her upper body. 

 

“Don’t move her,” Rollins commanded, “Stay with her!” She handed him her radio before she took off running towards the house as she ignored Elliott’s screams.  She kicked in the front door as she swept through the living room. She couldn’t believe the amount of destruction, even though she knew to expect it. She peeked around the corner into the kitchen before she walked in. 

She stopped walking as she saw Lewis’s lifeless body. She felt her arms drop heavily to her sides as she exhaled heavily.  Everything was over now. For good.

 

Elliott pulled off his shirt and applied pressure to Liv’s head as he brought her head into his lap. “Hold on Liv, the ambulance is coming. You made it this far, don’t give up now.  Noah is waiting,” He said thickly as he blinked hard. He couldn’t believe the amount of wounds he saw inflicted onto her body. He felt his throat constricting as he forced himself to talked to her, “You can make it.  Come on Liv,” He choked out as he looked up to see Amanda coming back down the driveway. 

 

“Call off ESU.  He is dead,” She shouted as she walked back towards them. 

 

Elliott called the order into the radio as he heard the sirens finally arriving.  He felt Liv move slightly as he looked downwards and saw her eyes open briefly, “Stabler you son of a bitch,” Liv choked out before she succumbed back into unconsciousness.

 

Rollins choked out a laugh as she covered her mouth.  She felt the tears streaming down her face. She looked at Elliott as the red and blue lights flooded their vision.  She couldn’t believe that Liv survived nineteen days. She had barely managed to hold her vomit down from the smell in there. 

 

She watched as the paramedics took over from Elliott.  She swallowed hard before she leaned over and lost her dinner.  She entire body felt shaky as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand before she felt hands on her shoulders.  She looked up and saw Fin, “You okay.” 

 

“I don’t know how she survived,” She stated. 

 

“It’s Liv.  I am going to call Melinda.  If she is okay, have them take her to Hampton General.  You and Elliott go.” Fin squeezed her shoulder before he finally let her go. 

 

“Okay.” She said as she straightened herself out and rubbed her palms against her jeans before she walked towards Elliott.  

 

“Amanda,” Fin called. 

 

She stopped and turned to look at him, “Yeah?” 

 

“Is he really dead.” 

 

“Yes.” 


	15. Light Touches and Tousled Hair

 

_ Four Days Later  _

 

_ Olivia walked around her apartment, seeing everything tossed around.  Nothing was where it belonged. She couldn’t help but touch everything.  “Noah?” She called out as she crept around the corner. She needed to know if her son was safe.  She swallowed hard as she heard no response. She looked felt her hip for her pistol and cursed as it wasn’t there.  She walked towards his bedroom as she lost her footing. She looked down and saw a deep red color on the floor. She felt her throat constrict in fear as she walked further down.  She pushed Noah’s door open slowly and saw his lifeless body on his bed.  _

 

_ “NOAH!” She screamed as she ran to him, pulling him to her body. She jumped as the door slammed shut behind her. She felt her eyes widen in fear as she looked at him.  She couldn’t believe that he was there, “No...I...I killed you!”  _

 

_ “That’s what you thought,” He sneered as he pulled the hammer back on the gun.  _

 

Olivia woke up with a start, gasping for air as she was struggling to adjust her eyes to how bright the light was around her. She briefly wondered if she was dead before she groaned and held her hand over her eyes.  Her mind felt so foggy that she didn’t know where she was. She inhaled sharply as she sat up. She looked around and felt her heartbeat slow down. It wasn’t a dream. She had escaped . She really had killed Lewis.  She felt tears prick her eyes. It really was over. And in her weakened state, she had sworn that she had seen Elliott. She hadn’t seen or heard from him four years. She knew the mind could play dirty tricks when it was exhausted.  She looked around before she hit the nurses call button. She saw she was in a room by herself. 

She looked at the door as a nurse with colorful tattoos and caramel brown hair bounced into the room with a gentle smile on her face, “How are you doing Miss. Benson?” She asked softly as she pushed her purple glasses up her nose. Olivia felt as though that she was floating around. She could feel pain tingling in her nerves, but her mind felt so foggy that she didn't know what to do. She blinked as she processed her question. She took another deep breath again. 

 

“How long have I been here?” She asked gently. Her own voice sounded foreign to her own ears. 

 

“Four days.” Sabrina answered softly, “How are you feeling?” 

 

“Like I have been hit by a bus.” 

 

“What can I do for you?” She questioned gently as she stepped forward to glanced at the machines, reading something that she couldn't understand. Olivia's eyes followed her, noticing how she didn't touch her. 

 

“What’s your name?”Olivia asked as she licked her lips, suddenly feeling thirsty.  

 

“I am Sabrina. What’s your name? I know you are probably exhausted, but you have a room full of people waiting to see you.  Is there anyone in particular that you would like to see? I can only allow you a couple of visitors. It’s doctors orders.” She said softly, making notes on her chart before she looked up. 

 

“Olivia Benson. I am really thirsty but my throat hurts.” 

 

Sabrina nodded gently,"I am going to tilt your head back and feel the lining along your throat," She said softly before she followed through with action. She felt Olivia tense as she gently pressed against her throat, "The swelling has gone down. Would you like a Popsicle or ice chips?" 

 

“Surprise me.  Can I see my son please? Can you send him in with Rafael Barba?” She questioned. 

 

“Of course. If you don’t mind me saying, what you went through you shouldn’t even be awake yet. What is the last thing you remember before you woke up?” She asked. 

 

“I thought I told someone that looked like my old partner that he was a son of a bitch before I passed out.” She answered honestly as she pushed herself up slowly as she winced, “Why does it hurt to breathe?” 

 

“You have two broken ribs on the right side as well as broken bones in your foot. How much pain are you in?” 

 

“I am fine. Can I please see my son?” She asked again. She felt annoyance even though she understood that she was just doing her job. She took a deep breath, forcing a smile onto her face. 

"I understand that you want to see your son. But does he understand that you were abducted? Will he understand why you look the way that you do?" She asked softly. 

 

"What are you talking about? I haven't seen my son in....a month?" She questioned, "How would I know what they told him? Can you please, _please_ just bring me my son?" 

 

Sabrina bit her lip but nodded nodded headed for the door but paused in the doorway, “Pardon me if this is too forward, but you shouldn’t even be awake yet with how much trauma your body has been through.  You are one hell of a fighter,” She stated before she got her a cup of ice chips and headed towards the waiting room. 

 

She looked felt the buzz of nervous energy as she walked into the room.  She had taken shifts from other nurses so that way she could help keep Olivia’s care stable.  She smiled as she took in all the faces, “Now, before y’all decide to bombard me with questions, I want to let you know the good news.  Olivia is awake. However, she can only have a couple visitors and she has asked for her son and Mr. Rafael Barba?” She said as her eyes skimmed the room. 

 

Barba stood, holding a sleeping Noah.  He had told Olivia that she had been in a car accident but was okay because she was off fighting crime like Wonder Woman, “That’s us,” He answered. 

 

“Come with me,” Sabrina turned on her heel and lead the pair to the room.  Rafael gently woke Noah as they headed towards the room. He felt nervous. They had only been allowed verbal updates and he had only seen her once. The way he had seen her body damaged scared him.  He had wondered how okay she would be when she woke up. 

 

“Time to wake up nino.  Mommy is awake.” He murmured as he felt Noah stir in his arms. 

“Really?” He grumbled sleepily as he rubbed his eyes and stretched. 

 

“Yes.” He said, thanking Sabrina as he walked her and looked at Liv.  He was shocked to see her so alert. 

 

“Liv,” He breathed as Noah squirmed against him. 

 

“Noah,” She cried as she held her arms out. 

 

Barba set him down before he ran over and climbed into bed.  He snuggled into his Mom’s side, not seeing her wince, before he looked at her, “Eddie and I missed you! Promise that you won’t be Wonder Woman!” He pouted. 

 

Liv laughed through her tears as she kissed the top of his head, smelling his familiar scent, “I promise my sweet, sweet boy that Mommy won’t be going anywhere ever again without you!” She hugged him tighter to her body, ignoring the pain.  She ran her fingers through his beautiful hair before she gave him more kisses. She held him as he yawned loudly. 

 

Barba looked away, feeling as though he was intruding on a very intimate moment. He heard her murmuring to Noah before he climbed down and disappeared into her bathroom. 

 

“Rafa,” Liv said gently holding her hand out to him. She felt tears prick her eyes all over again as he stepped towards her.  He hesitantly took her hand. He wasn't sure how she would react to touch. That scared him.  

 

“I didn’t know if you were coming home.” 

 

“He threatened to kill Noah...I couldn’t…” Liv took a deep breath as she struggled to talk. Her tears burned underneath her eye lids as she heard the heart monitor speed up a little bit.   

 

“Whoa...whoa mi corazon.Deep breath.  Do not even think about that fucker. Okay? He is gone and can’t hurt you anymore!” Rafael fought with his emotions to not touch her too much because he didn't want to overwhelm her right now.

 

“Mommy...why are you sad?” Noah questioned as he tilted his head to the side. 

 

“I just missed you so much baby.  Come here. Do you want to watch a movie with Mommy?” She smiled. 

 

“Can we watch The Land Before Time?” He asked as he climbed back into bed with her. 

 

“We can watch whatever you want my sweet, sweet boy,” She smiled as she held him close. 

 

Sabrina gently knocked on the frame of her door, “I am sorry boys, I have to clean some wounds on Miss. Benson.  I need the room and she needs more rest.” 

 

“Do I really have to go Mommy?” Noah asked with wet eyes. 

 

“Yes baby.  I promise next time we can watch a movie.” She murmured before she breathed in his scent and kissed the top of his head even more. 

 

Sabrina looked to Olivia, “Maybe he could have a popsicle?” 

 

Olivia smiled as Noah instantly perked up, “Can I Mommy?” 

 

“Yes you can sweet boy,” She smiled, “Can I have a few more minutes with Mr. Barba?” She questioned hopefully. 

 

“Yes.  It will take me about ten minutes or so to get him a popsicle,” She answered with a wink as she took Noah’s head and lead him out of the room. 

 

Barba pulled the chair up to her bedside before he intertwined their fingers, “I was so fucking scared I would never get to see you again,” He murmured, kissing the back of her hand. 

 

Liv squeezed his hand tightly before she gently touched his cheek with her hand. She touched her forehead to his as she kept her eyes closed, “I fought because I couldn’t die without seeing you or Noah one last time,” She murmured.  

 

“I told Noah that you were away, fighting crime like Wonder Woman and that you couldn't call because you had bad cell reception. He is too young to know what a landline is,” He laughed bitterly. 

 

Liv tilted her chin up, looking him in the eye.  She wanted to remove the feeling of all the times that Lewis had shoved his tongue down her throat. She felt as though if Rafael had kissed her now though? She would throw up. She took a deep breath, shoving her feelings down wards. She looked away from his strong green eyes. She wanted to just go home. 

 

“Everyone is out there.” He said with a soft smile. 

 

“Everyone who?” She questioned. 

 

“Carisi, Tutuola, Munch, Rollins, Jesse, Noah, myself, my mom, and some P.I. named Stabler and his wife...I think her name was Cathy?” He blinked as he looked at her face, “Why do you look like I have just mentioned a ghost?” 

 

“Elliott Stabler?” She questioned slowly.  The name felt thick and foreign on her tongue. 

 

“Yeah…” He said slowly. 

 

“Grab the wheelchair.” She commanded as she pushed the blankets off. She pulled her IV bag off the hook and yanked off her heart monitor. 

 

“Liv. Do you think-” 

 

“Just do it Barba!” She snapped as she swung lower half from the bed, as she pivoted her upper half of the body upwards.  She was ignoring the amount of pain that she was in as she plopped herself into the chair. She felt an enormous amount of pain shooting through her rib cage.  “Go!” She commanded as he pushed her to the waiting room.  

 

She felt her breathing become shaky with anger as she felt impressed by how adrenaline could help her push herself.  She thought it had all been some sick dream. But she hadn’t dreamt it. She watched as everyone stood in the waiting room.  She registered everyone’s look of shock before her eyes landed on Elliott. 

 

“You son of a bitch!” She said slowly. 

 

“Olivia! What are you doing? Stop...you need to go back to your room and rest! Your nurse said that you could only see two people.” Elliott said as he stepped closer. 

 

“NO!” She screamed, “You don’t get to have this option to just show up with Cathy when you choose! You goddamn prick! I called you everyday for months on end just hoping that you would answer your fucking phone until you turned it off! Don’t you dare think that you can march in here like nothing bad went down between us!” She snapped. She could feel her hand shaking, but ignored it. 

 

Stabler swallowed, nodding his head, “You’re right.  I am sorry. Munch called me and said that you were in trouble and I came.  Liv, you were missing for almost twenty days.” 

 

Liv could feel the tears streaming down her face freely, but didn’t care.  She glanced at Cathy who had taken an interest in studying the tiles of the hospital floor. She looked back at him, “You answer Munch but you don’t answer me? We were partners for thirteen years.  How _dare_ you think that you can fucking do this! You threw our friendship into the toilet the day you chose not to answer my calls. I trusted you more than anyone I ever met before. I meant it when I said that I would do anything for you! You clearly didn’t feel the same way.” 

 

“Liv, I was-” 

 

“I don’t care.  Get out of here.  You and Cathy. I don’t want to see either one of you!” She snapped as she swiped at her face with the back of her hand. 

 

Elliott swallowed hard.  He knew that he fucked up the day he chose not to return her calls and he knew that he fucked up when he decided to stay and find out if she was okay.  He nodded his head. He dug into his pocket, and pulled out a business card as he held it out to her as he stepped forward, “Please call me if you want to talk. I hope you can give me a chance to explain,” He said softly. 

 

Liv smacked his hand away as she narrowed her eyes, “Fuck you,” She muttered as his business card fluttered to the floor.  

 

Elliott stared at the card, but turned, walking back to Cathy and took her hand before he left with her. A shocked, but heavy silence fell between everyone as they looked at each other, unsure of what to say. Liv focused on steading her breathing before she looked to Munch. 

 

“I think you should go too,” She fought to keep her voice even. Munch was the last person that she ever expected to be shocked by in this kind of manner.  She watched him leave without a word as Sabrina burst through the doors with Noah in tow. 

 

“Miss. Benson! You need to be back in your bed!” She chided as she walked towards her. 

 

“Take me back to my room then,” She muttered weakly as she shrunk further into her chair. She kept her eyes downwards before she disappeared back through the doors.  Barba bent down, picking up the card before he looked at Noah and everyone else. 

 

“Why don’t we all go home and get some rest?” Barba questioned gently. 


	16. Snapped Gloves

Melinda scanned his body, half covered by the regulated blue sheet before she tossed her gloves in the trash. Melinda had never wanted to stab a dead body with an instrument more.  She looked around and did a double glanced at the door. Melinda felt her eyebrow raise, but she smiled, “Stabler. Talk about long time no see,” He smiled as she walked over and gave him a brief hug before she punched him in the shoulder, “And that is for ignoring me.” 

 

Stabler winced, rubbing his shoulder, “Ow.  Since when did you get an arm on you?” 

 

“Since Liv encouraged me to take defense classes with her after the first time this creep took her,” She crossed her arms over her purple scrubs. 

 

Elliott cast his eyes downwards, rubbing the back of the neck, “I saw the case file,” He mumbled. 

 

“Where have you been?” She questioned as she turned away, putting some distance between them, “I am not saying this to guilt trip you, but when you left, it took Liv three months to even be able to pack your desk.  Give her time. When she does call, you better answer,” Melinda said firmly. 

 

“I will.  If she wants to talk.  You didn’t see how pissed she was in that waiting room.  I deserve the anger that she has for me. I just wish that Cathy hadn’t been there to see it. I wish that she hadn't of taken it out on Cathy. She didn't deserve it because Cathy was just respecting my wishes.” 

 

Melinda felt her eyebrows shoot upwards as she looked at him, “Since when did you become so...even?” She questioned as she struggled to find the right word.  

 

“Becoming a private investigator has calmed me down a lot,” He shrugged. 

 

Warner covered her mouth to help her bite back her laughter, “I…I...thought….that you hated those guys,” She snorted. 

 

Stabler pursed his lips, shrugging, “Well...you see, I judged way too early,” He smirked. 

 

Melinda reeled in her laughter, taking a couple extra deep breaths, “Okay, ok.” She fanned her face, “What can I do for you?” 

 

“I want to see the report.” He said and nodded towards Lewis’s body. 

 

“You know I can’t do that,” She sighed heavily, “You aren’t with the NYPD anymore,” She tilted her head as her eyes softened. 

 

“What can you tell me?” 

 

“Off the record. There won’t be a trial. Liv’s story matches my findings.  Accidental Death due to self defense on Liv’s part.” She stepped back towards her box of gloves, pulling out another pair, snapping them on before she turned back to him, “You better get going.  Novak is on her way and I won’t get in trouble for this,” She said gently. 

 

Stabler nodded as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, “Okay,” He said, “Melinda it really was good to see you,” He smiled as he headed towards the door. 

 

“Stabler,” She called after him, watching him turn, “Don’t you disappear again,” She articulated before she returned to her autopsy.  She took more photos, trying to lose herself in her work. After doing the evidence gathering off of Liv’s body, it had shook her to her core. She had dealt with life victims but she had never seen such a ravaged body she had just wanted to throw up the entire time. She had been happy that Liv was sedated when she was collecting evidence. 

 

She had felt her chest heaving when she had worked with her colleague to collect the evidence. Seeing every single cut, bruise, and crude burning she had to tamper her feelings down she so didn't cry. She remembered the bile that burned at the back of her throat when she had tested the rape kit that came back positive with his DNA. She felt her stomach churning now as she covered her mouth with her hand, turning away from Lewis's body.  

 

She walked back to her office, leaning over her desk and let herself finally cry.  She felt the heaviness leave her chest as her tears fell. She wanted so desperately to kill this fucker, but he was already on her slab and Olivia had put him there.  She felt her body stop shaking before she walked over to her sink, and splashed some water on her face before she wiped away her smeared makeup. 

 

She took a deep shaky breath before she turned and screamed, “Fucking hell Novak!” She clutched her chest before she calmed down. 

 

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to scare you.  I just came down to get your ruling before I decided what to do.  I...are you okay Melinda?” She asked gently as she stepped forward. In all the years that Casey had worked with Melinda, she had never seen her cry. Casey bit her bottom lip as she wondered what to do.  

 

Melinda started to nod, but stopped herself, “No,” She whispered, “Liv put up one hell of a fight.  She did a number to him in his last moments, but not like what he did to her. He hur...he hurt her so badly and medically speaking, her body is going to take a while to recover.  Mentally, I don’t know if she will ever be okay,” Her vision blurred as she looked down again. 

 

Casey stepped forward and pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back soothingly. Melinda took a deep breath as she hugged her back before, stepping back to look at her, “Liv had one hundred and seven cigarette burns in various forms of healing.  That is not counting the amounts of time he branded her, cut her, or bruised her. I can’t get those images out of my head,” She pressed the heel of her palm into her forehead. She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes. 

 

Melinda finally reeled in her emotions before she looked at Casey. Casey was waiting patiently for her, “Do you want a water or something?” 

 

“No, let’s just...let’s get this case closed,”  She pulled out a pair of gloves from the box on her desk before she walked towards his body, hearing Casey’s heel click beside her.  She grabbed Lewis’s jaw, moving it slightly pointing to a cut on his neck, “Liv got him as he lunged at her. The amount of alcohol and oxycodone in her system made her very weak.  This was more so his fault. His weight went forward and this blow was what killed him because she got the jugular." 

She grabbed his left arm, showing her the scratches and nail digs on his arm, “These are the scratches from Liv from when he was strangling her.  I am ruling this an accidental homicide. It was self defense. She put up a hell of a fight despite how weak she was. My guess is that adrenaline was on her side.” She dropped his arm before before tossing her gloves.  

 

“Please tell me that she got a lot more knocks in before he died.” Casey said as she crossed her arms over her chest.  She could feel the bile burning her throat. She could feel her stomach churning with the disgust. 

 

“Even if he survived, he would never have been able to have kids.  Liv had enough strength to rupture his testicles and ear drums. He died in pain and blind in the right eye.” She answered with a hint of pride in her voice.

 

Novak took a deep but shaky breath, “I am happy that he died in pain. I don’t care how horrible that sounds,” She gave a tight smile. 

 

“Yeah, no.  I understand that because I feel the same way. I also didn’t hear that,” She said softly and sighed deeply, “I am done.  I am moving him to cold storage. My ruling is final,” She started to push his body into one of the freezers.  

 

“Do you want to go out for a drink?” Casey asked as she grabbed her purse from the floor by Melinda’s office door. 

 

“Actually,” She said softly, “I would like that, a lot.”  

  
  



	17. Sweet Home Surprises

Liv kept most of her weight on her healthy foot as she waddled towards her apartment. She winced as she felt the crutches digging into her armpit. She stopped outside her door as she felt her stomach clenching from nerves. Barba gently squeezed her shoulder, “Only Fin, Rollins, Noah, Jesse, and Carisi are in there. He isn’t there,” he said tenderly.  

 

She nodded, “You’re right. I know you are,” She responded breathily. She gave him a tight smile before she finally turned the knob and pushed the door open. She smiled as she looked at her brightly decorated apartment.  

 

“Surprise!” Noah screamed as he threw a handful of confetti in the air.  He ran forward, hugging her around her knees. Liv ran his fingers through his hair. She couldn’t help but smile at everyone.  

 

“Hello my sweet boy,” She smiled before she leaned over and kissed the top of his head.  She looked up as everyone else grinned. Fin hit play on the radio, starting up the music. 

 

“It is time to celebrate Liv being home!” Fin smiled as he held his cup up. 

 

Liv laughed as she glanced towards the bathroom. She looked surprised as Lucy appeared from around the corner. She opened and closed her mouth but nothing came out.  She took a deep breath before she finally moved towards her, “Lucy...I...how are you?” She questioned as Lucy moved towards her as well. 

 

“Can I talk to you for a moment? Alone if you don’t mind?” Lucy asked gently. 

 

“I don’t mind one bit,” Olivia responded as she lead Lucy towards her bedroom.  Liv took a deep breath as she looked around her own bedroom. It felt surreal as she looked around.  She never thought that she would be here again. She lowered herself onto her bed and patted the seat next to her. A comfortable silence fell between them as Lucy sat next to her. 

 

Lucy took a deep breath before she started to speak, “When you told me that he was going to rape me, I swore I felt a piece of myself die a little bit inside.  But then all of a sudden there you were. Strong. I saw a side of you that I wanted to be in with myself. I mean...you tried to seduce him in order to save me. That is not something many people would do. You really changed my outlook on the way the law looks and works.  For me...that was the most traumatic day of my life. I know that you suffered worse than I did. I know that he hurt you. I can see it by the look in your eye,” She said softly before she took Liv’s hand in her own. 

 

“Lucy, I would do it all over again if it meant that you didn’t get hurt period. What you went through doesn't make it smaller because mine was different. Your pain is your pain and just because you think that it wasn't as bad as someone else's does not lessen your trauma. But tell me. How have you been?” Olivia asked softly. 

 

“Yes. Noah has helped with that,” She admitted, “And if you would like it, I would still like to be his nanny.” 

 

Liv pulled her into a tight a hug.  She soothingly rubbed her back and gave her a squeeze before she pulled away, “I would love that more than anything.” She smiled. 

 

“Good, because I wouldn’t have taken no as an answer!” She laughed, "Call me crazy...I know that it is an option to get a skin graft or scar removal, but I am keeping my scar. Not because those are insanely expensive options, but because it reminds me that I am stronger than I think I am." Lucy smiled at Liv gently.  

 

*** 

Liv smiled, assuring Lucy that it was okay that she left because Rafael was staying to help her tonight.  She ran her fingers through Noah’s hair repeatedly as her son slept peacefully against her. She waved to Lucy before she looked at Barba. Olivia couldn't help but smile at the way that little snores escaped Noah's mouth. She closed her eyes as she rested her head against the back of her couch. 

 

“I should call Munch...shouldn’t I?” 

 

“Not tonight,” He said softly. 

 

“Obviously,” Olivia picked her head up, rolling her eyes at Rafael, but smiling. 

 

“Yes, yes you should.  I know you reacted out of anger, but think about it this way.  If he hadn’t called Stabler in, God knows if you would have been found in time.  They were headed to the wrong house,” He said gently before he kissed the top of her head. 

 

Liv looked away not wanting to think about what would have happened if she hand't been found in time.  She was still stubborn in the same way. She took a deep breath as she watched him crouch in front of her, “Hey...I am going to get Noah to bed.  Why don’t you go get comfortable and I will get meet you there after I put the food away?” 

 

“Sounds good,” She murmured as she looked away.  She waited until he disappeared around the corner before she pulled herself up and hobbled to her bedroom.  She pulled open the drawer and ran her fingers over her clothes. Everything felt so wrong. She slid out of her yoga pants and panties before her top and bra joined the rest of her clothes.  She grabbed her silky black slip and pulled on a pair of red lacy panties. She sat on the bed, staring at her arms. She could still smell her flesh being burned before Lewis would force himself inside of of her. 

She squeezed her eyes shut as she focused on her breathing.  She was struggling to pull herself into the moment. She focused on her breathing as she felt her lungs expand and deflate.  She looked up as she heard her door open, “Liv,” Rafael breathed as he looked at her. 

 

“Come here,” She murmured as she stood, holding onto the bed post.  She moved her hair out of her face. She stood, but kept her weight on her left foot. She watched as Rafael walked towards her, standing in front of her.  He slid his hands onto her shoulders before he ran his hands down her arms and intertwined their fingers. 

 

Liv lifted herself up, disentangling their fingers before she threaded her fingers through his hair and pressed her lips to his.  She felt his hesitance and pulled back and looked at him, “What’s wrong?” She whispered. 

 

“Are you sure?” He asked softly as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. 

 

Liv searched his face before she grabbed his shirt and pressed her lips to his neck, “Please.  I need you.” She whispered as she dropped her head against his shoulder. 

 

He tilted her chin up and looked at her, “You are still a beautiful, strong, independent woman.  My feelings for you didn’t change. I still love you so much. I will do anything and everything to help you feel safe.” He murmured before he slid his fingers behind her neck. 

 

He slid his other arm around her waist before he pulled her close, “I know this won’t help in the long run, but I am here for everything.” He said softly.  

 

He pulled her close, kissing her gently.  Liv melted against his body as she wrapped her arms around him.  He kissed her harder as his hands pushed the straps down on her slip.  He gently guided her backwards as she sat atop his hips. She looked at him as he pulled  his sweater off. Rafael ran his hands down her back and under her slip. 

 

He felt all the new raised, intedented, and scabbed over skin.  Liv curled over him, kissing him deeply. She could taste numerous flavors on his tongue. The cheese, the wine, the bourbon. Everything.  She wanted to feel him around her and inside of her. His soft caress. His soft lips. His soft moves.  She pressed her hips down, feeling his lust. She could feel the pain radiating around her hip wound from the stitches.  She was supposed to get them removed tomorrow. 

 

Her fingers found the button on his jeans as his fingers dropped her slip onto the floor.  He sat up slightly, as his he held her body to his, kissing her deeper. Liv felt a cold chill run down her spine.  She felt her hips banging against the wooden table. Not her boyfriend’s body. Her nose felt assaulted by the smell of burnt flesh and stale sex.  

 

She didn’t even realize she was crying or pushing Rafael away.  She felt herself shaking before she felt herself being pulled out of that house.  She heard Barba’s low, calm, steady voice as he pulled the blanket over her, “Shhhh.” He reached over, grabbing his sweater and slid it over her head.  He cupped her face after turning the lamp on. 

 

“Liv, look at me.  Look at me,” He said firmly before he saw her eyes focus back on him. 

Liv felt her breathing slow down wondering when it even had sped up.  She felt her tears on her cheeks as she looked at him, “He raped me,” She whispered thickly. 

 

Barba felt the the shock spread through his body as he wiped at her tears, “Liv, oh my god,” He pulled her tightly to his body.  He felt her shaking against his body as he wiped at her tears. He kissed her forehead and rocked her softly. 

 

Liv felt her body get tired.  She didn’t know how long she had cried before she finally pulled back and looked at Barba.  She glanced downwards, “I fought the first time...that only made it worse...I…” Liv covered her face as she struggled to breathe. 

 

“Olivia.  You do not have to tell me everything now.  You haven’t even seen your therapist yet. I need you to focus on breathing,” Barba said gently as he cupped her face.  He rubbed the pads of his thumbs over her cheeks repeatedly. He could feel her body shaking against his. 

 

Rafael felt his anger grow as she tucked herself against the body, “I just wanted to feel something other than him inside of me,” She mumbled as she cried harder. 

 

Barba wrapped himself around her.  He gently hummed a song that his abuelita would sing to him whenever he had, had a nightmare as a kid. It always made things better.  He kissed her forehead as he soothed her. He felt her coil her body tighter into him as her crying subsided. 

 

“I will do everything in my power to help you feel better.  I will do anything to make you feel safe. I will do anything that you need me to.  Okay?” He questioned softly. 

 

Liv focused on her breathing as she felt his arms tighten around him, “Please...stay tonight.” 

 

“Okay,” He said softly as he slid under the sheets with her. 

 

***

 

Rafael woke up before Liv.  He slid out from underneath the sheets, careful not to wake her as he let her sleep. Rafael grabbed one of his extra shirts, sliding it on, before he headed to the kitchen to get Noah's day started. He quietly closed the door behind himself as he went into Noah’s room, getting him ready for the day.  He knew that Liv might want to do this but he wanted to let her sleep. He knew that she was exhausted and after last night, he knew that she needed a shower.  He went through their motions, keeping quiet so he wouldn't wake up Liv as the coffee brewed. 

 

He let Noah wear his favorite shirt, making him promise not to spill anything on his button down.  He couldn’t help but notice how quickly the kid had picked up on his quirks and imitated them. He caught himself grinning as he served up the oatmeal.  It had taken him what felt like a hundred tries before he had gotten it right. He looked up as he heard Liv hobbling out. 

 

The crutches smacked against the floor crudely, as Liv came closer to her, “Look at you Noah! You look like a mini Uncle Rafa,” She grinned. 

 

“Mommy!” Noah squealed in delight as he jumped out of his chair, nearly running towards her before he came to a sudden halt, and smoothed out his black button down shirt, “Uncle Rafa said I am smooooth!” He grinned toothily as he drew the O out. 

 

“That’s because you are,” She laughed as she looked up at Barba, thanking her with her eyes.  She leaned down, struggling slightly, but kissing the top of his head, “Oh sweet boy you make mommy so happy,” She said. 

 

“Mommy, can I stay home tomorrow? I want to spend a day with you and Uncle Rafa!” 

 

“Sweet boy, I would love nothing more,” She murmured, “Now go finish breakfast and Uncle Rafa and I are going to walk you to school,” She firmly stated before she joined Noah at the breakfast table.  She listened to Noah chatter happily, as she gratefully accepted the cup of coffee that Barba had prepped for her, mouthing her thank you. 

 

\----

 

Barba matched her pace, walking along her slowly, “I know I let you sleep in, but I figured you would need it.” He said softly, glancing at her to read her expression. 

 

“I needed the sleep and I appreciate it...how did Noah become so...you?” She quipped, focusing on not hitting anything with her crutches. 

 

“I took care of him while you were gone.  Lucy helped, which let me add that she is a godsend because Noah is stubborn as hell when it comes to his oatmeal and sundaes.” He grinned with a slight chuckle. 

 

“I lucked out with her.  Can we stop somewhere? I feel so tired.” She admitted. 

 

“Will you take a cab the rest of the way home?” Rafael quipped. 

 

“Yes,” Liv sighed. 

 

Barba found a cafe, pulling out a chair for her, “Iced tea?” 

 

“Perfect,” She nodded before he disappeared into the corner cafe.  She grabbed a few napkins, dabbing away the sweat that was breaking out across her forehead.  She knew that her doctor had told her to take it easy. That her body was still weak, but she refused to let Lewis still have control of her life post mortem, “Thanks,” She smiled up at him before he seated himself across from her. 

 

Barba took a deep breath, opening and closing his mouth, struggling to find the right words as he twisted his coffee cup between his open palms.  He glanced at Liv before he looked back down at his cup. 

 

“Just spit it out Barba,” She grinned. 

 

“I want you and Noah to move in with me.  I disclosed to Fin. He did the right thing and I got myself transferred to Brooklyn SVU,” He said gently. He watched Liv’s expression as he waited for a response. 

 

“You disclosed,” She stated as she finally looked at him. 

 

“I had to.  I couldn’t risk it if Lewis was going to trial and the case being jeopardized if I was a part of the investigation.” He stated plainly, "My boss and Fin are the only two that know." 

 

Liv felt her chest tighten as she fought to breathe. Olivia felt as though she was punched in the gut. This was one of the rare times that she wished that he wasn’t so blunt and honest. She took a sip of her tea, playing with the condensation that was forming on her glass, “I can’t move in with you. Noah doesn’t even know what we are. He calls you Uncle for fucksake.” She watched as Barba’s nostrils flared but he said nothing. 

 

“Okay,” He said softly staring at the table hard. 

 

“Not only that, but damn it, finding out in one sentence that I lost the best prosecutor that I ever had?! Barba, this isn’t going to make my job easier when I return to work!” She snapped angrily, “You have no idea how much I want to get up and storm away,” She heaved. 

 

“You seriously are thinking about work? Liv, slow down! Spend time with Noah, listen to the doctors, and for God sake, take care of yourself!” He exclaimed. 

 

Liv felt anger surge into her veins as she looked at him, “Do. No. Tell. Me. To. Slow. Down.” She snapped with short staccato words, “In the span of almost twenty days, Lewis took away my consent.  He took me away from my son. He took away sense of self worth. My job. My son. They are what pushed me. They’re what gave me the strength to fight and get the hell out of there!” She said thickly.  She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes. She squeezed them shut, pinching the bridge of her nose. She could feel Barba’s eyes on her. She knew that he wanted to say something. She knew that his restraint was better than hers.  She wasn’t shocked by this. Olivia also felt the guilt settle into the pit of her stomach. 

 

She felt her nostrils flare as she took a deep breath, tampering down her emotions as she struggled not to cry in public.  She knew that she had overreacted and knew that he meant well, but she was so pissed, “I want to go home,” She muttered, as she opened her eyes.  She avoided eye contact with him, but heard his chair scrape against the pavement. 

 

She glanced at him, standing near the edge and saw how tense his shoulders were.  She felt like the world’s biggest asshole. She knew how patient he was being. Just the mere thought that he had been the one to take care of Noah while he was gone, warmed her soul.  She gulped the rest of her tea down, before she reached for her crutches and hobbled towards the cab that Rafael had hailed. 

 

Barba helped her in, before he came around the other side, folding himself into the cab as well.  He had left his cup of coffee on the table, but didn’t care. He was lost in thought and needed to breathe.  She could feel the tension in the air in the short cab ride back. She watched as Barba paid for the cab before she could even protest.  She wanted to hit him.

 

Liv moved as fast as she could to get to her apartment.  She knew how bad she had hurt him and felt the guilt building in the pit of her stomach.  She took a deep breath, as she finally got settled on her couch. 

 

“Barba-” 

 

“No,” He cut her off, holding up his hand, “You are pissed off and you have every right to be.  Use me as a punching bag all you want because lord knows you need one. But I am not him. I am not Lewis.  I will not take from you. I will not hurt you. Every choice that I have made since the night we have kissed is for you and for Noah.  Don’t move in, fine. But you will have my help. You will have my support. You will have my love. You will have the love from your squad.  They know you made it through this once, and you can do it again. They don’t see you as a victim but as a hero. Because you fought. You should have been destroyed.  You should be dead. But you aren’t. You are still here. You are here for a reason. If it was Noah that got your through, or your job, then good. I won’t let you give up now.  I refuse. I am not going to let you push me away because that is what you want to do. I will be here for every single doctors appointment. I will be here for every single up and every single down.  Lewis doesn’t get to tear you away from me for a third time,” Barba’s chest heaved as though he had just gotten done running a marathon as his eyes shone with the intensity of his emotions. 

Liv just stared at him.  She had flinched when he said that she should be dead but she knew that he was right.  She took a deep shaky breath. She had never heard him speak so strongly about something including all the times in the courtroom.  She felt herself deflating as she reached out to him. She watched as he sat next to her. She buried face into his neck as her body started to shake from how hard she was crying.  She didn’t know how long she had been crying. All she could feel was Barba’s arms holding her tightly and saying that she didn’t have to go through this alone. 

 

She slowly pulled away, casting her gaze downwards before she felt tissues being stuffed into her hand.  She cleaned herself as the silence only grew louder. She heard Rafael inhale before he spoke. 

 

“I forgot my coffee.” 

 

Liv couldn’t help but give him a shaky laugh, “You would be concerned about your damn coffee.” 

 

He looked at her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, gently kissing her forward, “Lets just take this day by day. Okay?” He murmured. 

 

“Okay.” 


	18. Scratching at Scabs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of the love and support that y'all have been giving me! I really hope that you guys enjoy this and that this chapter is something that you really like! <3

Liv sat across from Dr. Lindstrom.  She knew that he had cancelled other appointments to have a long session with her and the guilt sat in the pit of her stomach. The silence weighed so heavily on her ears that if she heard the clock tick one ore time, she was going throw her crutch at the clock. She took a deep breath, feeling some of the tension leave her lungs as she focused her attention onto her therapist, “I don’t know where to start,” She finally admitted as she leaned back in her chair staring at the bookshelf behind his head.  She took a deep breath again and winced as she felt pain shoot up her leg.

 

“There is no pressure as to where to start.  If I were in your shoes….I honestly don’t know where I would start either.  I mean, here you are. Sitting in front of me after nearly twenty days of abuse.  Why don’t we start small? What kept you going?” He folded his hands together in his lap. 

 

“Two things,” Liv smiled, as she looked down at a fading bruise on her arm, “Having the chance to see Noah smile and laugh...and Rafael Barba.” She murmured. 

 

“Rafael Barba?” He questioned. 

 

“I had been seeing him since before I left. Just like how it was with Brian….but….this time it’s different.” 

 

“Different how?” He prodded gently. 

 

“After the first time….I had sex with Brian to bury my pain. I tried to do that with Rafael and he saw right through it.  He didn’t make me. He held me as I cried and he dressed me and we slept then get got Noah ready in the morning.” 

 

“Make you?” He quipped as he pulled his glasses off, looking at her with kind eyes, “Did Brian make you?” 

 

“No...Brian? Could never.  He isn’t that kind of person,” Liv took a deep breath, “Basically, what I mean is that Rafa saw that I was hurting emotionally and didn’t let me bury my feelings,”She tucked a strand of hair behind her ears as she looked at him. She squeezed her hands. Olivia knew that if she could just keep being direct than this time wouldn't go to waste. Olivia wanted to get up and walk but it wasn't the same with crutches. She pulled her sleeve down slightly as she covered the date. 

 

“What happened to you when he had you Liv?” Peter questioned softly. He leaned forward, waiting patiently for her answer. 

 

Liv licked her lips, feeling how dry her throat had gotten.  Olivia could feel the words right behind her teeth. She knew that she could say the sentence. Olivia had disclosed to Melinda, and to Rafael. She had to tell the details as they took her statement.  Olivia had felt the pain in her soul as she had to explain how she received every single cut, burn, and bruise. 

 

She remembered the relief she had felt when she was told that she didn’t have any sexually transmitted infections, but remembered how hard it had been to swallow the pills in case she might have been infected with HIV. Olivia was happy that she didn’t have to take the pregnancy pill for the simple fact that she couldn’t have children anymore.  She took a deep breath as she realized that Peter was trying to pull her attention back. 

 

“Are you ok Olivia? Do you need a moment?” 

 

“No, I am...I’m not okay, but I need to talk about it.” 

 

“About what?” 

 

“Every victim that I have seen...I always tell them to repeat their story.  To tell it so many times that it no longer has any power over them. I tell them to tell their story so that they can show themselves that the trauma doesn’t have power over them. I just…” Olivia took a deep breath, forcing the air out between her lips. 

 

“Just what?” 

 

“I was raped,” Her voice cracked on the last word, “Numerous times, and in every way possible,” She croaked before she folded in on herself, feeling all of the shame as well as feeling the physical pain all over her body. She felt as though she had ripped open every single scab on her body. Olivia covered her mouth as the room blurred before her. Olivia bit her lip as she felt her shoulders shake. 

 

Peter sat silently in his chair, moving only to hand her tissues. 

 

“Do you know what the most fucked up thing is? I know that it’s good to talk about trauma. To get the pain out of your body.  To really breathe so that way it doesn’t fester like a boil on your skin until you explode cause you can’t take the pain,” She stopped only to take a deep breath, “But my mom? Any time I tried to talk to her about the past, she told me to stop picking at the scabs or I would never heal.” 

 

“Sometimes the best healing you can do is rip off the scab so that way the cut has a chance to heal and allow your body to be infected only to show itself that it is strong enough and can survive anything thrown its way.” He said softly. 

 

Olivia felt her nostrils flare as she took a deep breath before she caught his eye contact, “I was raped.  I didn’t give him my consent. I fought the best that I could. The...the first time that he took my body, it was vaginally.  The second time….he...he raped me anally. In his own words, he saved the best hole for last. My mouth.” She flicked her eyes downwards. She remembered the last time that she felt this vulnerable. It was the first time he got to her.  

 

Peter sat calmly, letting her soak in what she had just said. He was calm and knew to tread lightly, “What would you tell one of your survivors?” He asked gently. 

 

“I would uhm tell them that what happened to them is not their fault.  That they did what they needed to survive. That they do not need the bear the burden of their attackers shame. I would tell them that I hear them and I believe them. I would tell them that I am sorry that this happened to them.” 

 

“Have you been doing that for yourself?” 

 

Olivia pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she shook her head.  She knew that she was being super hard on herself. But she knew all this.  She knew how to fight. She knew how to defend herself. She had lost count of how many self defense classes she had taken after the first time Lewis had gotten to her. She took a deep breath, “No,” She finally said out loud. 

 

“Okay. Why do you think that you are struggling with this so much?” He questioned as he leaned back in his chair, crossing one leg over the other. 

 

She took a deep breath.  She knew the answer she wanted to give, but instead she dropped her head into her hand.  She could feel her eyes burning with tears and didn’t care with the fact that she was crying again.  “Because I have the badge,” She answered thickly, “How am I supposed to protect them if I can’t even begin to protect myself?” She swallowed thickly.  Struggling to continue, “I mean...I know how to fight, how to use a gun, and how to protect. How do I  _ protect _ when I can’t  _ save myself _ ?”

 

Peter leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, “What was your condition?” He asked softly. 

 

“Condition?” 

 

“How strong was your body?” 

 

“I was...I was basically ingesting nothing but alcohol and a variety of pills.” She answered slowly, but clearer. She knew this.  She knew all of this but somehow this felt more...logical as it came out of her mouth. 

 

“What would have happened if he hadn’t of caught you by surprise and you were ingesting real food and you were at your normal strength?” 

 

“He wouldn’t have had me for almost twenty days.” 

 

“Exactly. You weren’t at your normal strength.  Don’t doubt your abilities based on a person that was a third of who you normally are.  Do you understand that? You are stronger than that. You are more than the person that was in that room when he had you. Tell me how you think about yourself before William Lewis came into the picture.” 

 

Olivia looked at him.  She could feel the conflicting emotions inside of her.  She knew that she was in pain and she knew that this was going to take some time but she also knew that she was going to have to rip open a lot of scabs, “A lot of things. But you are right. If I hadn’t been ingesting so many pills and so much alcohol, I would have returned back to my son so much sooner.” 

 

“Exactly. What happened to you is horrific.  I can only begin to understand how hard it was for you to share that with me.  But I want nothing more than to see you happy again. I want to see you strong and healthy and you feeling confident in yourself again. Now it’s going to be a hard question,” He said softly. 

 

“Ok,” She said and waved her hand towards him. 

 

“What is making you fight for every single day since you have come back home?” 

 

“Noah,” She answered automatically. 

 

“Besides Noah?” He prodded, "Take a moment to think. If you had never adopted Noah, then why would you still be fighting?" 

 

She bit her lip, looking at the foot cast that had been drawn all over by Noah. She studied the lopsided heart and the crooked smile on a smiley face.It brought a smile to her own face, “Love,” She whispered. She felt shock enter her body.  That was not an answer that she was expecting to come out of her mouth. 

 

“Love from who?” 

 

“Rafael,” She said softly. 

 

“What do you think he is going to help you with?” 

 

“Giving me the emotional support that I need as well as his love.” The room appeared watery behind unshed tears. 

 

“Is returning to work the main goal as this time as well?” He asked softly. 

 

Olivia took a deep breath, feeling the way her lungs expanded as she looked at him, she looked at Peter’s face.  Calm and relaxed and ever waiting for her answer, “I...I don’t know,” She answered honestly, holding his eye contact. 


	19. Pacing Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry that I am late in posting! It has been a chaotic week! I have been having a crazy good week at work! Hope y'all enjoy!

_ Four Months Later _

 

Liv jiggled her leg up and down.  She had finally listened to Rafael, and called Elliott. She had talked to her therapist about this and of course he had agreed with Rafael. She knew that closure was important.  Closure was exactly what she was doing. She drummed her fingers against the top of the table as she scanned the crowd again, looking for him. She was grateful to have Rafael and her Squad as a support system.  But most of all she was just happy to have Noah back in her arms. Olivia bit her lip, sighing deeply as she thought about what she was going to say to him. 

Olivia took a sip of her wine, tasting all of it as she spread over her tongue. She twisted the wine glass between her thumb and forefinger. Olivia closed her eyes, rubbing her temple. She could feel pain starting in her foot and she wanted to go home, but Olivia knew that she had to do this. She looked up, scanning the crowd as she saw him walk in through the door, before spotting her and heading towards her. Olivia leaned back, into the booth, feeling a bit of shock that she didn't feel anything for him anymore. Her eyes followed him as he sat down across from her. 

“How are you?” Elliott asked gently as he thrummed his fingers against the table. 

 

“Thank you for coming,” She said at the same time.  Olivia shifted in her seat, feeling an uncomfortable tension between them. 

 

“What can I get you sir?” 

 

“Coffee, please." Elliot cleared his throat. He could feel the strain between them and wished that he could do more to ease that. Elliott knew that he screwed up, but a small part of him hoped that their friendship would salvageable. “Let’s try this again? How are you?” He adjusted his tie by loosening it.

 

Olivia raked her teeth over her lower lip before she looked at him, “Better,” She answered honestly, “You?” She took a long sip of her wine.  Everything felt off. The last time that they had talked, was her screaming at Elliott to leave with Cathy. She felt guilty for her emotional knee jerk reaction to them, but at the same time, she wasn't sorry for it. 

 

“Okay.  I mean...things are how they are.” Elliott shrugged. 

 

Liv nodded looking at him before looking away.  She had, had everything planned out, but now it seemed as though the words were stuck in her throat.  She took a sip of her wine as the waitress set his hot mug of coffee down with sugar and cream, “Thank you for coming.” 

 

“I owe it to you Olivia.” He responded gently. 

 

“Why didn’t you return my phone calls? Why did you just leave me without a goodbye? I mean...I chalked some of it up to the fact that you were dealing with the fact that you had to shoot a teenager, but you could have talked to me,” She said seriously, “Did I mean that little to you?” 

 

Elliott sighed deeply as he massaged the back of his neck, “You’re right. I shouldn’t have just left everything in your lap the way that I did.  I am so sorry for hurting you. That was not something that I ever intended. I hope that you know that. You still are one of the few people that I still love and trust besides Cathy.I hope you know that.” He said gently. 

 

“Then why couldn’t you just pick up the phone? I mean...Munch was able to get a hold of you. But me? I lost my best friend. Do you understand that? Cragen had me pack up your desk. I don't know if you don't understand or what, but I am struggling to understand your why. You are sitting here, telling me that you hope I know that you love and trust me. But I don't love and trust you because you broke our trust. I lost people who felt like family when you chose to stop talking to me. You took more than just you out of my life.” Olivia swallowed down the rest of the wine in her glass before looking at Elliot again. She felt as though she barely knew the person sitting across from her because he had grown so....emotionally healthy. 

 

“Because I had to give you space because I know that you loved me. You never wanted to admit. In a way, I loved you too, but not in the way that you wanted it. As time went on, I wasn’t sure if you even wanted to see me. Eventually your calls stopped so I figured that you were okay.  Cragen told me that you were ok and that he was enjoying watching you grow as a person. That was not something that I could live with because I wanted you to be okay. I wanted you to see that you could survive without me. I mean, look at you now! You’re a lieutenant. You have a son. A loving boyfriend. Could you have honestly achieved any of that with me by your side? I held you back.” Elliot felt good that he was getting all of it off of his chest, but at the same time, it hurt to admit some of it. 

 

Olivia felt anger coursing through her as she tucked her hand under her thigh, wishing she had more wine, "I did love you Elliot. At the same time, I knew that you love Cathy more than you could ever possibly love me. I did grow.  A lot, but at the same time, you chose to walk out of my life. That doesn't mean that you get to still keep tabs on my life. I am going to be honest with you. I don't know if I will trust you again. I don't know if I will ever want you fully back in my life, but I do appreciate your effort." 

Elliot felt his jaw twitch, as he nodded, "I don't expect you to just let me back in. I don't deserve it. Cathy...she told me I shouldn't have gone about the way that I did, and I am sorry that I tore a family from you in a way. I am sorry that I hurt you. I just hope that maybe one day we can be friends again. I mean...I would love to officially meet Noah and plus, Maureen is pregnant and married. I would love for you to meet her husband." 

 

“No.” Olivia said softly.   
  


“No what?”  
  


“No, you are right.  I would have kept holding myself back. I would have done anything just to stay as your partner.” She said softly she stared into her empty glass.  She didn’t want to make eye contact because she knew that her heart would break. 

 

“Olivia,” He said softly. 

 

She took a deep breath as she finally looked up, “El...I-” 

 

“Liv,” He covered her hand with his.  He was happy to see her all healed up, off of crutches and looking healthy, “I am so proud of you.  This is where you have ended up. You have a family, and a great job, and not only that but you have a boyfriend,” Elliott laughed tightly on the last word, clearing his throat before he continued, “You have everything that you wanted. Do you understand that?” 

 

“I do.” She turned her hand upwards, grasping his hand, “When we are on a more better footing around each other, you should meet Noah,” She said softly, “Not in a hospital waiting room either.”  

 

“I would love that. Cathy has been missing you. So has the girls.” He admitted softly.  

 

“Ya know, that’s what really pissed me off,” She scowled slightly, “The fact that you took Cathy away from me!” 

 

“I always knew that you were in love with her,” He joked lightly as he felt some of the tension go away. 

 

“Elliott...I was really mad in the hospital.  I hope that you know that. I won’t be trusting you.  Not for a while, but I think that is fair. But how about this? I would really love for you and Cathy and the kids to have dinner with Noah, Rafa, and I.” 

 

“I would really like that.” 

 

“What do you do now?” Liv quipped as she lifted her refreshed wine glass towards her lips. 

 

“I am actually a private investigator,” He shrugged, finishing his coffee off. 

 

Olivia felt the alcohol burn her nose as she felt her body shaking from her laughter, “You...Elliott Stabler are a private investigator?!” She gasped, setting her wine glass down. 

 

“What is so funny about that?” He scowled as his eyebrows knitted together in his normal fashion. He watched as she wiped some of the droplets of wine off of her cheek. 

 

“You  _ hate _ private detectives!” 

 

“Not until I became one,” He shrugged, “Plus I get paid more!” 

 

She nodded as she signaled for a menu, “Would you like more coffee? I am actually kind of hungry."

 

“Actually, seeing as how this is going better than I thought, I think that I will get some scotch.  I would love to talk to you some more and really catch up.” 

 

***

Liv hung up her coat as she watched the way that Rafa moved around the kitchen.  She took off her shoes, leaving them by the door before she took a seat at the breakfast bar, “Is Noah asleep?”

 

“Passed out cold,”He smiled as he slid a sundae in front of her, just the way that she liked it.  

 

She couldn’t help but feel her heart flutter, “Thank you Rafa,” She smiled. She scooped some of the chocolate ice cream into her mouth as she enjoyed the generous amounts of whip cream that he gave her. 

 

“For what?” He leaned over the breakfast bar, kissing some of the whip cream off of her upper lip. 

 

“Mmm, is that on the dessert menu too?” Olivia tilted her head slightly. She smiled at him. Olivia was happier that they were finally back to a more comfortable point where she wasn't flinching every time that they touched.

 

She watched as he dipped his finger into the cream, smearing a bit on his lips before he leaned over the bar. She felt him cup the back of her neck before he pulled her into a kiss.  She felt her breath catch as she kissed him back. She held his shoulder before she slowly pulled away, smiling, “That was a good hello.” 

 

“How did the drinks go?” He stood across from her, helping her eat her sundae. 

 

“A lot better than what I thought it would go,” Olivia admitted softly. 

 

“I am happy to hear that.” Rafael smiled before he glanced at his watch, “I should get going soon.” 

 

Liv grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers, “Stay tonight?” 

 

“I can do that,” He smiled. 

 

“Why don’t you...help me finish my sundae in bed?” Olivia asked slowly, looking at him under her lashes. Olivia swore she could still get lost in his beautiful green eyes. 

 

Rafael walked around the breakfast bar, gently pulling her up from her seat, pressing her against the wall, “Are you sure?” He asked evenly, searching her face for any sign of hesitance. 

 

Liv ran her fingers though his hair, smiling, “You have been so patient and loving.  You haven’t forced me to do anything in bed that I haven’t wanted to do. You have done nothing but given me emotional support and helped with Noah and you have pulled me out of my head when I have needed it.  Rafa...I don’t know if I would have made it through this time without you,” She murmured and squeezed his shoulders, “I just don’t know where I would have been.” 

 

“Liv, do not give me all the credit.  Any time that I tried to push you out of your comfort zone, you have fought me every step of the way.  You are still the same spitfire determination. That never left you. Don’t you know that? You have still been you,” He smiled, resting his hands on her hips, “You just needed some reminding,” Rafael cocked his head slightly as he looked into her eyes. 

 

Olivia ran her fingers through his hair, pulling him into a soft sweet kiss, “You were the one to remind me and I thank you for that,” She said softly. 

 

“Mmm, are you sure that you want me to stay tonight?” Rafael asked again. His hands squeezed her hips as he searched for any sign of hesitance in her eyes. 

 

She took a deep breath, “I just want you to sleep with me.  Sleep. That’s it,” Olivia answered softly. 

 

He smiled, “I would love to hold you all night long,” Rafael murmured as he gently kissed her. 

 

“Mm I love you,” She murmured before she felt her eyes widen and push Rafael away to arms length as she looked at his mirrored expression of shock. Olivia watched the way as his mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. 

 

“What?” He whispered.  He had expected a kiss on the mouth and then to be sent away, but this was not what he had been expecting. 

 

“I...I love you,” Liv said again, as her eyes brimmed with tears, “I love you!” She pulled him close, hugging him tightly.  She ran her fingers over the back of his head, feeling his soft hair beneath her fingers. 

 

“I love you too.” Rafael responded as he kissed her forehead and held her tightly. 


	20. Doing The Required Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I forgot to post! The next chapter will be posted either Thursday or Friday. I hope that y'all are enjoying everything that you have read and I am feeling a bitter sweetness as this is coming towards the end!

**** Liv shook her hands out, trying to get some of her stress out.  She knew that this was going to be the day where it was decided if she was going to be coming back or not.  Melinda had concluded that his death was an accidental homicide. Liv wasn’t surprised about that. She stood and started to pace in front of the small row of chairs.  She knew that it looked bad, but she was looking forward to returning to work. She remembered the first time that she had to go through this. It was not something that was fun. 

 

She sat back down, running her hands up and down her thighs.  She closed her eyes, thinking of Noah and thinking of Lucy. She was so happy that Lucy was doing better. She was happy that Lewis hadn’t been able to hurt her. She took a deep breath and leaned back into the chair, staring at the ceiling. Olivia still couldn’t get the look of Rafael’s face out of her head after she had told him that she loved him. Olivia took a deep, shaky breath before she leaned backwards, letting her head rest against the wall. 

 

“Lieutenant Benson?” A soothing voice said. Jessica, Dodds’ assistant stood in front of her. 

 

“Mm, yes?” Accepting the cup of coffee. 

 

“Chief Dodds sends his apologies. He is currently stuck on a conference call. He said that you can come back at noon unless you want to wait here,” Jessica smiled gently. 

 

Olivia looked into the bitter black liquid before she handed it back to her, “Thank you Jessica. I really appreciate the coffee offer. However,” Liv stood as she hoisted her purse onto her shoulder, “I will return at noon.” She said as she started to walk away. 

 

“Olivia?” Jessica called after her. 

 

She stopped walked and looked at Jessica, “Yeah?” 

 

“I am really happy to have you back,” She divulged before adding, “I don’t think that I would be where I am today if you hadn’t of helped me.” 

 

Olivia walked back towards her,setting her coffee on a chair before she hugged her, “Trust me, you got here with all of your hard work.  I only pushed you to fight for yourself.” She said softly. 

 

Jessica squeezed her tighter, before stepping back, “I have missed you giving the good old boys hell,” She admitted with a shrug. 

 

“You know I love giving hell,” She grinned as she squeezed her hand, admiring the way their skin tones contrasted briefly before heading for the door. 

She stepped into the sunshine, breathing deeply as she looked at the way that people moved with purpose.  Olivia remembered how she was like that in her twenties. Determined and hopeful and without bruises. Olivia pulled her sleeve back.  It was only ten thirty and she could feel herself itching for a glass of wine, but headed towards her favorite bakery that was close by instead. 

She took a deep breath ran her fingers through her hair as she glanced around, wondering how the hell she was going to manage to kill time until noon. She could feel her fist clench and unclench as she tried to figure out what to do with her time now. Olivia accepted her raspberry oat bar before she heard her phone ringing, “Benson.”

 

“Hey, it’s Fin.  I was just calling to see how you are doing.  You’re done with your meeting?” He questioned as he leaned back in his chair. 

 

“I wish!” She scoffed, “Dodds conveniently got stuck on a conference call,” She rolled her eyes before taking a cautious sip of her coffee. 

 

“How easy for him,” He scowled, “Listen, I don’t want you to be nervous. Your therapist cleared you. You passed PT with flying colors and I am pretty sure that you and Noah are sick of each other,” He laughed as he cast his eyes around the squad room. 

 

“I know...that is what I am not nervous about….I am nervous with the fact if Dodds has his own agenda.” She admitted as she sat down on a random bench. 

 

“I wouldn’t worry about that. SVU wouldn’t be the same without you here.  With the way we close cases, there is no way he would have you transferred. You don’t have to worry about that. You got me looking out for your back,” He answered smoothly. 

 

“Do I want to know Tutuola?” 

 

“Just know you are protected.” He laughed lightly, “Listen, we are going to Forlini’s tonight. Why don’t you join us? It will be like having the old gang back. When was the last time that you went to Forlini’s?” 

 

Liv took a sip of her coffee, “Mmm….I don’t know. I can’t remember. I am sure that Lucy would love to have a night with Noah.  She has been asking for a while. What time are you thinking?” 

 

“I will shoot you a message an hour or so before we head out. Liv, tonight will be about relaxing and just enjoying each other’s company.” He said with a smile in his voice. 

 

“Fin, that sounds like the best idea that you have had in quite a while,” She teased. 

 

“You are one hell of a spitfire Liv. I will talk to you tonight.” He said before he hung up. 

 

Liv could feel her mind whirling as she wondered how it was that Fin was so confident that she wouldn’t get transferred.  She knew that there was something that he wasn’t telling her. She wasn’t sure if she did want to know. However, a part of her did.  But the other part told her that it was something that she wouldn’t like. She could feel the tension start to clutch at her lungs. Liv already knew what was happening. 

 

Olivia took another deep breath, as she set the cup of coffee on the bench as she started to rub at her chest.  Olivia scanned the crowd as if he would be there. She knew who she was looking for, but she also knew that he wouldn’t be there. Olivia stood, grabbing her purse, abandoning her coffee.  Liv knew where she could kill some of her time. 

 

***

 

Olivia smiled as she leaned against the doorframe, “Hi Melinda,” She muttered.  

 

“Long time no see,” Melinda grinned as she walked towards Olivia,  pulling her gloves off, tossing them in the trash before she hugged Liv tightly. 

 

“I have missed you.” Olivia hugged her tighter, before finally stepping back. 

 

“Thank you. I missed you a lot too.” Melinda held her shoulder, “You are never going to believe who came and saw me!” She grinned. 

 

“Elliott Stabler?” Olivia smirked, crossing her arms over her chest. 

 

“I though hell finally froze over,” She laughed lightly. 

 

“I punched him for you,” Warner smirked at her. 

 

“I screamed at him in the waiting room of a hospital,” She grinned back. 

 

“What can I say Olivia? You have always been classy!” Melinda laughed lightly. “But is there anything I can do for you?”

 

Olivia took a deep breath, stuffing her hands into her pockets, “Did uhm...did anyone come and pick up his body yet?” She questioned.  She knew how unsure of herself she sounded and it made her wince. 

 

“No. Why don’t you come with me," Melinda stated, knowing what she was going to ask.  She knew what Liv needed and that was closure. If she could be a part of that, then by all means, she was going to do just that. 

 

They walked together in silence.  Both were unsure of what to say to each other.  Melinda took a deep breath as they stood in front of the cool metal square number 58. She glanced at Liv as she barely touched the handle, “Are you sure?” She asked softly. 

 

“Yeah,” She whispered thickly. 

 

Melinda pulled the door open, before he pulled out his body.  She paused, only to glance at her friend, she pulled back the blue sheet, “There is something that I want you know.” 

 

“Off the record?” Liv said absentmindedly.  The man that had beaten, raped, and tortured her, was now officially dead. He had never looked so small to her in her life. 

 

“Preferably,” Melinda shrugged slightly, “He died in a lot pain. Honestly? I have never gotten more satisfaction knowing that as I did an autopsy.” 

 

“What do you mean? I was so weak by the time that I got to the hospital that I ended up sleeping for four days before I woke up,” Liv crossed her arms as she looked at her friend. 

 

“Adrenaline was your best friend.  You ruptured both of his testicles and his eardrums.  So, even if he had gotten out of this alive, he would have never been able to create children,” She said with a firm nod and a hint of pride in her voice, "Plus he would have completely deaf as well as blind in one eye. He got what he deserved. I only wish that I had been able to do more." 

 

Olivia could feel the anger burning in her stomach.  She knew he was dead but she still wanted to castrate him.  It was something that she wished she could have done. She took a deep breath as she felt her stomach clench with the thought.  Olivia had never felt such shock from an intrusive thought. Olivia took a deep breath again and turned away. She heard Melinda push the body back into cold storage before she felt Melinda’s hand on her shoulder. 

 

“Let’s go into my office.” 

 

“What time is it?” Liv questioned. 

 

“It’s 11:30.” 

 

“I can’t. I have to head back to one- p-p for my meeting with Dodds.” She turned and looked into her friend’s kind eyes and couldn’t help but smile back. 

 

“You’re gonna kill it in there. I believe in you,” Melinda gave her one more hug. 

 

“Thank you,” Liv smiled at her before she left. She could barely remember how the hell she was able to make it back to 1PP. She smiled at Jessica but her mind was on William Lewis.  He really was dead. Olivia didn’t even have a chance to sit this time as Dodds greated her, bringing her into his office. 

“Sorry for the hold up earlier. I know that you just want to get this meeting over as much as I do and move on.” He said, “How are you feeling?” 

 

Liv knew that her smile was forced, but she was tired of pleasantries, “I have been off for almost five months.  I am ready to come back and do what I know how to do. Put bad guys away.” 

 

“Straight to the point.  I can tell that some things haven’t changed with you,” Dodds said with a kind smile.

 

Olivia felt thrown off as she watched him open the file he had on her, “You have been keeping up with therapy. Your physical therapist said that you have made a full come back with your broken foot, but with a warning to be careful of stress fractures. Meaning, you can do anything that a person on foot can do. You also have passed your psyche evaluation.” Dodds leaned back and ran his hand over his chin, “Why should I bring you back?” 

 

“Ex-Excuse me?” She blinked as she leaned forward. 

 

“Why should I bring you back?” 

 

“I am one of the best Lieutenants that you have when it comes to Sex Crimes.  I have one of the best closure rates, and I also help to raise the most money when it comes to benefits,” Liv ticked off every reason on her finger as she looked at him, “What are you trying to get at?” 

 

“Most people who have gone through what you have….well, they have some sort of PTSD. Do you have it?” 

 

“I am not a trained psychologist.  As my file states, I passed my psych evaluation. Why are you stalling this?” 

 

“I am not stalling anything. I just want to make sure that you are fit for duty.  Considering that Barba switched jurisdictions, does that have anything to do with you?” 

 

Liv felt her stomach drop.  Barba had told her that he had moved and that they were going to disclose officially once she returned to work. She held her composure, “We started dating after I returned. I wasn’t working. He told me how he felt about me.” She leaned back in her chair, watching his facial features, “I did nothing wrong.  He chose to change so that when I do return, none of our cases would get jeopardized. I did nothing wrong with my love life.” 

 

“So are you disclosing to me now?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Okay. When would you be choosing to come to work?” Dodds questioned, lacing his fingers together as he rested them on his desk.  His face, unreadable. 

 

“As soon as you allow me,” She answered, leaning forward. 

 

He leaned back, running his hand over his face, “I don’t agree with you going back to sex crimes.  Especially with everything that has happened to you, but you are the one person that I know that knows how rapists ticks. I don’t agree with this fully and I will make note in your jacket, but you can start tomorrow.” Dodds pulled her gun and badge out before he slid them to her. 

 

Olivia felt her heart soaring as she looked down at her badge and gun, “Thank you,” She articulated as she grabbed them, double checking the safety before she put her gun in her purse and her badge on her hip. She had never felt so relieved in her life, "The reason why I belong in Sex Crimes is because I understand what it feels like to have everything taken away from you and to be told that you are a worthless piece of shit. I am refusing to let Lewis take everything that I have worked so hard for away from me. I hope you know that I am not going back with a vendetta. I am going back because I deserve to have every single bit of my life back." 

 

Dodds nodded as he listened to her, in a way, agreeing, “Benson,” Dodds said as he stood, looking down on her. “You step out of line once, or I have some sort of doubt that you can’t do your job, I will not hesitate to transfer you. Are we clear?” He said seriously.

 

Olivia stood, hoisting her bag onto her shoulder, “Crystal,” She shot back with squared shoulders. Olivia knew that she was on shaky ground, but the last thing that she would take is having her superior threaten her own job because she was attacked. 

 

“You can go.” He said as he picked up his phone. 

 

“Chief Dodds?” 

 

“Yes?” His fingers suspended over the keypad. 

 

“What happened to me, is not my fault. Yes, I was attacked. Yes, I was raped. Yes, I was tortured. I made it through the first time. I will make it through this a second time. With or without your support. It’s not a loss on either end for me. I am strong. The last thing that I am or ever will be is a victim. William Lewis does not have control over my life because I have control over my life. I know you are struggling to believe that, but believe me. I am _ not _ a victim. I am a  _ survivor _ .” 

 

Olivia took a deep breath before she headed back towards the DA’s office. She felt stronger than ever. She knew that William Dodds could be a good person if he wanted to and for the most part, meant well, but she did not like the fact that he was so...apt to blame her for not being able to do a job. 

 

She nodded hated to admit it, but she missed Carmen as she walked into the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office. She walked towards Rafael’s office, knocking on his door frame, “Hey.” She smiled as he looked up from his casefile. 

“Hey,” He smiled as he stood, walking around his desk, “How did it go?” 

 

“I start tomorrow,” She smiled as he grinned at her. 

 

“Good!” He said and pulled her into a hug, “I am happy for you!” He said and kissed her chastely before he stepped back, “When are you going to tell your squad?” 

 

“Tonight at Forlinis. Are you going to come?” 

 

“Of course. I would love nothing more,” He smiled. 

  
  
  



	21. Celebrating The Right Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that I am posting this so spottily. I am struggling to balance my writing with my work life. Basically, it is chaotic right now! I have some editing to do, but I am going to try to post the next chapter either Sat/Sun! Thank you for hanging in there! <3

Liv was leaning back against Rafael’s legs, feeling his warmth. She loved the warm feeling in her belly. Their table was almost ready as she watched Fin and Rollins come through the front door. She was surprised that Carisi had beat the other two here, even though she shouldn't have been. Olivia felt her stomach churning slightly as she saw Cathy and Elliott come through the door. She wasn’t going to invite them at first, but she missed Cathy. 

Munch had called saying that he was having a late work day and that was okay. She couldn’t wait for tomorrow to be here. She gave Elliott an one armed hug before she smiled at Cathy, “You look amazing!” She complimented before Olivia was hugging Cathy tightly. 

“I have missed you so much Olivia,” Cathy said warmly before stepping back and looking at her, "And how is it that you look so amazing?" 

Olivia heard her bracelets clink slightly, "I can say the same for you!" She grinned before Olivia hugged her again. 

“Olivia Benson? Table of eight?” 

“Yes! That would be us!” Liv smiled. She sat next to Rafael across from Stabler and Cathy. She watched as everyone else sat next to each other.

Cathy leaned across the table, “El said that you are going to be coming over for dinner and bringing Noah! The girls are going to have so much fun with him! You will never believe this, but Maureen is expecting.” 

“Wow! What else have I missed?” Liv questioned as her eyes cut to Elliott, watching how he interacted with Fin. 

“Too much. Can you and I grab some coffee and soon?” Cathy covered Liv’s hand with her own. Her eyes were cautious but hopeful. 

Olivia found herself smiling, “I would love that more than anything!” She smiled as Carisi stood clearing his throat. 

“Excuse me everyone?” He held up his beer, smiling as everyone turned to look at him. 

“Olivia...I miss you so much. More that I would like to admit. Now, don’t get me wrong, Fin isn’t too bad, but he isn’t Benson.” He grinned, “I have missed you so much so that I gave up donut holes cause I don’t have you to share them with! I am so happy that you are back with us. Safe and sound. I am happy that you get to have Noah and that you get to enjoy time with him, but with everyone here agreeing, we miss you and want you back,” Carisi gave his normal boyish grin. He couldn’t help but pat Fin on the back. 

“Man, I am really feeling the love here!” Fin grinned as he sipped some of his own drink. 

“You’re not that bad Sarg!” Rollins piped up before they clinked their glasses together. 

“Well, then you all had better have the paperwork ready for me and on my desk tomorrow,” She grinned, watching the shock go through their faces before they all grinned. 

“About damn time!” Fin grinned. 

“Hey! We are now complete!” Rafael grinned. 

“Okay, so are we ready to celebrate?” Rollins grinned at everyone around the table. 

She looked around, smiling at Barba, holding his hand under the table, “Yes.” 

Olivia cleared her throat, “I have some stuff to say as well! I am in forever eternally grateful to have you all as my squad. Through thick and thin we have all supported each other. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. You are more than just coworkers to me. You are family." Olivia said gently. 

***

Rafael grazed his fingers over the back of her neck, moving her hair kissing the back of her neck and nibbling her ear, “I love you,” He purred. The smell of scotch was heavy on his breath, but Liv leaned back into him, groaning slightly as they rode up to his apartment in the elevator. 

“I love you too,” She smiled, turning, as she draped her arms over his shoulders. He ran his fingers up and down her arms before he kissed her softly. She pressed her body flush to his as she felt him hug her tighter. 

They pulled apart, slightly reluctantly, intertwining their hands as they walked towards his apartment, “Look, Rafa...I have to tell you something that I said to Dodds. I don’t want you getting in trouble because I disclosed to Dodds today.” 

Rafael dug out his keys, “We followed protocol. I disclosed but didn’t say when we started dating.” 

“They didn’t interview you about that?” 

“No, you hadn’t disclosed yet. I will probably get interviewed tomorrow though,” He answered as he stepped back to let her in. 

Liv smiled and bit her bottom lip as she turned, “I...I told Dodds that we didn’t start dating until after I had returned. I didn’t want any of our cases jeopardized.” She said softly. 

“I understand,” He said and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, “I don’t want you to worry about that because I will do everything in my power to make sure that you are protected. I have done it for you once and I will not hesitate to do it again,” He said softly, “Do you want something to drink?” 

“Mmm...I want to say yes, but I am going to say no.” She took off her heels before she walked into his kitchen and getting herself a glass of water, leaning against the counter as she looked at him. 

“Okay,” He stepped close to her hold her hips, “How has your therapy been?” 

“Rough...really, really rough…” She admitted. She took a deep breath and looked downwards. She could feel the heat in her cheeks. 

He tilted her chin upwards, “Hey,” He said softly, “I know that you are hurting, still. I want you to help be okay and be happy. You are doing so much better. You aren’t flinching anymore when Noah attacks you with hugs. You’re eyes aren’t glazing over as much anymore. You are breathing again in large crowds. I am so, so proud of you. You are fighting for yourself and you can do this. You have me and you have Noah and your entire squad. Okay Liv?”

“Yeah I know and I don’t know what I would have done without your support. And I know I told you that I fought to come back because of my job and Noah. I fought to also be able to come back to you.” She whispered thickly. Liv saw his eyes soften. 

“We have gotten in fights before. We have both had our opinions about things, but I know that you were angry. You had just gotten back and you saw someone that you hadn’t seen in seven years that had abandoned you and I pushed you. I am just at as much fault. Do not be angry because I am not. “ 

“Damn it Rafael. Can you stop being so perfect?” She laughed thickly with shimmery eyes. 

Rafael ran his hands up and down her arms, kissing her again softly, “I am not perfect,” He said slowly. 

He stepped away, heading towards the refrigerator, looking around inside and grabbing his favorite flavor of La Bomba, lime. He always drank flavored water as a magical hangover cure. He took a deep breath and looked away. He turned back and left his drink hovering in front of his lips. “Liv…” He whispered. 

Liv had never felt more naked in her life. She took a deep breath as she read his look. She could see the love and lust in his eyes. She had worn his favorite, navy blue panties and red bra. She felt her skin prickling. She could feel his eyes all over her body. 

He set his can on the counter, walking towards her, “Are you sure?” He murmured 

Liv held his eye contact, as she reached behind herself, unhooking her bra and letting it drop to the floor, next to her dress. She released her breath in her lungs, not even realizing that she was holding it as he walked towards her. She felt him pull her flush against his body, “Just when I thought you couldn’t get anymore gorgeous,” He purred as he pulled her hair out. 

She sighed softly as she felt his lips on her shoulder, “Mmm,” She sighed, tilting her head to the side to give him more access. She felt his hands roaming down her back, “Let’s go to your bedroom,” She said softly, leading him there. 

Rafael followed her. He watched the way she sat cautiousiously on his bed. He cupped her cheeks, kissing her thoroughly, tasting the wine, and chocolate combine with his flavor of bourbon. He slowly pulled away, feeling his chest heave as he dropped his jacked to the floor, “If you need me to stop any anytime, you tell me. Ok?” He said softly. 

“Okay,” Liv whispered as she undid his belt buckle, as he pulled his suspenders down. Liv stood, with steady hands, and undid his tie, pulling it off. He undid his shirt slowly, closing his eyes as he felt her hands go up his chest, slowly pushing his shirt off his shoulders. 

He gently grabbed her hand, kissing her fingertips. He turned her hand over, kissing from her palm to the inside of her wrist. He looked up, watching her face as he guided her back to the bed, he stood between her legs, kissing her neck and shoulder and tasting the slight tang of salt on his tongue, hearing her groan. 

“Oh God. Rafa!” She groaned, grippin is shoulder as she felt him knead her breast, as he nipped at her ear. 

He found her lips as her hands pushed his pants off his hips with his boxers. Rafael felt himself groan as he felt her hand wrap around him. He gently grabbed her hand, pressing her body into his mattress. He stroked her bangs out of her face as they kissed. His hand traveled down her body, slipping his hand under the band of her panties, stroking her core, groaning before he helped her remove her panties. 

Liv breathed his scent in, focusing on his touch and the way that he touched her with love and kindness. She kissed him with passion as he stroked her. She reminded herself that she was touching and feeling and being touched by Rafael. She groaned, raising her hips as he pulled her panties off. She kissed him back as her hips rose to meet his. She sighed softly, she felt him inside of her. 

She felt his hands on her hips, stroking her cheeks as he was soft and slow and gently with her. She felt like a woman beneath him as she felt every single nerve tingle. She sighed as she felt his lips on her neck. She gripped his sheets in her hands, “Oh...god...Rafa…” She groaned as she felt their bodies mold. She enjoyed the way that his love surrounded her. 

She kissed him hard, wrapping a leg around him, pulling him in deeper as she felt her stomach clenching. She felt herself getting closer to the edge. She groaned as she felt him rubbing her clit. She gripped his shoulders, screaming his name as she felt her orgasm curls her toes. She heard Rafael groan as he pressed her body into the mattress with his own weight. He kissed her slowly, thoroughly before he pulled out, curling his body around hers. 

“Liv?” He said slowly, “Why are you crying?” He murmured. He swiped at her tears, pulling her into his arms feeling her body shake, “Liv. Mi amor,” He said softly. 

“I….I forgot what it was like to make love. For a man to be gentle with my body. How it felt. How it made me feel and how happy I am to be with you.” She answered, her words coming out muffled with her face buried in his shoulder. 

“Oh my love,” He whispered, rubbing her back soothingly, “Shhh.” He kissed her forehead, “I am here for you.” 

Olivia caught her breath as she pulled back and looked at him. She gently moved his hair out of his eyes, “Thank you,” She murmured and ran her fingers over his cheek, “I...thank you,” She whispered and kissed him softly. 

“There is nothing to thank me for. I told you that you could use me as punching bag. You can use me as a sound board. You can do anything that you need and I will help you. I promised you that I wasn’t leaving and I meant it. I am not going anywhere. I love you and Noah and you are my family. You are the people that I look forward to seeing after a long day. I want nothing more than to make sure that you know that you are loved and we are going to take this day by day so that we can get you to where you need to be,” He said softly. 

Liv pulled the sheet around her body, “Wait here,” She murmured, leaving him where he was laying. She walked to her purse and grabbed out a small gift wrapped object as she headed back towards his bedroom and handed him the box, “What’s this?” He quipped as she pressed the small package into his hand. He sat up, keeping the comforter over his hips as she curled into his side, draping her arm over his chest. 

“Open it,” She smiled. 

Rafael quirked an eyebrow with a smile before he eagerly tore the paper open like a kid on Christmas morning, popping open the jewelry box, feeling shock fill his body, “It’s a key to your apartment?” He asked slowly. 

“Yes,” She said slowly. She lifted her chin, their lips meeting for a kiss, “You have been spending a lot of time at my place, so it only makes sense that you have your own key,” She smiled. 

“Do you think we should tell Noah the truth?” He quipped. 

“I want to give us a few more months. I want to see how this works out,” She murmured as she drew a lazy pattern on his chest. 

“Liv?” 

“Yes?” She smiled as she looked up at him. 

“I don’t want tonight to end.” She admitted gently. 

“Then for tonight, it’s just us,” He murmured as he placed the box on top of the his bedside table. He held her tight, kissing her forehead, “We can do whatever you want.” He murmured.


End file.
